KidsR#1

Last night my AH came back and I had all his stuff packed in his car that thought he would need in the near future. It was close to 9pm and the kids were getting ready for bed so I didn't need him dragging it out any further that he couldn't stay.

He was here for just a few minutes to say good bye to the kids and left without any problems. The only call I got last night from him was where I had packed his cell charger. He was staying at a hotel. He said he'll need to figure out some other place to stay as he (we) can't afford him staying in a hotel every night.

I want to call him so bad today to see how he is doing. I am worried about him. But if I call am I going back on what I told him last night- that I need some time? Would it be sending the wrong message by calling or texting him to check in?

honeypig

I think even more than being concerned about what message you're sending him, I'd ask myself what message I was sending myself. What would that call do for you/say to you? That even though he's not physically there, you're still going to keep up your old patterns of behavior, checking on him, taking care of someone who is an adult and can/should take care of himself?

You're trying to take a break to get some perspective and space, right? So take that break. Live differently for a while. You'll gain a lot more than if you keep up the same old relationship, just via phone/text instead of in person.

Wishing you strength and clarity.

53500

Yes it sends the wrong message to him and to YOU, as honeypig said. Don't worry about him. He isn't your responsibility.

Take the break, take care of yourself and your kids.

AnvilheadII

what is your REAL motive for wanting to call?

KidsR#1

Honey pig you are right. I am trying to take a break, that is why I packed so much of his stuff. So that he would not have a reason to call (like last night) or need to come by. I have to trust that where ever he is, he is OK.

The kids have only asked 1 time today how long he will be gone. It says a lot about their relationship with their dad- they were not even upset last night when he came home quickly and left. Or even when I was packing his things. They had not seen him for 3 days! When AH told our 4 yr old DS that he loved him, his response was "I love you mommy." The kids not having a great relationship with their dad is the saddest part. We rarely did stuff together as a family. It was usually me taking the kids to do things and him opting to do something else or stay home. He was slowly working on spending more time with our 7 yr old DD and their relationship was getting better.

KidsR#1

AnvilHead II- my real motive was to make sure he was still alive. He has made threats to hurt himself in the past. Most recent friday night @ the ER which resulted in a psych consult.

the need passed though once I heard he had talked to his sponsor today. As long as he has talked to someone I can sleep better @ night.

NYCDoglvr

If you call you're sending a clear message that you still want contact with him. Is this what you want?

KidsR#1

It's not that I don't want the contact with him. I'm not to that point at least.

now that I know where he's calling from if I choose not to talk to him I can ignore the calls, which is what I did yesterday until last night when I knew he was being released from the hospital and was planning on coming home.

hopeful4

When i made my X leave the wonderful people at Celebrate Recovery basically said, "we've got this you take care of you and your kids." They would send me a text here and there just saying hes alive and not a threat to himself. That helped me more than anything, those folks should have halos on their heads.

Xxx