Another 1st & really struggling to get through it
 

So today is my birthday and I honestly wish I could forget about it, crawl into bed until it was over! I woke up early and was determined that I would get through this day for the kids as they had been trying so hard for weeks to make it a lovely day, asking me what I wanted even though I said I didn't want anything, I say this every year, don't want them wasting their money on me!! Even my son was asking who never remembers anything lol.

Separated AH texted me last night saying he would like to call round as he had a birthday card for me. I told him no. I needed to get through this day on my own and him giving me a normal birthday card would have really upset me, I didn't tell him this. Cards have always been important to me and he always picked a lovely one and would write some love note, he was never very good at expressing his feelings so would have bought me cards which said how he felt.

Anyway he texted me early this morning saying happy birthday xx. As soon as I read it the tears came and they haven't stopped. I have always hated my birthday, i was told from a young age i should never have been born and it was rarely celebrated, ah always made a fuss as he would say "if you hadn't been born I would never have met you and I wouldn't be the happiest man alive". I guess not though!!

I honestly don't think I can handle this anymore and I want to run away and never come back, I even had thoughts of ending it all but I wouldn't do that to my kids, an alcoholic father and a mother who took her own life that would destroy them they are the only reason I wouldn't do anything and that's a very strong reason!!!!

I am struggling, i read all this stuff about co dependency, how to stop being addicted to someone, addiction etc but i don't know what to do with it all. I am stuck I can't let go of my hopes that he will seek recovery and come home. When do I realise and stop hoping for the best?

I feel guilty my son walked into my room to give me a present and I was crying my eyes out he shouldn't see me like that I'm supposed to be the strong one for my kids. I also feel guilty for not letting him come round to give me a birthday card. But I feel angry that I am always the strong one, not for my kids that's not the issue but for everyone else, my family, friends and AH just once I would like someone to be strong for me so I can lean on them. Alcohol has destroyed my life I've lost my husband and best friend and my kids have lost their father!!

Sorry just needed to rant I sound selfish thinking of myself I just need to get on with it and stop feeling sorry for myself.

Happy birthday, Butterfly. Maybe a nice present for yourself today would be to let go of your self-judgment over everything you are feeling. You are allowed to feel things, whatever they are. They aren't good or bad, they just are. You don't have to have every answer right this second.

There is a point in everyone's recovery when your understanding of what you're going through and where you've been far exceeds your resources for dealing with it. It's okay. It will even out in time, but not right away. You're exactly where you should be today. Hugs.

Happy Birthday, Butterfly, from one of your many many new friends and supporters on SoberRecovery, even if you don't know us yet.

You are not alone. You are worthy. You do not have to live out your past; you can choose your future. There are many many better days ahead of you.

It is necessary and wise to eject all the toxic people from our lives. You get to do whatever you need to do to protect yourself, and that includes no contact with your AH in any way.

Perhaps the best birthday gift you can give yourself is to commit to today as being a major turning point in your life. You are already making choices FOR your emotional health, and today you get to celebrate that. Today is the first day of the rest of your life, and a much better, happier life it can and will be.

We'll all light a candle (many candles?) for you on your metaphorical birthday cake, and be there with you and your kids.

ShootingStar1

Happy Birthday butterfly. You do deserve a happy day. Give your kids a big hug and then go bake yourself a wonderful double chocolate cake.

Yes! Happy birthday!

One of the most empowering things I've done for myself is making MY OWN holidays special. My family and my ex were always very hit and miss when it came to holidays -- sometimes I would get literally nothing, sometimes he would use my credit card to buy me $1000 of gifts (THANKS) -- so now I plan my own festivities and do something nice for myself. I can't let other people's whims control my happiness, and damn it, we deserve nice and peaceful holidays!

How about a pedicure? A dinner out? A hot cup of tea outdoors? A bike ride with your kids? Homemade brownies? A new top or pair of earrings? What's something comforting and nice you can do to treat yourself today? I'm frequently broke, so I try to treat myself without spending money. A new book at the library, my favorite home cooked meal, a meandering walk outdoors looking for bunnies.

It's not selfish to think and act for yourself. It's smart to do that! Keep it up, lady, and let yourself off the hook!

Thank you everyone. I am making a meal for myself and my kids, so I have been In The kitchen all day but it's an effort but I am pushing through. I know the 1st time for things are always hard but I only have 3 more to go actually 2 if I don't count his birthday and I am hoping it gets easier as time goes on!!

:hb1


I've been single for lots of years. Not only does it get better on holidays, but every day.

The answer is acceptance.

Happy Birthday! Do something extra special for you!

Yip think that's what I struggle with acceptance

The struggle is yours to continue or to stop. The struggle is what is causing your pain.

I've accepted the situation for what it is but can't seem to accept this is it. There are times when I do but others when I don't want to give up on him, not help him as I know I can't but let him go this on his own and be there if he seeks sobriety. I feel I have progressed so much but at other times I don't. One day at a time

Butterfly, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! WE ALL LOVE YOU!!!!!!!

I think it's important for you to realize that when you do the things you have to do to protect yourself and your kids, you don't have to give up hope or stop caring for someone.

I still hope my X stops drinking one day, that he realizes that he has hurt everyone around him, including himself. I still have empathy for him even though he has been a creep in the past in my life. That being said, while I have empathy, I don't let those feelings drive any of my behavior. I let the knowledge of what I know is the right and wrong things to do for me and my children be what drives all of my actions.

Huge, Huge hugs my dear friend.

XXX

Thank you hopeful. I always struggled to understand how I can accept the situation but hope it all works out you have made it clearer for me that I can do both. I thought that having hope was holding me back from fully accepting the situation.

Happy Birthday Butterfly, hope you have a great birthday today. xx

Happy Birthday Butterfly!!!

We codies tend towards black-and-white thinking. My ongoing recovery these days mostly focuses on remembering the huge gray spectrum in between the extremes. It's really hard, and takes a lot of practice, but Hopeful is spot on. Taking things one day at a time and not future-tripping helps a lot!

Happy Birthday Butterfly!!!

Happy Birthday- sending great birthday vibes and happiness your way😊🎂🎊🎉

Happy birthday!!

Sparklekitty I thought I had my codie behaviour under control but I have realised I haven't instead of yelling, crying and begging my AH to quit drinking I'm trying to get him to realise what he has lost and that he loves me and wants his future to be with me, that's still codie behaviour right??

He told me the other night that he would be seeing his dr and telling him he no longer needs anti depressants as he is feeling better. I asked him if he was and he said no I told him that was his decision what he told the dr and if he continues to drink there is no point in taking the anti depressants, was this being a codie?? Still trying to get my head around what is codie and what isn't

I will be here if he needs me but I will not enable him to continue drinking, I have stood by my boundary that he is not to come to the home while under the influence of alcohol or dying of a hangover. I wish I could stick to my NC boundary!!!

Thank you everyone for the birthday wishes, I am having a lovely day with my kids and actually thinking it's him who is missing out on family time, not me. I am feeling blessed for my wonderful kids