Noclue80

Hi, thanks for reading my post. I really need some advice as to whether I'm getting into something that I really should be running away from. I'm 34 with 2 kids. I met a guy who's in his early forties about 5 months ago at a party. He's never been married, no kids and has never had a woman live with him, although he has had relationships. I've been 'dating' him twice a week since we met, and we get on great and have a lot in common. The only problem is his drinking and lack of emotion. All our dates involve beer (I like a drink, but I can take it or leave it.) and going to the pub or drinking at his. Recently he has been drinking 10-11 pints of larger on our meets. He then always just falls asleep on me on the sofa and can't remember any of our conversations the next day. He isn't really interested in sex (unless he can lie back and just let me do to him) or the stuff new loved up couples should be doing, and it's leaving me confused. He texts me every day, but it's only friendly chit chat unless he's drunk then he might open up a bit, but again won't remember he said any of it. When it's not my night to meet him he has his mates over for beer and card nights, or he goes to the pub..and I'm never invited. He holds down a job, has his own house and a car..but there is something in my gut saying something isn't right. When he comes out with me and my kids we have to go to a beer garden, although he is good with them. I've never been in a relationship like this, and I'm just wondering if alarm bells should be going off?

Thanks in advance x

andyroo72

Hey there,

Um, in short I think the answer to your question is a definite 'Yes!'

Does this guy have any kind of sober existence, in your experience? It really sounds like he's been boozing every time you've seen him.

I seriously wouldn't rely too much on the fact that he can 'hold down a job.' It's about priorities, I think, and when alcohol is the priority you (and your kids) certainly aren't.

AlwaysGrowing

This is the best part of your relationship. Just wait till you are married, this drunk guy is talking to your kids and even driving them around.
There is a reason why he is still single. It isn't because he is saving himself for marriage...

Noclue80

Hi thanks for the quick reply. He is usually sober when we first meet up, as it's usually straight from work, but he's normally had a drink within half an hour or so. Also whenever I've stayed over night he's woken up ok without a hangover even though he was really drunk..but he guzzles juice all morning then. He suffers from really bad acid reflux so is always complaining of heartburn too. Trust me to fall for a guy like this..

honeypig

Hi, Noclue, and welcome to SR. It's too bad that you've gotten involved with this guy, but you are early into the relationship, are not married to him, have no kids by him, don't live with him--in short, you can end the relationship with relatively few complications. And you do have control over that--having "fallen" for someone doesn't mean you have to continue down that path, no matter what red flags you see.

As others have said, this is the best it will ever be with him. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and will only get worse. Ask yourself if this is the life you want--a man who has no interest in sex, shows no emotion, and doesn't remember what he's said to you. He may have a job, a house and a car, but so do plenty of men who can actually have a conversation--and remember it!! It doesn't sound as if he is nearly as interested in you and your kids as he is in drinking, and that will not likely change.

Ask yourself if you deserve more than a drunken roommate who--for now--has a job and is not abusive. I think you do...

53500

Noclue, I think you have a very clear clue and your alarm bells are ringing loudly with good reason!

1. All your dates involve beer
2. He drinks 10-12 pints at a time.
3. HE DOESN'T REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED WHEN HE WAS DRUNK! ON A REGULAR BASIS! This is a big one. Hence the caps.
4. He isn't interested in sex and it sound like his disinterest is based in his drinking.
5. When he goes out with you and your kids you HAVE TO go to a beer garden. Why do you HAVE TO? If you suggest something else, what will happen?
6. Listen to your gut. This man has a drinking problem. What you have with him now is as good as it will ever be and the odds are about 100% that if you stay with him it will get a lot worse.

Trust your instincts! Take care of yourself.

Noclue80

Thanks guys, 53500 are blackouts a really bad sign of alcohol abuse? I may sound a bit silly, but I've had no experience with a guy like this. He can drink and drink and actually appear quite sober but as soon as we get home he sits on the sofa and is asleep in seconds. We went out and were talking about something quite interesting, but the morning after he didn't remember a word of what was said. This is the only time he opens up emotionally and it's really frustrating because I'm left wondering if he really meant any of what he said..

If I suggest going somewhere where there is no alcohol being served he won't come. I tried to get him to go to a theme park with the kids, but he declined the offer..but he'll go bowling with us all because they have a bar.

PunchDrunk

You are describing my AH. The first time you stand between this man and his Higher Power (which is the alcohol), believe me, Hell will rain down upon you. You have a parental duty to protect your kids from dysfunctional people and relationships. You are just discovering the tip of the Dysfunction Iceberg. You are not dating a man; you are dating a high-functioning alcoholic who can only be around you if he is drunk. He doesn't see you as a three-dimensional human being. He sees you as an addition to his pleasure.

Get out now before you and your children are damaged.

Butterfly

Welcome to SR all I will say to you is RUN for your own sanity and well being and for your kids. Is this the type of relationship you want always involving alcohol, passing out and showing no interest in intimacy with you?

What has already been said about addiction is correct it is progressive and will get worse although from what you've said his drinking is already progressing as he drinks every night and will not do anything without alcohol.

Drinking to the point of passing out is not good, my separated AH drank to the point of passing out as he couldn't regulate his drinking couldn't control it, having one or two beers wasn't a possibility for him. He was like that 18 years ago when I met him And he's still like that now I didn't understand addiction and was young and naive I have been told many times on this forum he is showing you who he really is believe him.

Good luck to you

dandylion

Noclue80......I suggest that you go to the section of this forum for Adult Children of Alcoholics......and read a good portion of the posts on there. This will give you an idea of what your children would be facing if you hitch your wagon to this "star".

Who you spend your time with, in this regard, has an enormous impact on your children.
Don't ever rationalize that it doesn't.

I think you know that this relationship is forming over thin ice...or you wouldn't be writing on this forum.

I think you did come to the right place, though....

Please keep reading. You say that you know very little about alcoholism...so, this is the right place to be!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dandylion

53500

Noclue, blackouts are a sign of alcoholism. As is a pattern of heavy drinking and being unwilling to attend events that don't include alcohol. Your guy is an alcoholic. Run, spare yourself and your children from the craziness and abuse that are likely to come your way. Read through the forum (if you haven't already) and see what it's like to live with an active alcoholic.

It's so good you found this forum!

AnvilheadII

what does this person have to offer your children? you HAVE to take them to the BEER GARDEN?

let this one go. seriously.

Noclue80

Thanks..yes I need to sort this out before Me and my girls get too attached. It's such a shame as behind it all he seems a really nice guy..but after reading through other posts on here I can see what can happen, and I'm not sure it's the route I should be taking. I need to have a long hard think about this, so thanks for the advice x

NYCDoglvr

Is this what you want in a relationship? Because if it isn't I hope you move on. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and he will only get worse.Especially bad example for a child.

theuncertainty

This was my XAH when we first started dating.

The book "Under the Influence" by Milam and Ketcham was a huge help for me when I finally started actively wondering what was going on (much much much later in the relationship than you currently are with your BF). I was a bit stunned to find out that there were signs about his alcoholism even that early in our relationship. His being able to drink a _lot_ without showing any signs of intoxication was one of them.

Sungrl

Sounds like he wants a drinking buddy with boobs. You don't have that much invested. Move on, he has nothing to offer you or your children.

hopeful4

Run....as fast as you can. Harsh....but true.

So sorry!

slamr

Take it from me a recovering Alcoholic. Run! I worry about your Kids. God knows I put my own through a lot when I was Drinking. That's something that cant be undone. Be brutally honest with him when he is Sober. Express to him, what you posted on here. If its meant to be he will change. If not move on and fast. Good Luck.

hopeful4

Just don't let him manipulate you into thinking he will change into the man you dream of. That is not likely.