healthyagain

Here is another observation. My AH used to always brag about me, like I was some kind of a trophy. He was praising my skills, bragging about my hobbies to everybody. To the point that it was making me feel uncomfortable. It was almost like worshiping me, but in reality, he could always turn against me in one second. I am great as long as I obey him and accept his "habit" as normal. Which I cannot. And will not.

At the moment, I am the B-word, probably the C-word too, and am probably covering the whole alphabet.

Last week, I made a few steps. One of those steps was setting a boundary that I won't be cooking for him if he is drinking. I honestly do not find it pleasurable anymore, and I am also very hurt by the sneakiness. He just wants to have a full tummy so he could enjoy drinking. It is very hard to accept that a simple act such as sharing a decent meal together was an act of enabling. But in this case, it was. So, no more.

I am also not around him anymore when he drinks. And yet it seems that he insists on my approval, that he actually demands it.

I expect a lot of hate these days, lots of bile, and angry looks. Lots of silent treatment. It is such an irony.

That actually means I am doing the right thing!

Florence

That sounds like a narcissist move. Praising you in front of an audience, abusing you behind closed doors.

bluehour

I agree completely.
Is your husband a narcissist?

healthyagain

Honestly, I have no idea. He is passive-aggressive, obstructionist, withdraws affection and sex, but all those moves do not work once you stop caring. I'll see what he does when I stick to my boundaries. This is a new step for me too. Actually, never got this far.

bluehour

Realizing that someone has a personality disorder and then learning about it can be game changing. You really, really realize you are not alone, or crazy, or doing everything wrong.

My ex is a rare (ish) male borderline and my parents are narcissists and I couldn't deal with any of them properly until I understood those disorders a little better.

It might be worth checking out....

healthyagain

Thanks! I will. He just does not seem like a typical narcissist. But there must be something more than alcoholism there. With him, it is like, "Here is alcohol; it is my darling. You accept, me like you: You good. If you rebel, you bad. Me punish you. I take my affection. We do not talk for days. You sad. You accept my darling. Me like you again."

Only this time, I do not care.

lizatola

I've wondered the same thing about my RAH, too. I've been through exactly what you have. The praising me in front of everybody, bragging about my accomplishments, etc and then criticizing me at home behind closed doors. And, usually, the criticisms were about stupid stuff. My RAH has told me that my chicken is too moist(yep, because I guess he is in the minority and likes dried out chicken instead, LOL), I use the wrong spoon to stir my food with(because obviously I'm too stupid to realize that the slightly curved spoon won't stir things as well as the flatter wooden spoon), I don't make the correct vacuum marks on the carpet, I am wasteful, I get off on the wrong exit on the highway, blah, blah, blah.

Put him in front of a crowd and you'd think I should be carrying a trophy and sitting on a throne. I don't know if my RAH is truly a narcissist in the terms of a personality disorder but I can say that he is sick, mostly because of the alcoholism but also because of underlying mental illness. At this point, I don't even bother to put a name to it, it's not worth my mental energy. Most all alcoholics have narcissistic tendencies and are prone to what is referred to in the Big Book as King Baby. That about sums it up.

amy55

I know what you mean about feeling like the trophy wife, or feeling like he puts you on a pedastal in front of others, then as soon as you are not around others the "real him" comes out. Mine did it because he wanted everyone to think the best of him. So many of my relatives were so jealous of me because of my perfect marriage and my obviously adoring husband.

Then you go home and the nightmare begins.

I was always questioning myself as to what I was doing wrong. Then I started to observe things.

It's nice to be able to sit there and just watch the war go on in their own head without any other participants. He wanted a war, and he was going to have a war, whether I participated or not.

It didn't matter if I participated, I was a b**** whether I engaged or not. Yes, he wanted approval, but even if I gave him approval to his drinking, his words or his actions, I was still going to be that b**** that started everything.

And all I was doing was , ,

I didn't have to say a word.

You are doing the right thing. It's called detachment. Just know that when he realizes this is not affecting you, it will get worse.

Take steps to protect yourself. Get money together for that air fare.

(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

healthyagain

LOL Amy, you sure like popcorns!

I am OK, I know I have options. I am stronger than he thinks. Once I realized all this was manipulation to control me through fear and loneliness, my fear was gone. And the money will be saved.

needclarity

Hmmm. I can really relate to what you're saying. My ex-ABF would always tell me "I always speak so highly of you. I tell all my friends how awesome you are. That you are there for me and so supportive"...and this usually comes at a time when I'm trying to tell him something how I'm frustrated with our relationship and it usually has to do with his drinking. It comes out of nowhere when he says this. I just say "that's nice but that has nothing to do with my feeling alone in this relationship"...and rinse and repeat.

I don't care what he tells people I care about our relationship and how we both feel and how our needs are getting met...