MissBeth

Hi,

So I have been separated from my EXABF for 5 months now. Everything was sorted long ago, and I no longer speak/email/text him for any reason. He tries to engage me via these methods but I just ignore him.

I got a Skype call from his youngest daughter today (11) and she just wanted to talk. I try and see them somewhat regularly as I was part of their lives for 6.5 years and they need all the support they can get really.

During the course of the Skype call, she told me what happened Friday night. It was the EXABF's birthday on Thursday and he had decided to celebrate on Friday evening as he had work on Friday. He had 5 beers at home, and bought another 6 pack after picking up his daughters from school. He proceeded to drink all 11 beers and wanted more. He drove (yes drunk) with his youngest in the car, to the corner bottle shop for more beer. He had an argument with his oldest (14) as she'd told him he'd had enough. He screamed at her to tell her she was no longer welcome at his house. She responded by calling her mother who drove over to pick her up. During the wait, the oldest was not allowed in the house and had to sit outside in the dark and cold (it's winter here in Australia). When her mother got to my EXABF's house, both the children decided to go home.

When I heard all this, I burst into tears. The 11 year old was telling me it was ok, it's not my fault and that they were ok. But I kept crying because he is transferring the rage and abuse that he used to hurl at me onto his children. I cried because it is just a horrible situation that they are in and I can do nothing about it. I cried because they say things like "He only does this when he's drunk, he doesn't mean it".

But most of all, I cried in relief. Relief that I am no longer in that situation. Relief that I escaped. Relief that I no longer have to worry about being subjected to this abuse and behaviour.

I have talked to the children's mother, but she is as scared of him as I am and is unwilling to try and prevent him from seeing his children. Not to mention the fact that he apologizes the next day and the children forgive him, just as I used to do.

It's days like this that make me feel so thankful that I found SR and found the courage to leave. But it also makes me feel incredibly sad about the tragic situation with the children.

Thank you for letting me just get all of that out.

ETA: I re-read all this and I hope it doesn't make me sound too selfish :/

CodeJob

No it is absolutely not selfish to have that sense of relief.

Hugs Miss Beth.

FeelingGreat

You made a good decision Miss Beth. I feel for the children, but it's their mother's role to step up for them.

huntingtontx

You are out of it, and that is a good thing. I hope the mother does something to protect the children. This makes me sad. I feel your sadness.

atalose

Please don't own HIS rage. Wether it's his ex wife, you, the next GF, a co-worker, a neighbor or his own children that rage is him, it's a part of who he is.

If these children's own mother are wiling to continue to put HER children into that situation then that is HER'S to own.

It's good you are able to be there to listen to the kids, they certainly need someone on the outside because they certainly can't count on the ones on the inside of this dysfunctional family.

Be thankful you found the strength to leave, be the healthy example for these girls, they need that.

****{hugs}}}

SeriousKarma

MissBeth, you don't sound selfish at all. You sound like someone who did what you had to do to survive.

IMO, you are showing those daughters an example of a woman who refused to take a man's abuse any longer. I truly believe that will register with them. Especially if you back it up with loving respect, which it sounds like you did.

Drinking and driving with or without children, leaving children outside in the cold, certainly those actions are as illegal in Australia as they are here in the US. Have you considered reporting him? Although you are out of a relationship with him, you should be documenting his actions. The mother may need it if she wants to pursue action.

Again, please don't feel selfish. It never was your job to be his punching bag (literal or figurative) to save those girls. No man needs a punching bag, and your wrong to think you could have saved them from his actions anyway.

dandylion

MissBeth.....what are the child protection laws in Australia? I suspect that there are some.....but, I don't know if they operate anything like here, in the U.S. (I'm finding that so many thing operate differently than what I am used to, here).

If I were in your same shoes....here...I would report the abuse to the authorities (my identity would be protected).

I am so glad that you are there and able to talk to the girls. To me...it is basic social responsibility to care for the young and helpless. I don't think that we should pass a blind eye on child abuse.

dandylion

pakman

Reading stories like this gives me more reasons to stop being like the OP's EXABF. In that way, I'm very thankful for this post. MissBeth, I'm sorry for your pain and I'm sorry that I don't have wise words for you. I ended up putting myself in your EXABF's shoes. I feel a little selfish for it.

pakman

SeriousKarma

I don't like the way I worded this. What I meant is that his alcoholism is going to have a negative effect on his daughters regardless of whether you stayed or went.

For what it's worth, I do think you should report him.

readerbaby71

Have you considered calling children and youth services in your area? Those kids are in danger and their mom won't do anything about it. You can do it anonymously and at least someone outside the family will be aware of the situation. I'm glad you've removed yourself. xo

LifeRecovery

MissBeth-

One of the biggest lessons I have learned on this journey is

Self-Care does not = Selfish, ever.

huntingtontx

I love this statement. Very powerful. I totally agree.

jarp

I agree with everyone else. I feel really sad for those girls, and it is good that they feel they can talk to you still. And you ARE. A role model...they will be able to see that this is NOT something women have to automatically put up with.

You could try reporting it to your state human services, but I personally doubt they'll pay much attention. But at least there would be a record so if there are other reports it Might trigger some sort of investigation.

Child protection isn't particularly concerned by parents having substance abuse issues and we have a political history which has resulted in the leaning of policies to the rights of birth parents at all costs. Those two things mean that our CP understands that addiction plays into neglect and FV but they need to see significant neglect and abuse before they'll act. 'Just' being an alcoholic isn't enough.

NWGRITS

So in other words, kids are about as SOL in Australia as they are in the US. And here I was thinking we were the only ones doing it wrong.

Those girls are lucky to have you. Yes, in time they will realize that someone did care enough to want the best for them. There may be some anger, but if they stay around good people, they'll see that you were powerless to stop it (just speaking from experience here). I've found that these kids tend to gravitate toward the light, and you are their light right now. I'm not saying you can save them, but you can provide them with a safe place to talk in the midst of chaos. And that is priceless. Thank you.