I'm Alone and afraid - a lost soul

Old 09-02-2014, 09:43 PM
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No contact = no new hurts. As an alcoholic my daughter was almost to the point of having no contact with me. At some point our loved ones have to let us sink as hard as it is to do this. The only person who can keep me from drowning is me.

I am very glad that you updated. Keep posting and coming here. You will get lots of support here .
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Old 09-02-2014, 10:12 PM
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(((Hugs to you)))

IMOAE, when the addiction is in complete control of someone, it will continue to try to manipulate you to stay engaged. The addiction needs an enabler in order to thrive because the person it lives inside is under it's control.

The co-dependant's addiction will also seek to thrive inside you and enable the other's addiction, unless you focus on becoming free of it. No contact means no manipulation.

At this point, you cannot help each other and can only focus on your own "monster" in order to become whole, free, and balanced beings again.

It really does suck.
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Old 09-03-2014, 02:24 AM
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Glad you are back!

No contact means no contact. The response "can I contact you via text" is a further manipulation to lock you into continuing to respond I hope that you see that. Understand that if the only response they can get is negative that's ok - its a response. Next would be "well I won't text but if such and such happens I will let you know", or "would it be ok if just every once in awhile I check in on you"? blah blah blah. She is the hook and you are the fish.

As for feeling like you should have responded and were rude not to do so this is co-dependent thinking. You DID respond. I am sure your ex understands the meaning of no contact and there is no need for clarification.

As the codie in the relationship the best you can do for your addict is to no longer enable. While you feel a guilt because it "wasn't her fault you became addicted to her" - well that is rationalizing that you owe her to remain in contact with her. You do not. What you do owe her is not to enable her addictions - because it only perpetuates it. No contact seems rude, or hurtful, and possibly hateful. Its not. The best we can hope for as far as they are concerned is an accountability for actions. When we are co-dependent and enabling we absorb all of the addicts accountability. Whether she ever feels this way no one can say, as long as she is actively using she probably will not.

One day at a time my friend.

Now, what are you doing for you to heal from this?
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Old 09-03-2014, 03:33 AM
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Redatlanta is right but I'm still struggling with my ex being accountable for his actions too. Not having closure is so painful in many ways. One way that I'm now really struggling with is my part in all of it. How could I fall in love with someone that is too emotional immature to afford me closure? It seems to me that if my ex was truly working the Steps and worried about his recovery as was his reason for our breakup according to him that he would push himself to give me honest closure? I guess the behaviors in the first year of recovery are just like the behaviors when he was using meaning he is still being selfish and hurtful. That really disappoints me as it made me loose faith in recovery and faith in the fact that an addict can really change. From my current vantage point, I don't think addicts ever really change.
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Old 09-03-2014, 05:38 AM
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Thanks, Wodge, for sharing your experience with us. For me, it helped me toward an AH-HA moment.

After almost two years away from my now XAH, I am learning one more thing that NC does. I got an email saying that he has been living with someone else for 3 months, and none of his bad behavior, his "alter-ego" as he called it, has surfaced. In fact, he said, none of it had ever surfaced since I left. Therefore, he had no bad behavior. Therefore what happened was that I projected all my issues on HIM, thought he was my father who abused me, and it was all my fault. My fantasy. My psychosis. He was the innocent maltreated partner.

What this does is let him have a new relationship with his "good behavior" and siphon off the anxiety and rage behind his "bad behavior" and project it out to me, where he can argue it with me in the guise of "straightening me out". His rage is huge, and he HAS to have an outlet for it. He needs a very bad guy in his life, and he wants desperately to keep this new relationship with his new lady "clean", so voila, here I am, his sitting duck for his necessary target practice.

Never saw it this way before. When people create triangles with other people, it lets them compartmentalize their behavior and send the bad stuff one way and maintain their illusion of good behavior with the new person. They get the outlet for their rage and anxiety and look good to the person they care about at the same time.

No contact all the way for me. I'm done, I'm happy, and I don't want to even look back into that hornet's nest.

So, Wodge, civility and good manners don't matter here. You've said no contact, and you mean it. You notified your X of your intentions clearly. You were honest, clear, and polite. No need to do it again.

You are headed on a much healthier track! On your own, for yourself, choosing health. From my experience, the more we choose health for ourselves, the more we can recognize ill-health in others and not fall into those pits again.

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Old 09-03-2014, 11:28 AM
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Originally Posted by Wodge View Post
but wished her the best - and told her again that I didn’t want any more contact. (............)

I didn’t reply to any of the two texts, but feel a little now that I should have, because it is respectful to do so (to myself as well as her)
I just wanted to point out that you had already said you didn't want any further contact with her. Quite clearly. Her question was just a test to see which buttons she could push to get a response. Not responding to her button-pushing isn't rude, it's not disrespectful. It's abiding by your own wishes.

Hang in there.
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Old 09-03-2014, 11:44 AM
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Hello. I am coming in late and just want to offer you a warm welcome. You have been given great advise, I just want to let you know I am here, reading this, that I support you!

I too agree that her continual texts are simply a way to further manipulate the situation, even if she does not even realize it.

No contact will make your life easier, I promise. If you are still there, I hope you enjoy San Fran! That is one of my favorite areas of the country, especially this time of year.

Hugs, you can do this, you are not alone!
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Old 09-03-2014, 12:16 PM
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It took a full month of no contact for my head to start to clear but I could also recognize that I could not engage again no matter what.
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Old 09-03-2014, 01:53 PM
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No contact= Isn't to help her it is to SAVE you.

All niceness and politeness went out the door along time ago.
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Old 09-03-2014, 02:29 PM
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Hey wodge,
I have been separated for 1 1/2 months and haven't heard anything from her in only the last 2 weeks. I feel like I am just starting to grieve and move on because she isn't trying to get to me through third parties. NC has definitely helped me to get the space I need to figure me out. As far as it being mean or disrespectful, well the way I see it is I haven't been shown any respect so why do I want to continue to open the door for that type of treatment. I find myself missing "her" but not exactly sure what I am missing. Missing the ghost of what I thought we would be I suppose. You can do it, I feel your pain. It gets easier but there are some bumps along the way.
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Old 09-03-2014, 02:47 PM
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i love the way the mind will try to find that loophole or back door - for the addict/alcoholic it might be - so you mean like NO alcohol ever? what about beer? what about a special occasion? or while i'm on vacation? and similarly the codependent will try to find a way to keep contact in NO contact...well shouldn't i at least contact her to tell her i won't be contacting her? shouldn't i reply to his email, after already asking him not to contact me again, and tell him i don't want him to contact me anymore?

just as the alcoholic can't drink just a little, neither can the codependent taste just a little of the object of their affection without wanting to devour them whole.
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Old 09-03-2014, 06:08 PM
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Hello again. Thank you for listening to me, and offering this wise support. The advice here is deeply valuable; I can tell it comes from a human knowing that can only be reached through personal courage. I feel strength through reading and sharing this. It gives me the same kind of feeling of identity, trust, and self belief that being in a family did, before it was broken many years ago.

Strangely, after I had posted Yesterday, I received another text from my ex which simply said that she genuinely hoped I had a good time away (with a kiss). It was unprompted, and came from nowhere. It felt like I was armed with wisdom to deal with it, as I realise that she is doing this (and I am sure unconsciously) to see if I am still there for emotional support, and possible enablement.

Whilst it feels unnatural not to respond, I am seeing that it is the need for self-preservation in the treatment of myself as an addicted codependent that must take priority. Thank you (Hugs)
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Old 09-03-2014, 07:59 PM
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Wodge,

Your ex realizes the depth of your attachment! A's like to keep their codies on the string in case they want or need something down the road. If you get out of her talons then she will have to deal with her life and consequences without you if she reaches out! There is a saying around these parts "A's don't have relationships...they take hostages!

Have you thought about a counselor well versed in codependency and addiction? Keep moving forward.... no contact.... recovery work and in time you will be happy and free again!
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Old 09-08-2014, 02:40 PM
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Hello again,

My ex tried to call again last night twice, but I let the phone ring through both times. I really don't know what I'd say to her at the moment. I also think that she would have a go at me for "not being her friend", but don't know that. The strange thing about it is that I'd been feeling fairly low over the weekend, but it instinctively made me feel a lot better to know that she was needing me in some way. I guess its a massive part of the codependency that you feel a high from the other person's need for you.

I'm kind of on a come down from it now, and feeling a bit low. It really is the pattern of addiction, isn't it? It amazes me that something that is not a substance can become an addiction. I suppose that addictions generally take hold from experiences that are thrilling in the short term, and involve a relationship with something/one else that enable a kind of short-circuit of the self, so as to evade re-relating with the person smothered within.

I have isolated myself a fair amount in the last week or so, and am working, but trying to take things fairly easy. I am finding facing the World as a codependent, without someone else to "live through", to be challenging. I guess its a mixture of grief, recollection of abandonment, and holding true to a belief I can be a worthwhile inner friend, rather than beating myself up for being a worthless waste of space

I'm sorry to ramble, it helps to share thoughts and feelings with people who understand. Big hugs
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Old 09-08-2014, 03:32 PM
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Wodge,
The way you worded the facing the world as a codependent really struck me. I was feeling that last week as I was alone in the house I'm at for the week. I couldn't put it into the words you did but it really clicked when I read that. Thank you.
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