lizzy1988

2 years ago I was spending a majority of my time tracking my husband, trying to find out why I had this unstoppable suspicion that something was happening with him. No matter how much I begged for truth, he wouldn't give it. I was paranoid, I was crazy. I spent so much time distracted by what he could be doing that I missed out on time with my friends/family etc.
I would go through the phone, look at the internet history, and find nothing, but yet there was an obvious void between us. Eventually I started noticing bottles accumulating in our home and in the car, smelling like alcohol everyday and on occasion i would catch him using cocaine. This was when I realized there was a problem.
One year ago I went through his phone while he was asleep and my life got turned upside down. The answers I was looking for we're now staring me in the face, and even though I had an idea my marriage was in trouble, I was still so shocked. I thought I knew this man, I thought we would live happily ever after... You never think it's going to happen to you.
That was the lowest we have ever been, I didn't think we could recover. A year later we are still together, but the recovery process hasn't been smooth. 3 months ago my husband slipped, going right back to where he was a year before, this time leaving us in a very bad financial state. I went back to searching through the phone, the internet history. It was clear he was looking for another hookup.
When I found out I asked him to leave, he became suicidal... I had to phone the police on one occasion. After this he and I once again decided to work on our recovery. Although today I feel good, I'm confused as to how infidelity is tied into addiction. Trust is so hard after everything, I'm not sure how to get it back.

NYCDoglvr

Addiction and infidelity are two different things; some addicts are unfaithful, others aren't. I suggest asking yourself if you trust and respect him. Without these I don't know if much of a relationship is possible. What saved my sanity is Alanon, which taught me there's a difference between love and need, that I really do deserve better than what I was once willing to settle for. Most of all, I learned I'm powerless over other people and their diseases. A big hug

ladyscribbler

It's not your job to force yourself to trust him again, it is his job to earn your trust back. He does not seem very committed to doing that.
Also agree with NYCDoglvr. Addiction and infidelity are two separate issues. My AXB was physically and verbally abusive, but he never cheated on me. Not saying that like it's a good thing, but to point out that not all addicts and alcoholics are unfaithful, just like they are not all physically abusive.