Another 1st & really struggling to get through it
I'm glad to hear you're having a lovely day with your kids. And you're absolutely right that he is the one missing out. You are blessed 
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: The Bright Side of the Moon
Posts: 528
Hi Butterfly!
Happy birthday! If you can't have a happy one, I hope you just have a bearable one. If my calculations are accurate, you are almost done with the day. I hope you found little pockets of happiness in the day. I'm glad you kept AH away if you feel anxious, angry or sad when he's around.
Last year was my first without XA Partner/son's father. I feel like I died and I'm slowly coming back to life. Someone on SR told me last year that her first year was very hard. The second was better, but still hard.
I am seeing that now, this year. Just had my 2nd bday as a single mom. It still sucked, but whatever. It was less disappointing than last year. Mostly it sucked because I had to work and run errands, but I took myself and my son out for Indian food and chocolate.
Forming my own traditions and fun for our special occasions has been difficult sometimes, but worthwhile.
I too have wanted to end it all in the last year + and it was my son who kept me from doing that. The alternative was something I couldn't be responsible for handing to him. Riding out the storm for your children is what you might have to do for now. It sucks so bad, but it won't last. It goes by SO SLOWLY but there is an end. It's cyclical, it's up and down, it is surprising sometimes. Still, it gets better. If it's not getting better, keep looking for resources.
Giant hugs to you! You are worth celebrating!
Happy birthday! If you can't have a happy one, I hope you just have a bearable one. If my calculations are accurate, you are almost done with the day. I hope you found little pockets of happiness in the day. I'm glad you kept AH away if you feel anxious, angry or sad when he's around.
Last year was my first without XA Partner/son's father. I feel like I died and I'm slowly coming back to life. Someone on SR told me last year that her first year was very hard. The second was better, but still hard.
I am seeing that now, this year. Just had my 2nd bday as a single mom. It still sucked, but whatever. It was less disappointing than last year. Mostly it sucked because I had to work and run errands, but I took myself and my son out for Indian food and chocolate.
Forming my own traditions and fun for our special occasions has been difficult sometimes, but worthwhile.
I too have wanted to end it all in the last year + and it was my son who kept me from doing that. The alternative was something I couldn't be responsible for handing to him. Riding out the storm for your children is what you might have to do for now. It sucks so bad, but it won't last. It goes by SO SLOWLY but there is an end. It's cyclical, it's up and down, it is surprising sometimes. Still, it gets better. If it's not getting better, keep looking for resources.
Giant hugs to you! You are worth celebrating!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
The way I see it, codie behavior is anything where you're trying to sweep up his side of the street. You have your own side of the street to take care of and the longer you focus on his side instead of yours, the more yours will be neglected.
He's an adult and he knows what he needs to do to keep his side of the street clean. That includes making doctors appointments, telling or not telling his doctor whatever he chooses, having or not having a good relationship with his kids, or with you for that matter. You may have really strong feelings about what he needs to do to keep his side of the street clean, but that's all they are. It's his choice how and whether to do it.
The good part of it all is that it is also YOUR choice what to do with your side. What happens on your side of the street does not depend on what happens on his. It's codie behavior to believe that you CAN'T keep your side clean unless he does what you think he should do. It's codie behavior to ignore your side UNTIL he does what you hope he will do.
All I can tell you is that having a clean side of the street is its own long-lasting reward, and I didn't get it until I stopped obsessing over what other people were or weren't doing and paid attention to what I was (and wasn't) doing.
He's an adult and he knows what he needs to do to keep his side of the street clean. That includes making doctors appointments, telling or not telling his doctor whatever he chooses, having or not having a good relationship with his kids, or with you for that matter. You may have really strong feelings about what he needs to do to keep his side of the street clean, but that's all they are. It's his choice how and whether to do it.
The good part of it all is that it is also YOUR choice what to do with your side. What happens on your side of the street does not depend on what happens on his. It's codie behavior to believe that you CAN'T keep your side clean unless he does what you think he should do. It's codie behavior to ignore your side UNTIL he does what you hope he will do.
All I can tell you is that having a clean side of the street is its own long-lasting reward, and I didn't get it until I stopped obsessing over what other people were or weren't doing and paid attention to what I was (and wasn't) doing.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: The Bright Side of the Moon
Posts: 528
Butterfly,
I just went back and looked at some of your earlier posts. You have some similarities in your story to mine. You're on a tough road, but it really seems to me like you're making a lot of progress. You are only 4-5 months past your split. That is not very long. Keep up the good work!
I've been broken up with my son's father for 13 months and just had a surprising first: I dropped my son off at his grandmother's, but she took him to his grandfather's to be picked up. It was the first time I'd been there since my breakup and since we'd buried or dog there right when our relationship was really coming apart. I had a little meltdown and had to leave very quickly. That kind of crept up on me. It also reinforced the notion of limited contact with his family. I got past that pretty quickly, but I'm just saying that it takes a long time to let go, especially since you were together for 18 years. Give yourself the space to be sad. Be gentle with yourself and do what you can to make the best of this awful situation you've been handed.
More hugs!
I just went back and looked at some of your earlier posts. You have some similarities in your story to mine. You're on a tough road, but it really seems to me like you're making a lot of progress. You are only 4-5 months past your split. That is not very long. Keep up the good work!
I've been broken up with my son's father for 13 months and just had a surprising first: I dropped my son off at his grandmother's, but she took him to his grandfather's to be picked up. It was the first time I'd been there since my breakup and since we'd buried or dog there right when our relationship was really coming apart. I had a little meltdown and had to leave very quickly. That kind of crept up on me. It also reinforced the notion of limited contact with his family. I got past that pretty quickly, but I'm just saying that it takes a long time to let go, especially since you were together for 18 years. Give yourself the space to be sad. Be gentle with yourself and do what you can to make the best of this awful situation you've been handed.
More hugs!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 94
Butterfly - happy belated birthday, I missed your post yesterday. I hope you enjoyed a delicious meal with your kids, and that you managed to have some fun in among the sadness. A friend whose husband left her 5 years ago keeps me going by telling me that every time you hit a major milestone - birthday, Christmas - for the first time is like a kick in the gut. But she reminds me we only have to do these things once. My first 'meltdown' was Valentine's day, and it was never a big deal in our house, nor was my birthday. Still I guess looking back I always hoped it would be, and was always disappointed. So now I guess - coming up for my first 'alone' birthday in two weeks time - I will be going through the same feelings as you, those feelings that say 'it wasn't meant to be this way'. There will be no disappointment this time, because there will be no expectation. But there will be some loneliness. And we will get through each of these days as we do every other one, one at a time, and they only happen once, remember. And you got through it with the support of your great kids. A wonderful lady you are! Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and hugs.
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Thank you everyone. Lightinside it's 51/2 months since he left and it is hard. Sometimes I am so hard on myself and think I should be doing better by now and shouldn't be having melt downs. I need to recognise That I am doing the best I can in very difficult circumstances.
Brindle I forgot about valentines day lol I was only counting Christmas and my sone birthday!! I'm hoping by the time these come round I will be stronger than I am now. And your right I only have one first of each occasion the 2nd and 3rd and so on will get easier. Thank you I will be thinking about you when it's your birthday I hope you are planning to do something nice for yourself. I had a lovely day although filled with sadness but it would have been so much worse if I had let him call round only for him to leave again. I am blessed I have 2 wonderful kids who made it very special for me.
Brindle I forgot about valentines day lol I was only counting Christmas and my sone birthday!! I'm hoping by the time these come round I will be stronger than I am now. And your right I only have one first of each occasion the 2nd and 3rd and so on will get easier. Thank you I will be thinking about you when it's your birthday I hope you are planning to do something nice for yourself. I had a lovely day although filled with sadness but it would have been so much worse if I had let him call round only for him to leave again. I am blessed I have 2 wonderful kids who made it very special for me.
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