ghosseir

I was checking out the classic reading thread, when does the pain stop, and i had a sort of epiphany..... What i really want, and never got from my ABF is to be cherished... To be a priority. It's just that simple..... Oh, he said all the right words: you're the love if my life ( we have known each other 30 yrs, reconnected a few years ago) i need you, i want you, etc... And yet, i never felt cherished. He said he loved me, and i believe him, but he never really cherished our relationship.

Maybe it's a girl thing, but is this a reasonable thing to want in a relationship? I think it's the drugs and alcohol that did this to him..... He is off meth, but still drinks, quite a bit. And i am struggling to come to terms with the fact that even if he completely sobers up, even if i am, indeed, the love of his life. He will not be able to give me what i truly want.... To be cherished

honeypig

ghosseir, I do think it's reasonable to want to be cherished.

And he may not be able to cherish you, now or ever.

But you can, and must, cherish yourself.

I hope you do.

dandylion

ghosseir....I don't know if it is a girl thing...but I know that it is a ME thing.....LOL.
Actually, maybe it is a human thing......

The thing is....some people just are not equipped to give us what we need...who can't love us in the way we NEED to be.
I have found that if they can't do it...and, do it willingly....then, it is in our own best interest to move away from that relationship.....

dandylion

AnvilheadII

that's a valid point of view. you are seeing the disconnect between his WORDS and his ACTIONS. wanting to be cherished, honored and respected, held in high regard is an absolutely reasonable requirement!!!

healthyagain

No, definitely not a girl thing. He is just in love with another girl right now. And it is good that you have that feeling. You still know what you want in a relationship.

ghosseir

Indeed.... It is sad thinking about it, and i'm struggling. I have bounced back and forth re: moving on, staying the course, supporting him, etc.... I don't think i am co-dependent, i do my own thing and do cherish and take care of myself. There is just so much history there, and the thought that no, we will probably not be together in the long run (sober or not) just breaks my heart... :-(

Thank you all for the support...

ghosseir

Healthyagain, thanks for your response... But what makes you think he's in love with another girl?

healthyagain

Oh, not a human girl. For now, alcohol is his priority, his lady. That is what I meant.

AnvilheadII

I think this is what she meant:

He is off meth, but still drinks, quite a bit.

that's your competition.......the drugs and alcohol.

ghosseir

Ah, yes.... The ever present mistress....
I just don't want to come in second anymore. To booze or anyone else. I think i'm done and ready to grieve. It will be pretty awful.... But necessary

smc92va

I'm not sure it's just a girl thing even though guys might not readily admit it. To be cherished is to be truly loved, respected and accepted for who you are despite your faults. For someone to look past the faults and see your soul shine in a way that others can't- to understand the true you and everything that encompasses the essence of you and love all of it. I think this is something everyone longs for. I know I sure do.

NYCDoglvr

It's human nature to want to be loved and cherished. What becomes clear with the alcoholic is that they cherish booze, it is their higher power, God, best friend and most important thing in the world.