Need your insight and experience
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 6
Need your insight and experience
Thank you for in advance for reading this. also, thank you for this forum and all of your posts...I've been reading for a few months now. I need the experience you all bring to this forum.
Background: Been with ABF for over a year. Did not know he was an alcoholic at first. He got a DUI before I knew him and had to serve jail time after we had been together a few months. His blood test showed .3 a couple hours after being arrested. By all accounts, he didn't look as drunk as .3 really is... He went to jail. He had severe withdrawal and had DTs for 7 days...he was not clear on anything for a full 7 days. That's pretty serious but a couple weeks prior to him serving his time I started to realize just how much he was drinking every day...a handle would be gone in 2 days. After he got through the first part of withdrawal, first 2 days of jail, then the severe withdrawal of DTs for the next 7, he did work release. He was sober a total of 40 days while he was in work release (which includes the 10 days of withdrawal). After work release he was sober another 2 weeks maybe (even though he is not to drink alcohol as part of his probation).
Fast forward a couple of months. His drinking got so bad he couldn't blow into his interlock device to drive to work in the morning and would let his kids drive his car to school...with bad tires. So I said get it together or I'm gone. I was very upfront with him and his actions could lead him back to jail. Said some honest things so he quit and had a mini-detox. 2 weeks later he was back to drinking.
Fast forward another couple of months. I broke up with him. He "drunk dialed" me and was horrible to me. It was the final straw. I told him he would need to quit drinking for him...blah blah blah. He said he would do it for him because he wanted to be with me....blah blah blah I told him it didn't work that way. This time he didn't drink for maybe 3 weeks I slowly took him back. (this is in April)
Fast forward 4 months (now it's August). I broke up with him and this time it feels so final. The bottle wins every time. He works, drinks, passes out...wakes up and stays in bed because he can't drink before work yet he feels so horrible he has to just lay there (exciting life, eh). By this point I'm just done. A week later (last week) He got a wake up call due to a letter from his probation officer. Nothing happened as he just had to show up and show his ID but he knew he would fail any alcohol test. He hasn't had a drink in a week. He wants me back. I have told him I don't want to be on his rollercoaster anymore.
He has said that his drinking only affects him. And I wanted to do this:
. He agreed slightly that he could maybe see how it affects others. He wants to take me to dinner. I said no. He says I'm being mean. That I've always told him that when he falls off the wagon to get back on and look forward. He asked what if he needs my support. I said that's not my job. I've been there done that with him and I'll support him from afar but it's all in his control. I said that I'm a crutch and as long as I am his girlfriend he will not get sober. He says I'm mean. He's just trying to be nice by taking me to dinner. I also pointed out the cycle of 2 weeks. He says IT'S EASY not drinking. Seriously people? Really?? I just can't believe it. Is it for some people?
He tells me he drinks because of him and it has nothing to do with me. I said I know but it affects me and everyone that loves him. He said it doesn't. It only affects him....then he slightly remembered something from court ordered rehab classes he did over a year ago about how addiction affects family members.
We don't live together. We are not married. We don't have children together. I'm a giving positive person. I just can't do it anymore and I feel GUILTY?? wtf really I feel GUILTY?? Why on earth would I feel GUILTY? Yet there is a part of me that really feels bad. I love him but I am no martyr.
I guess I need validation and someone to weigh in on how "easy" it is for someone to quit drinking...someone who had DT so severe it lasted 7 days. I visited him every day and it was shocking to watch. Heartbreaking. I don't yell at him, nag him and I'm very honest. Last night he said "why didn't' you tell me you hated my drinking so much?" OMG. I said every time I would casually bring it up or in a serious discussion you would shut me down and leave the room. I got mad when he said that otherwise I have been very matter of fact and to the point.
Thoughts now that I've written a book? Thanks for any insight or anywhere you can point me to read.
Me.
Background: Been with ABF for over a year. Did not know he was an alcoholic at first. He got a DUI before I knew him and had to serve jail time after we had been together a few months. His blood test showed .3 a couple hours after being arrested. By all accounts, he didn't look as drunk as .3 really is... He went to jail. He had severe withdrawal and had DTs for 7 days...he was not clear on anything for a full 7 days. That's pretty serious but a couple weeks prior to him serving his time I started to realize just how much he was drinking every day...a handle would be gone in 2 days. After he got through the first part of withdrawal, first 2 days of jail, then the severe withdrawal of DTs for the next 7, he did work release. He was sober a total of 40 days while he was in work release (which includes the 10 days of withdrawal). After work release he was sober another 2 weeks maybe (even though he is not to drink alcohol as part of his probation).
Fast forward a couple of months. His drinking got so bad he couldn't blow into his interlock device to drive to work in the morning and would let his kids drive his car to school...with bad tires. So I said get it together or I'm gone. I was very upfront with him and his actions could lead him back to jail. Said some honest things so he quit and had a mini-detox. 2 weeks later he was back to drinking.
Fast forward another couple of months. I broke up with him. He "drunk dialed" me and was horrible to me. It was the final straw. I told him he would need to quit drinking for him...blah blah blah. He said he would do it for him because he wanted to be with me....blah blah blah I told him it didn't work that way. This time he didn't drink for maybe 3 weeks I slowly took him back. (this is in April)
Fast forward 4 months (now it's August). I broke up with him and this time it feels so final. The bottle wins every time. He works, drinks, passes out...wakes up and stays in bed because he can't drink before work yet he feels so horrible he has to just lay there (exciting life, eh). By this point I'm just done. A week later (last week) He got a wake up call due to a letter from his probation officer. Nothing happened as he just had to show up and show his ID but he knew he would fail any alcohol test. He hasn't had a drink in a week. He wants me back. I have told him I don't want to be on his rollercoaster anymore.
He has said that his drinking only affects him. And I wanted to do this:
. He agreed slightly that he could maybe see how it affects others. He wants to take me to dinner. I said no. He says I'm being mean. That I've always told him that when he falls off the wagon to get back on and look forward. He asked what if he needs my support. I said that's not my job. I've been there done that with him and I'll support him from afar but it's all in his control. I said that I'm a crutch and as long as I am his girlfriend he will not get sober. He says I'm mean. He's just trying to be nice by taking me to dinner. I also pointed out the cycle of 2 weeks. He says IT'S EASY not drinking. Seriously people? Really?? I just can't believe it. Is it for some people? He tells me he drinks because of him and it has nothing to do with me. I said I know but it affects me and everyone that loves him. He said it doesn't. It only affects him....then he slightly remembered something from court ordered rehab classes he did over a year ago about how addiction affects family members.
We don't live together. We are not married. We don't have children together. I'm a giving positive person. I just can't do it anymore and I feel GUILTY?? wtf really I feel GUILTY?? Why on earth would I feel GUILTY? Yet there is a part of me that really feels bad. I love him but I am no martyr.
I guess I need validation and someone to weigh in on how "easy" it is for someone to quit drinking...someone who had DT so severe it lasted 7 days. I visited him every day and it was shocking to watch. Heartbreaking. I don't yell at him, nag him and I'm very honest. Last night he said "why didn't' you tell me you hated my drinking so much?" OMG. I said every time I would casually bring it up or in a serious discussion you would shut me down and leave the room. I got mad when he said that otherwise I have been very matter of fact and to the point.
Thoughts now that I've written a book? Thanks for any insight or anywhere you can point me to read.
Me.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I have some experience in a situation like this. I can tell you my X was on probation for 4 years. He managed to not drink for a long time b/c he was scared of jail. Yup, jail produces a raw fear, they don't want to go back no matter what.
Fast forward 4 years....he drank the FIRST DAY OFF PROBATION!!!! He was only keeping it in check at all b/c he was scared of jail. He got stupid drunk and did some even more stupid things to me and my kids. Fast forward five months, he is still drinking, we are divorced. I am relieved to get away from it!!!
It's a wash, rinse, repeat type situation.....
Fast forward 4 years....he drank the FIRST DAY OFF PROBATION!!!! He was only keeping it in check at all b/c he was scared of jail. He got stupid drunk and did some even more stupid things to me and my kids. Fast forward five months, he is still drinking, we are divorced. I am relieved to get away from it!!!
It's a wash, rinse, repeat type situation.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 6
thank you for your reponse hopeful4 
.
Yes the raw fear is what has kept him from drinking...for a week. He was EXTREMELY scared when he got the notice. The notice was firm and direct and hinted he was going to go back because someone "told on him"....and it turned out to be a 'show me your ID have a nice day" type of check.
Once he was out of jail and Once he discovered his probation officer wouldn't visit him or test him, he started drinking.
So I am hearing what you are saying...the cycle will continue. Just after hitting submit I thought to myself....I know the answer. It looks obvious to what the answer should be, right? But how do you walk away? How do you get them to leave you alone? When I talk about how I'm doing this for me that I am refusing to be in a relationship with a drinking alcoholic, he gets very angry at the word "boundary".
It's maddening....I've started having panic attacks so clearly this relationship is not healthy for ME. It's all about him and what I do for him. ugh
.Yes the raw fear is what has kept him from drinking...for a week. He was EXTREMELY scared when he got the notice. The notice was firm and direct and hinted he was going to go back because someone "told on him"....and it turned out to be a 'show me your ID have a nice day" type of check.
Once he was out of jail and Once he discovered his probation officer wouldn't visit him or test him, he started drinking.
So I am hearing what you are saying...the cycle will continue. Just after hitting submit I thought to myself....I know the answer. It looks obvious to what the answer should be, right? But how do you walk away? How do you get them to leave you alone? When I talk about how I'm doing this for me that I am refusing to be in a relationship with a drinking alcoholic, he gets very angry at the word "boundary".
It's maddening....I've started having panic attacks so clearly this relationship is not healthy for ME. It's all about him and what I do for him. ugh
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you go NO contact. you do not answer his calls, texts or emails. you do not do drive-by's, or pop in to see how he's doing. you end it firmly and you stick to your guns. do not expect him to HONOR your boundaries....not his job and he's way too self absorbed to show any respect for another's wishes.
you deserve better. he has some serious issues. and it will only get worse until HE truly decides to change. which may or may not happen.
besides there is WAY too much drama, too many break ups, for a relationship of just barely a year. IMHO.
you deserve better. he has some serious issues. and it will only get worse until HE truly decides to change. which may or may not happen.
besides there is WAY too much drama, too many break ups, for a relationship of just barely a year. IMHO.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by needclarity 
So I am hearing what you are saying...the cycle will continue. Just after hitting submit I thought to myself....I know the answer. It looks obvious to what the answer should be, right? But how do you walk away? How do you get them to leave you alone? When I talk about how I'm doing this for me that I am refusing to be in a relationship with a drinking alcoholic, he gets very angry at the word "boundary".
It's maddening....I've started having panic attacks so clearly this relationship is not healthy for ME. It's all about him and what I do for him.
It's maddening....I've started having panic attacks so clearly this relationship is not healthy for ME. It's all about him and what I do for him.
And--you do NOT need his permission or blessing or understanding to leave the relationship. You can leave at any time for any reason.
Others can offer more info on going NC (no contact) and details of making sure you're safe, and I'm sure they will. Just remember that you do NOT owe him anything, no matter how hard or easy it is to quit drinking. As long as he doesn't even think he has a problem, it kind of doesn't matter anyway, right? Just take care of you.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I myself said my boundaries firmly, one time. I did not care if he got mad. I had to get good and mad myself too. The drinking escalated as I knew it would and eventually I could not do it anymore. It was beyond boundaries. Now I have clear boundaries. They are enforced by my divorce decree and if the need would ever arise, the police.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
you go NO contact. you do not answer his calls, texts or emails. you do not do drive-by's, or pop in to see how he's doing. you end it firmly and you stick to your guns. do not expect him to HONOR your boundaries....not his job and he's way too self absorbed to show any respect for another's wishes.
you deserve better. he has some serious issues. and it will only get worse until HE truly decides to change. which may or may not happen.
besides there is WAY too much drama, too many break ups, for a relationship of just barely a year. IMHO.
you deserve better. he has some serious issues. and it will only get worse until HE truly decides to change. which may or may not happen.
besides there is WAY too much drama, too many break ups, for a relationship of just barely a year. IMHO.
and LOL at Drama only because I COMPLETELY agree with you which is why I wanted off this crazy train in April. Up to this point, I really have lived a fairly drama free life. I'm easy going and relaxed...until I met him. Again, message heard. And if I'm REALLY honest with myself, I'm doubting he will change because he has said in the past he likes drinking and doesn't think he has a real problem and he believes he can easily control this...but that really is up to him to really decide so I just need to focus on me and my boundaries.
Keep the comments coming. I need to hear these things. Thank you for taking the time to help.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by honeypig
Needclarity, it seems to me you have a fair amount of clarity already! Sometimes typing out your thoughts really lets you see what's going on, doesn't it? Your statement about how it's all about him is absolutely positively spot on. And yes, you DO deserve so much more in a partner.
And--you do NOT need his permission or blessing or understanding to leave the relationship. You can leave at any time for any reason.
Others can offer more info on going NC (no contact) and details of making sure you're safe, and I'm sure they will. Just remember that you do NOT owe him anything, no matter how hard or easy it is to quit drinking. As long as he doesn't even think he has a problem, it kind of doesn't matter anyway, right? Just take care of you.
And--you do NOT need his permission or blessing or understanding to leave the relationship. You can leave at any time for any reason.
Others can offer more info on going NC (no contact) and details of making sure you're safe, and I'm sure they will. Just remember that you do NOT owe him anything, no matter how hard or easy it is to quit drinking. As long as he doesn't even think he has a problem, it kind of doesn't matter anyway, right? Just take care of you.
Ok thank you. Yes anyone really deserves more. I want a partner, not someone snoring passed out drunk next to me...ain't nobody got time for that! But in all seriousness, I'm just sad.
I hear what you are saying about not needing his permission to leave...you are right. It's up to me and what I want. He doesn't have to agree to what I'm saying...which ironically is what I've been actually saying to him the past couple of weeks. That I don't have to agree with him to understand yet that doesn't happen in reverse...I MUST agree with him for him to believe I "UNDERSTAND" him. That defeats the purpose of "agree to disagree", lol.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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Originally Posted by hopeful4
I myself said my boundaries firmly, one time. I did not care if he got mad. I had to get good and mad myself too. The drinking escalated as I knew it would and eventually I could not do it anymore. It was beyond boundaries. Now I have clear boundaries. They are enforced by my divorce decree and if the need would ever arise, the police.
Ok I can do this. I can set them and then no-contact. And expect things to escalate as they did before back in April. *I* must be the strong one. *I* must enforce. Got it. Thanks.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Needclarity, hang around here. Read as much as you can. You'll learn a lot and get a lot of support to help you in "being the strong one." Your comments about how this relationship is not like any other one you've ever been in are, again, totally accurate. What applies w/normal, rational, non-addicted people does NOT hold true w/alcoholics.
This is an inspiring and uplifting site, even if the topic of addiction might not seem a likely one for those words to apply to. So many here have truly turned their lives around, both addicts/alcoholics and their friends and families. Coming here might change your life in ways you can't even imagine yet.
Glad you made it here, and I hope you visit often.
This is an inspiring and uplifting site, even if the topic of addiction might not seem a likely one for those words to apply to. So many here have truly turned their lives around, both addicts/alcoholics and their friends and families. Coming here might change your life in ways you can't even imagine yet.
Glad you made it here, and I hope you visit often.
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