BF More Involved with AA, Feeling Lonely
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by honeypig 
flowerpower, the thread you posted to is over 2-1/2 years old, w/no activity in that time. Can I suggest starting a thread of your own to tell us about yourself and what's going on in your life? You'll likely get more responses that way.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
to flowerpower - interesting that altho you are having a hard time with your RAH's involvement with AA - he DOES have THREE YEARS sober..........
i'm not sure what it was like before he quit, but i am certain at some point you made a plea to whatever "presence" might be listening to PLEASE help him stop drinking. you were probably at wit's end, or nearly.
there is no such thing as the AA CLUB.....there are no special meetings or directives on how to keep people from working on their marriages, paying attention to their spouses, or spending time at home. if that is a problem for YOUR husband after three years, that can't be laid at the foot of the 12 step program. it sounds like you still got a husband problem, who isn't listening to you, honoring your feelings or respecting your opinions.
i'm not sure what it was like before he quit, but i am certain at some point you made a plea to whatever "presence" might be listening to PLEASE help him stop drinking. you were probably at wit's end, or nearly.
there is no such thing as the AA CLUB.....there are no special meetings or directives on how to keep people from working on their marriages, paying attention to their spouses, or spending time at home. if that is a problem for YOUR husband after three years, that can't be laid at the foot of the 12 step program. it sounds like you still got a husband problem, who isn't listening to you, honoring your feelings or respecting your opinions.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
I dont know. Recently we me this couple in our Family Therapy Group session.. They both do 12 step. Now they do therapy too, so obviously no one is stopping them.. I went to a meeting with her and she was saying that since my husband and hers hit it off.. why dont we go out together sometime.. maybe her husband could get my husband to go to a meeting with him and possibly if he thinks going is his choice then he might start and her husband could guide him along and help get him interested.
That was one of the reason I came back to post. I have thought about it a lot. And I do feel like there is a LIfestyle associated with the program. I dont really want to be in that Lifestyle especially since we are going to have a baby soon. And the thing is I can relate to what Anvil said about praying for anything to help. I have done that. But now of course I know AA isnt required for a person to recover and be healthy.
I still feel torn though. Am I being selfish? I know AA does have a time commitment and a support system that I wouldnt be part of. Does that make me codependent? Maybe long term it would be best for him? maybe this, maybe that. I guess thats part of why its not my decision and I shouldnt meddle. So Im not going to encourage interaction with this other couple. He already said no to 12 step rehab and it was a waste of money, so why rinse and repeat. He can change his mind anytime without my intervention.
That was one of the reason I came back to post. I have thought about it a lot. And I do feel like there is a LIfestyle associated with the program. I dont really want to be in that Lifestyle especially since we are going to have a baby soon. And the thing is I can relate to what Anvil said about praying for anything to help. I have done that. But now of course I know AA isnt required for a person to recover and be healthy.
I still feel torn though. Am I being selfish? I know AA does have a time commitment and a support system that I wouldnt be part of. Does that make me codependent? Maybe long term it would be best for him? maybe this, maybe that. I guess thats part of why its not my decision and I shouldnt meddle. So Im not going to encourage interaction with this other couple. He already said no to 12 step rehab and it was a waste of money, so why rinse and repeat. He can change his mind anytime without my intervention.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 328
Flower power,
My experience with AA and Al-Anon has been totally the opposite. If it wasn't for AA, my marriage would be non existent right now. It does seem like your RAH's sponsor may have crossed a line concerning the finances.
My husband is going on 2 years sober. We have been married for 15 yrs. Our marriage has NEVER been better. While we do not get involved in each other's recoveries, we do a lot together. We participate in Round-Ups together, we go eat with other couples after meetings. I sometimes go to open Big Book meetings with him when possible. It has been a great experience. Having other couples, that are also in recovery, to go do things with has been great for us. While living with an active alcoholic you tend to isolate...or at least I did. I forgot how to have fun and enjoy life. Not anymore!
The 12th step tells us to practice these principles in all our affairs. I don't think that means your wife and family come last. I hope things get better for you.
Jaeger
My experience with AA and Al-Anon has been totally the opposite. If it wasn't for AA, my marriage would be non existent right now. It does seem like your RAH's sponsor may have crossed a line concerning the finances.
My husband is going on 2 years sober. We have been married for 15 yrs. Our marriage has NEVER been better. While we do not get involved in each other's recoveries, we do a lot together. We participate in Round-Ups together, we go eat with other couples after meetings. I sometimes go to open Big Book meetings with him when possible. It has been a great experience. Having other couples, that are also in recovery, to go do things with has been great for us. While living with an active alcoholic you tend to isolate...or at least I did. I forgot how to have fun and enjoy life. Not anymore!
The 12th step tells us to practice these principles in all our affairs. I don't think that means your wife and family come last. I hope things get better for you.
Jaeger
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, alicia, all she did was invite the two of you to go out together. Seems to me you're sort of making the call not to "encourage interaction," which is you making a judgment call on what's best for him, isn't it? Isn't he perfectly capable of saying "Thanks, but no thanks" if the guy invites him to a meeting and he doesn't want to go? I agree you don't have to push him to do it, and maybe he doesn't like these people (or you don't), but it seems to me you're still sort of "managing" what he does or doesn't do, based on what you've decided is best for him. If the couple are nice, and you like them, what's the harm in having more friends?
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by scarlet71
I also have the title of "normie" and have heard that relationship with non AA members are discouraged.
I don't hardly ever refer to my wife as a normie to her face. After some time sober we should realize that this is a kind of separating remark.
Your boyfriend needs to balance his time between you and AA better, this may take time, some never seem to get it. This is mentioned in a way in the AA Big Book -- probably a good read for you. My wife found it interesting when I was running a muck.
M-Bob
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 328
Originally Posted by aliciagr
I still feel torn though. Am I being selfish? I know AA does have a time commitment and a support system that I wouldnt be part of. Does that make me codependent? Maybe long term it would be best for him? maybe this, maybe that. I guess thats part of why its not my decision and I shouldnt meddle. So Im not going to encourage interaction with this other couple. He already said no to 12 step rehab and it was a waste of money, so why rinse and repeat. He can change his mind anytime without my intervention.
There is a reason we shouldn't get involved in their recovery. There may be things he needs to get out that he wouldn't be comfortable saying in front of you. It goes both ways. My RAH has been a speaker three times now and I'm still not comfortable enough to go hear him speak even though he asked me to the last time. I just explained to him that I wasn't ready and he totally understood.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Originally Posted by LexieCat
Well, alicia, all she did was invite the two of you to go out together. Seems to me you're sort of making the call not to "encourage interaction," which is you making a judgment call on what's best for him, isn't it? Isn't he perfectly capable of saying "Thanks, but no thanks" if the guy invites him to a meeting and he doesn't want to go? I agree you don't have to push him to do it, and maybe he doesn't like these people (or you don't), but it seems to me you're still sort of "managing" what he does or doesn't do, based on what you've decided is best for him. If the couple are nice, and you like them, what's the harm in having more friends?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
"LURE" him? Good grief, you make it sound like we are recruiting for a cult. We don't get brownie points for bringing people into AA. We carry the message, that's all. If someone doesn't want to hear it, we don't force it. And he's not helpless, either. He can say, "No thanks, not interested." It doesn't mean you can't be friends.
And even if HE chooses not to be friends with them, there's no reason you can't be friends with someone. There's no "complexity" here.
What would happen if you made a friend he disapproved of?
And even if HE chooses not to be friends with them, there's no reason you can't be friends with someone. There's no "complexity" here.
What would happen if you made a friend he disapproved of?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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Tradition #5 of AA:
Each group has but one primary purpose—to carry its message to the alcoholic who still suffers.
Step #12 of AA:
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
AA exists only to carry the message that there is a solution to the affliction known as alcoholism. members from all walks of life come together to share this journey. old timer, newcomers, court ordered,even a person down on their luck that just needs shelter and a hot cup of coffee. no one is barred, there is no vetting process.
based on these principles, people DO share with others, DO extend a welcome to meetings, DO say...
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.
it's an offer......freely given.
Each group has but one primary purpose—to carry its message to the alcoholic who still suffers.
Step #12 of AA:
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
AA exists only to carry the message that there is a solution to the affliction known as alcoholism. members from all walks of life come together to share this journey. old timer, newcomers, court ordered,even a person down on their luck that just needs shelter and a hot cup of coffee. no one is barred, there is no vetting process.
based on these principles, people DO share with others, DO extend a welcome to meetings, DO say...
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.
it's an offer......freely given.
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