Relinquishing control and the fear of the unknown
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Olney, MD
Posts: 268
Relinquishing control and the fear of the unknown
Since the dirty little secret of AH's massive drinking problem came out, I feel like I am vomiting out all the pent up feelings I had and have about it. I have also come to discover through talking with my mother and curiously wondering about my father's behavior my whole life since finding Al Anon, I realize that yes, my father is an alcoholic. Not a drink 18 beers every night like AH, but once he does drink, he will drink until its gone. He also has other areas of excess like eating food till its gone, when he decided to lose weight he lost so much he looked sick.......etc. Extremism in any form.
I know logically and in my heart that I did nothing to make AH pick up that bottle. He did it himself. To self-medicate his depression? To try to forget the memories of the sexual abuse he suffered as a child. Who knows but they were his reasons, not mine. I have known this and resented it a long time, that he has drug me down this rabbit hole with him. But I thought it was living with AH that made me lose my sense of self. In reality, I never had one from growing up with an alcoholic father. Nothing was ever good enough, we were bratty, good for nothing kids. And once as a child you are told that over and over, you really do start to believe it. So this epiphany about my father gosh dang does it ever make sense.
At this time, I have decided to no longer try to please him. I can't. I wont argue with him, its pointless. He likes people to argue with him. He is miserable and as the old saying goes, "Misery loves company".
With AH the control thing has been huge. I have done it all, pouring all the beers out, flat out telling him he is an alcoholic, threatening to leave. Leaving for a few days then coming back. The sobriety never lasted longer than a day. I make no difference in this, I know. He is in rehab now. He went voluntarily. He made the statement to me, "If I don't stop, I'll die". Very profound. However with his family of origin that includes an ACOA for a mother and an addict as a sister, he is a perfect little angel and there must be something that drove him to this. I am the easiest person to point the finger at, and it has been pointed on me. His mother means well but is awfully insensitive. I lost it last night and probably crossed a boundary I shouldn't have. I apologized for that. His sister however sent me the most cruel text messages. The most cruel things that have ever been said to me. Boy, blame and shame right there. There must be something wrong with ME. But she's an addict herself that is not working on herself so this comes with the territory. But I made a grieveous error. I engaged her. I was so enraged I thought before I acted. And I regret it now because all it did was satisfy her.
The cure part. Scares me to death. Its the fear of the unknown. He could come home from rehab and pick up a bottle that night. He could have fits and starts, he could be very serious about his program and remain clean and sober. And the fact that there is NOTHING I can do about it scares me. It scares me because I know on a personal level, I cannot live with him when he is drinki dong. So that brings up the topic of loss. Theres a chance I will lose him. That makes me desperately afraid. Especially if he follows his sisters advice that after 3 years, she can drink "once in a while" The writing is on the wall.
The unknown scares me. Boy does it ever. But accept that my life is unmanageably, I coulda told you that 5 years ago.
I know logically and in my heart that I did nothing to make AH pick up that bottle. He did it himself. To self-medicate his depression? To try to forget the memories of the sexual abuse he suffered as a child. Who knows but they were his reasons, not mine. I have known this and resented it a long time, that he has drug me down this rabbit hole with him. But I thought it was living with AH that made me lose my sense of self. In reality, I never had one from growing up with an alcoholic father. Nothing was ever good enough, we were bratty, good for nothing kids. And once as a child you are told that over and over, you really do start to believe it. So this epiphany about my father gosh dang does it ever make sense.
At this time, I have decided to no longer try to please him. I can't. I wont argue with him, its pointless. He likes people to argue with him. He is miserable and as the old saying goes, "Misery loves company".
With AH the control thing has been huge. I have done it all, pouring all the beers out, flat out telling him he is an alcoholic, threatening to leave. Leaving for a few days then coming back. The sobriety never lasted longer than a day. I make no difference in this, I know. He is in rehab now. He went voluntarily. He made the statement to me, "If I don't stop, I'll die". Very profound. However with his family of origin that includes an ACOA for a mother and an addict as a sister, he is a perfect little angel and there must be something that drove him to this. I am the easiest person to point the finger at, and it has been pointed on me. His mother means well but is awfully insensitive. I lost it last night and probably crossed a boundary I shouldn't have. I apologized for that. His sister however sent me the most cruel text messages. The most cruel things that have ever been said to me. Boy, blame and shame right there. There must be something wrong with ME. But she's an addict herself that is not working on herself so this comes with the territory. But I made a grieveous error. I engaged her. I was so enraged I thought before I acted. And I regret it now because all it did was satisfy her.
The cure part. Scares me to death. Its the fear of the unknown. He could come home from rehab and pick up a bottle that night. He could have fits and starts, he could be very serious about his program and remain clean and sober. And the fact that there is NOTHING I can do about it scares me. It scares me because I know on a personal level, I cannot live with him when he is drinki dong. So that brings up the topic of loss. Theres a chance I will lose him. That makes me desperately afraid. Especially if he follows his sisters advice that after 3 years, she can drink "once in a while" The writing is on the wall.
The unknown scares me. Boy does it ever. But accept that my life is unmanageably, I coulda told you that 5 years ago.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 494
However with his family of origin that includes an ACOA for a mother and an addict as a sister, he is a perfect little angel and there must be something that drove him to this. I am the easiest person to point the finger at, and it has been pointed on me.
#2, the unknown is scary. I personally do not like change at all. At some point, however, the balance tipped for me to where I craved basically anything other than the daily life I had with my AH.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
TerpGal....you will find that the most significant progress and changes are made outside of your zone of comfort.
It is short-term pain for long-term gain.
Getting through this life with zero pain or discomfort just isn't possible.
Even those who stay in their marriages are not guranteed to have zero pain and discomfort.
dandylion
It is short-term pain for long-term gain.
Getting through this life with zero pain or discomfort just isn't possible.
Even those who stay in their marriages are not guranteed to have zero pain and discomfort.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello Terp,
What are you doing to keep your mind calm and settled so you can focus on you? My best interventions are SR, meditating, Al Anon 12 steps/mtgs, and running.
I see you piecing your history together. Very wise work.
What are you doing to keep your mind calm and settled so you can focus on you? My best interventions are SR, meditating, Al Anon 12 steps/mtgs, and running.
I see you piecing your history together. Very wise work.
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