HHTexas

AH promised counseling and AA after the last relapse. We're still booked to see a marriage/addiction counselor next week. However, he's been to 1 AA meeting. Made an excuse to not go, tired, etc. He doesn't like AA, but does want to get better and "just be normal." He's recently started going to the gym and stopped smoking. I don't think he can do it without AA and this pisses me off. I know I can't force him to go. But I see the anger building up again (called the dog a bitch for whining today). He's not drinking. What are my options? My son loves his dad. I feel like I should be further along than this..., endless family weeks at treatment, al anon, books, blah blah blah. I really just want a nice boring life with a lot of trips to Disney World.......

AnvilheadII

I really just want a nice boring life with a lot of trips to Disney World.......

what will it take for you to GET that life? cuz I tell ya that sounds like a worthy goal! your AH is showing you just how much he is invested and the kind of life he is willing to live..........

NYCDoglvr

There is nothing you can do or say that willl make him stop drinking and go to AA. I suggest going to Alanon, which saved my sanity, helped keep my denial and rationalization in check. Without the support of codependents I couldn't have started taking care of myself.

CodeJob

What kind of help do you want to ask about boundaries HH?

Your thread sounds frustrated with your partner's recovery attempts. My RAH did not stick with AA and his progress has frustrated me at times bc some would just write him off as a dry drunk. It would be easier in a sense if I could mark him on the rain gauge of a 12 step program and his level of involvement.

However, Look at what your qualifier is up to. He is sober it sounds like. He has started working out which is a good outlet. He has also quit smoking! Which might be a trigger for him so he is seriously taking the high road. He might be cranky, but maybe he decided to just make one big attempt? It works for some.

I see you have been here since 2005 though. You may very well be right he has taken on too much without enough support and he's fixing to relapse.

I found out my RAH had relapsed in 2007 at Disney. Part of me wanted to kill him right there at the happiest place on earth.

FireSprite

Hey Texas, sounds like he is in the fairly early stages of recovery at this point? And has quit smoking during that time as well?

It definitely takes time for anyone to clean out enough for their behavior to even RESEMBLE normal, lol, but in the earliest days of recovery it did not much different to me than what RAH's active drinking days were like.

That's when I turned to SR a lot - I had to learn & practice things like detachment, my own recovery needs, etc. I needed to be able to remove myself from the turmoil happening inside of him that he couldn't/wouldn't express to me & stop reacting to it all around. I couldn't MAKE him become centered & balanced, but I COULD work on getting myself there despite it all.

Fwiw - I would LIVE at WDW if I could. Just this morning DD & I were fondly remembering our last trips there a year ago on our ride to school.

HHTexas

Thanks for all the responses! I guess I just feel like if he isn't attending AA, he doesn't want it bad enough. And yet I can't make him go (duh). So I work on myself. And pray. A lot.

dandylion

HHTexas....you ask "what are my options". Your only option is to take care of yourself and do what is in your best interest. alanon or similar support group plus a personal counselor is the standard that seems to help so many others on this forum.
You seem to have been at this for at least 10yrs.....judging by your join date. You will have to decide if this is what you want for your life........your future is in your own hands....you can take it any where you want.....

Do you want to just exist and tolerate...or, do you want to thrive.....?

dandylion

allinon

Thank you dandylion! I don't post a lot but I do read a lot and you always seem to say something that I can identify with.....like the highlighted statement above.

That's really our choice, isn't it?? Both will bring pain, it's just a matter of whether it will be short-term pain initially and then long-term serenity and thriving or long-term pain and just existing...like a slow death.

This is what I'm faced with....thank you for putting it so succinctly!

Good luck HHTexas and thanks for posting.

dandylion

allinon.....yes, I was faced with this choice with my children's father. Thank God, I chose the short-term pain route. The slow death route just seemed like something I couldn't bear!!!!!!!!!
In reality..it turned out to be more relief than pain.....who knew?

I say to go for it.....you only get a short time on this earth.....and, if you can't find contentment in your skin, there isn't much reward in anything else...

dandylion