HHTexas

How do you handle them?? I have a difficult person that I have to interact with through my job. She's very argumentative and doesn't respond to my going-above-and-beyond niceness. I let her ranting calls go to voicemail as much as possible. However, I just had to answer the phone from her and now I'm like a quivering bowl of Jello!! LOL.

peaceofpi

Be Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm (BIFF) - see Bill Eddy

The author wrote an excellent book on divorcing high-conflict people, as well as books on handling such personalities in the workplace. Best of luck.

POAndrea

I do a little creative visualization: I imagine that the person has ranted and raged until his/her face turns beet-red and then his/her head explodes. BOOM! I feel so much better after that.

jaynie04

Sometimes I try saying "I see" or "I heard you". Confrontational people are use to ruffling feathers, it becomes a habit, and my guess is they get a rush from it. They are looking for material and by simply repeating you are depriving them of what they are seeking.

Something else that you could try is mirroring, it is a way of offsetting the tension and giving them the illusion of "being right", without giving any ground. It means repeating their own words back to them…

Annoying chick "Everyone at work is stupid and lazy, I am the only one who does anything or knows anything".

You "So if I am hearing you correctly you think that everyone at work is stupid and lazy and that you are only one who does anything. Am I right"

They usually expect to upset, so when you simply parrot them, they can't disagree and eventually (hopefully) it deescalates.

It's funny, because the older I got the more I could identify specific type of people that bother me. Typically an older woman who is belligerent and unyielding. I realized I am responding to vestiges of my youth, and try as I might I still feel threatened. But these people are not my mother, my survival does not depend on them. But it is ok to let it wash over me, and disappear.

Sometimes I just tell myself that this person can't really harm me (unless you are dealing with the rare vicious sociopath). That kind of whiny bitterness is like a kid throwing a tantrum. If you look at the immaturity and audaciousness of such behavior it makes it a lot less threatening.

FeelingGreat

HH I won't claim to be an expert, but it helps me to remember that she's probably like that with everyone, so don't feel it's your fault or take it personally. I bide my time until I'm confident with my job before I get assertive.
I once worked with an arrogant ignorant **** and someone said to him, 'is something wrong? you sound a bit testy?'. He was really surprised and guilty. Reflecting their attitude back to them often brings it to their attention, but don't confront, just reflect back.

HHTexas

You guys are awesome. Thank you! I'll check out Bill Eddy ASAP . So far, I had only experimented with hanging up the phone really hard lol

FireSprite

^^ This is pretty much how I handle associates that act out like children. I find that most people that are loud & aggressive like this are just overgrown bullies & once somebody has shown me that this behavior represents WHO they are (& not just a one-off, bad day) I tend to take this kind of direct approach. It's like holding up a mirror & saying, do you see yourself?

It definitely sounds stupid when they hear some of the stuff that comes out of their mouths repeated back to them like that & even if it doesn't stop their behavior all around, I find that it DOES seem to stop them from interacting with ME that same way again a lot of the time because I've showed them I won't take it.

They can take their huffy-puffy act down the road to someone else that will indulge it & treat me with the same respect I treat them. JMHO!

Rosalba

I've distanced myself from nearly all the people in my life who I feel drained or rattled around; they're mostly people with an 'oppositional conversational style' i.e. who will try to disagree with everything I say for the sake of 'a good old debate'.

Unfortunately, the one person I can't just avoid is someone in my Alanon group. I've been thinking more concertedly about this since a meeting last week, when she didn't like the fact that one of the established members was cross-sharing with a newcomer - but instead of raising it gently during the meeting, waited until the end, shouted at the member leading the meeting, and stormed off. I can rationalise why she is the way she is, and I think it's nothing to do with the fact that she had a relationship with an alcoholic as an adult; the malaise goes much deeper.

She usually latches onto newcomers, tries to contact them whether they request it or not and certainly in my case, takes them to a meeting which she considers superior to my home group. I've never known any of the people she's got her hooks into actually come back. Of course, they may not have come back anyway. I'd already had experience of another 12-Step program before Alanon, and I'd also got to several meetings before I went to one that she attended - otherwise I wouldn't have come back either.

I also found it rather disconcerting when I first started, that she was telling me quite forcibly that I didn't need to believe in God to work the program. I told her that I DO believe in God; she persisted that I didn't need to.

I think next time she makes a sweeping statement like "We're all control freaks!" or "We're all deadly!", I'll observe that she doesn't seem to have much faith in the program. Which I guess is true; not a comforting state to be in.

Right, I think I can view her with a bit more compassion now...