TerpGal

So I have been trying to be all happy and rainbows, but today........f it. I have made some incredible realizations through my HP. But they are just realizations. Now that the real work is starting I want to run. This work is SOOO painful, and I wonder how long it will take for it to stop (one day at a time, I know) but on days like today, wanting to be out of this pain......well, I'm only human aren't I?

I had to start cleaning my house today. My mother came over to help. I told her it was bad (not so bad you can't walk around, but still bad) and she said she would keep her lips zipped. But she did not. Saying, "when you moved out into your first apartment, I really hoped you'd learn to take care of youself." I just told her to stop. I know I have never taken care of myself in any way. But MAYBE if I was raised in a family where NORMAL coping skills were taught. Ug, there I go pointing fingers again. Its hard not to resent your parents when they say those things. Yes, they are true, but learning life skills from an A (my father) and a co-dependent (my mother) do not exactly set you up for success. I love my mother. Us kids were ALWAYS her #1 priority and she ALWAYS showed us she loved us. But bent to every damn thing my A father does. Still does.

And she starts making all these statements about AH like, "What went on so bad in his life that he started drinking?" Hello, its in his family and he was sexually abused. So my mom drops a bomb on me that SHE was also sexually abused (single incident) when she was a kid. My A father was molested by a priest. And according to them, "we are just fine". OMG I wanted to rip my hair out.

So I just changed the subject. But still seeing how bad the house is makes me sad. Sad for the fact that I didn't feel like I deserved to take care of *me* and angry at AH because he was too busy getting drunk to help clean up his part of the literal, not figurative, mess. And my mother and I are cleaning it up. And she took home some laundry from our place. A lot of it is his. My mother is doing his crappy laundry. She's doing mine too, I don't forget that. This is, however the first time she has helped me with laundry since I was tall enough to turn the washing machiene on. My brothers never did their own laundry,

AGGGGGGGG here I go again pointing fingers and feeling bad about myself again. Bad, bad me. *slaps wrists*

CarryOn

How about a big pat on the back for recognizing the behavior instead? You have to crawl before you can walk...we first have to learn to identify the unhealthy behaviors before we can start changing them. Baby steps!

I've read several of your posts and I think you are making great progress. I think it is great that your mom shared with you today...I can imagine it was shocking, but I think it will help in your recovery.

Great job on starting to clean your home. I find cleaning to be a great way to distract myself while working through thoughts & feelings.

Be gentle with yourself, you're doing great.

andyroo72

Hey TerpGal,

Yeah, be nice to yourself :=] I would have found that really difficult with either of my mothers (I was adopted) and I reckon I have a pretty good relationship with both of them.

Parents just seem to be so good at pushing buttons- I've noticed this with my friends too. I guess, we're so busy looking for their approval still, anything thing else just feels like a put down. I'll totally admit it's messy but I think it's pretty damn common. (In a good way :=) Take care.

NYCDoglvr

Sounds like a good idea not to involve your mother in keeping the house straight. It's much easier to decide to spend 15-30 minutes per day keeping it clean.