Forcing himself not to drink?
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Forcing himself not to drink?
So separated ah told me on Thursday that he is forcing himself not to drink during the week and is only drinking at the weekend which turns out to be a Saturday. So I suppose I'm wondering is he an alcoholic if he can not drink during the week and only at the weekends actually 1 day. I know he wasn't drinking last night and he won't drink tomorrow as he is collecting DS from an event.
Maybe it was me maybe he was just so unhappy at home and he has used wanting to drink as an excuse rather than be honest.
I'm sorry I have tortured you all for months when he doesn't have a problem.
Maybe it was me maybe he was just so unhappy at home and he has used wanting to drink as an excuse rather than be honest.
I'm sorry I have tortured you all for months when he doesn't have a problem.
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Not all alcoholics drink 24/7. People who don't have a problem with alcohol don't "force" themselves to drink on certain days or obsess over when they can drink. I forced myself plenty of times not to drink during the week.
You haven't tortured any of us. The bottom line is that his drinking bothers you and it is affecting you in a negative way. That is good enough for me.
You haven't tortured any of us. The bottom line is that his drinking bothers you and it is affecting you in a negative way. That is good enough for me.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: OREGON
Posts: 228
My first question to myself when reading this was... and how long will that last? My second question was, and who forces someone to drink because they are so unhappy? No, that is his choice, instead of coping with whatever issue might be at hand, to drink. I think that is really what it is most of the time.... not always, but I think most of the time. How many times have we been angry or upset, and had to really sort things through in our lives or just for that moment? Many! However, we don't want to numb anything or run from anything or cover it momentarily with whatever that might be. We have to face it.
Don't start second guessing yourself. I am sure many of us here has seen our loved ones do or say the same thing that he is saying.
Hugs....
Don't start second guessing yourself. I am sure many of us here has seen our loved ones do or say the same thing that he is saying.
Hugs....
Guest
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: over there
Posts: 253
He does have a problem Butterfly. It's likely you are being lied too as well ((hugs)) I sometimes have a drink on a weekend. I don't have to force myself not to during week. I don't think about it. Neither do I think ooh goody it's Saturday night, I'll get blotto. I think any fixation, be it forcing themselves to cut back, drinking on certain days no matter, what is a sign of a problem. If I had a £ every time my x had said "Starting from tonight I won't drink Monday - Thursday."( always said on a Friday btw) I'd be a rich woman and he never managed it..not once. He lied and said he had but I found the empties.
Also if my x became sober I'd not want him back. The damage is done. There's nothing left. I think it's codie to think if I had tried harder with him, given him more chances, feeling guilty cos he seems to be making a token effort,wondering if it is all in my head, being satisfied with crumbs and turning the problem inwards to yourself.. Stop beating yourself up and remember your own sign off - it's very true xx
Also if my x became sober I'd not want him back. The damage is done. There's nothing left. I think it's codie to think if I had tried harder with him, given him more chances, feeling guilty cos he seems to be making a token effort,wondering if it is all in my head, being satisfied with crumbs and turning the problem inwards to yourself.. Stop beating yourself up and remember your own sign off - it's very true xx
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
Been there done that. These are the things mine tried because he "really didn't have a PROBLEM per say, he just needed to get control over it"
1. No cases of beer anymore - only 12 packs-fail
2. no 12 packs anymore - only 6 packs - fail
3. no 6 packs anymore - only a 40 ounce - fail
4. only on the weekends - not during the week - fail.
5. 12 packs are back, but only on the weekends - to last all weekend not just one night - fail.
6. Keeping the beer downstairs in the basement so it's "harder to get to" and it won't be so "readily available to him" - he'd have to go allll the way downstairs if he wanted another beer - fail.
7. no drinking at all - he's done - can do it himself - doesn't need AA - lasted almost 3 months - FAIL. Once he had a drink on vacation, he was back at it full force.
8. drinking getting so out of control - behavior getting more aggressive, one night he smashed up the living room, threw water on me, called me all kinds of names, followed me around the house bullying me. Things he had never done and swore he would never do. yet. yet. yet.
Sure it is an awful lot of effort for someone that didn't really have a problem.
What I had found after rehab - he had it hidden everywhere. He was drinking way more than I saw. he had a show 12 pack or 6 pack and he had more hidden and he would just merge it in so I would think he was on the same 12 pack.
Don't fall for it.
1. No cases of beer anymore - only 12 packs-fail
2. no 12 packs anymore - only 6 packs - fail
3. no 6 packs anymore - only a 40 ounce - fail
4. only on the weekends - not during the week - fail.
5. 12 packs are back, but only on the weekends - to last all weekend not just one night - fail.
6. Keeping the beer downstairs in the basement so it's "harder to get to" and it won't be so "readily available to him" - he'd have to go allll the way downstairs if he wanted another beer - fail.
7. no drinking at all - he's done - can do it himself - doesn't need AA - lasted almost 3 months - FAIL. Once he had a drink on vacation, he was back at it full force.
8. drinking getting so out of control - behavior getting more aggressive, one night he smashed up the living room, threw water on me, called me all kinds of names, followed me around the house bullying me. Things he had never done and swore he would never do. yet. yet. yet.
Sure it is an awful lot of effort for someone that didn't really have a problem.
What I had found after rehab - he had it hidden everywhere. He was drinking way more than I saw. he had a show 12 pack or 6 pack and he had more hidden and he would just merge it in so I would think he was on the same 12 pack.
Don't fall for it.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by meggem 
Been there done that. These are the things mine tried because he "really didn't have a PROBLEM per say, he just needed to get control over it"
Interesting that he's actually making an effort though, and not because you're forcing him. The reason he left you was so he could drink when he felt like it, and now he's trying to limit himself. Who knows? It might be the first step in admitting he has a problem he can't control without help.
As far as your situation goes, nothing changes because he's still drinking.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Butterfly....I can't really say it much better than FeelingGreat just did.
You are second guessing yourself and you are grabbing for straws in the the process.
Actions and behaviors over the long term is what really counts, anyway. Talk is cheap.
If you are no contact.....where is all this "talking" coming from?
dandylion
You are second guessing yourself and you are grabbing for straws in the the process.
Actions and behaviors over the long term is what really counts, anyway. Talk is cheap.
If you are no contact.....where is all this "talking" coming from?
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Oh he's an alcoholic all right.
Normies don't force themselves to not drink. How many times have you forced yourself not to drink? Never? Yeah, me either. That's because I'm not an alcoholic either.
Normies don't force themselves to not drink. How many times have you forced yourself not to drink? Never? Yeah, me either. That's because I'm not an alcoholic either.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 494
"Forcing himself not to drink" - yes he has a problem. Are you forcing yourself NOT to do something right now?
Good list, let me add:
9. Two regular-size bottles of wine, one for each night to 'last the weekend' - fail
10. One 2-L bottle plenty big enough to 'last the weekend' - fail
11. Four-packs of the little single-serve bottles of wine to ration himself to one or two per night. - fail
Originally Posted by meggem
1. No cases of beer anymore - only 12 packs-fail
2. no 12 packs anymore - only 6 packs - fail
3. no 6 packs anymore - only a 40 ounce - fail
4. only on the weekends - not during the week - fail.
5. 12 packs are back, but only on the weekends - to last all weekend not just one night - fail.
6. Keeping the beer downstairs in the basement so it's "harder to get to" and it won't be so "readily available to him" - he'd have to go allll the way downstairs if he wanted another beer - fail.
7. no drinking at all - he's done - can do it himself - doesn't need AA - lasted almost 3 months - FAIL. Once he had a drink on vacation, he was back at it full force.
8. drinking getting so out of control - behavior getting more aggressive, one night he smashed up the living room, threw water on me, called me all kinds of names, followed me around the house bullying me. Things he had never done and swore he would never do. yet. yet. yet.
2. no 12 packs anymore - only 6 packs - fail
3. no 6 packs anymore - only a 40 ounce - fail
4. only on the weekends - not during the week - fail.
5. 12 packs are back, but only on the weekends - to last all weekend not just one night - fail.
6. Keeping the beer downstairs in the basement so it's "harder to get to" and it won't be so "readily available to him" - he'd have to go allll the way downstairs if he wanted another beer - fail.
7. no drinking at all - he's done - can do it himself - doesn't need AA - lasted almost 3 months - FAIL. Once he had a drink on vacation, he was back at it full force.
8. drinking getting so out of control - behavior getting more aggressive, one night he smashed up the living room, threw water on me, called me all kinds of names, followed me around the house bullying me. Things he had never done and swore he would never do. yet. yet. yet.
9. Two regular-size bottles of wine, one for each night to 'last the weekend' - fail
10. One 2-L bottle plenty big enough to 'last the weekend' - fail
11. Four-packs of the little single-serve bottles of wine to ration himself to one or two per night. - fail
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: AZ
Posts: 309
Originally Posted by meggem
Been there done that. These are the things mine tried because he "really didn't have a PROBLEM per say, he just needed to get control over it"
1. No cases of beer anymore - only 12 packs-fail
2. no 12 packs anymore - only 6 packs - fail
3. no 6 packs anymore - only a 40 ounce - fail
4. only on the weekends - not during the week - fail.
5. 12 packs are back, but only on the weekends - to last all weekend not just one night - fail.
6. Keeping the beer downstairs in the basement so it's "harder to get to" and it won't be so "readily available to him" - he'd have to go allll the way downstairs if he wanted another beer - fail.
7. no drinking at all - he's done - can do it himself - doesn't need AA - lasted almost 3 months - FAIL. Once he had a drink on vacation, he was back at it full force.
8. drinking getting so out of control - behavior getting more aggressive, one night he smashed up the living room, threw water on me, called me all kinds of names, followed me around the house bullying me. Things he had never done and swore he would never do. yet. yet. yet.
Sure it is an awful lot of effort for someone that didn't really have a problem.
What I had found after rehab - he had it hidden everywhere. He was drinking way more than I saw. he had a show 12 pack or 6 pack and he had more hidden and he would just merge it in so I would think he was on the same 12 pack.
Don't fall for it.
1. No cases of beer anymore - only 12 packs-fail
2. no 12 packs anymore - only 6 packs - fail
3. no 6 packs anymore - only a 40 ounce - fail
4. only on the weekends - not during the week - fail.
5. 12 packs are back, but only on the weekends - to last all weekend not just one night - fail.
6. Keeping the beer downstairs in the basement so it's "harder to get to" and it won't be so "readily available to him" - he'd have to go allll the way downstairs if he wanted another beer - fail.
7. no drinking at all - he's done - can do it himself - doesn't need AA - lasted almost 3 months - FAIL. Once he had a drink on vacation, he was back at it full force.
8. drinking getting so out of control - behavior getting more aggressive, one night he smashed up the living room, threw water on me, called me all kinds of names, followed me around the house bullying me. Things he had never done and swore he would never do. yet. yet. yet.
Sure it is an awful lot of effort for someone that didn't really have a problem.
What I had found after rehab - he had it hidden everywhere. He was drinking way more than I saw. he had a show 12 pack or 6 pack and he had more hidden and he would just merge it in so I would think he was on the same 12 pack.
Don't fall for it.
Butterfly, sorry, but I have to call the BS card on this. My AH did not drink daily, but he was/is still an alcoholic. Even now that his DOC is not booze, he wants to be able to have a beer once.in a while. The writing is on the wall with that one. Yay me!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Okay. I am an alcoholic and I've tried every little moderation trick in the book. All ya'll's lists and then added some more of my own.
97. Keep track of drinks with matchsticks. Works great till that sixth drink. *Wait, was that six? Or was that seven? Oh, well.*
98. Use a shot glass. *...and a little splash extra - like two more ounces*
104. Don't drink before five o'clock. *It's five o'clock somewhere*
163. Don't drink for a couple weeks. *There I've proved I don't have problem. Where's the tequila?...to celebrate that I don't have a problem*
166. Don't drink while out, that way I won't drive under the influence. *Well, that's just not doable.*
Butterfly, get out of his head.
This is about you.
Why are you still talking to him????????
Do you see yourself in any of our lists???
HE is your DOC (drug of choice).
97. Keep track of drinks with matchsticks. Works great till that sixth drink. *Wait, was that six? Or was that seven? Oh, well.*
98. Use a shot glass. *...and a little splash extra - like two more ounces*
104. Don't drink before five o'clock. *It's five o'clock somewhere*
163. Don't drink for a couple weeks. *There I've proved I don't have problem. Where's the tequila?...to celebrate that I don't have a problem*
166. Don't drink while out, that way I won't drive under the influence. *Well, that's just not doable.*
Butterfly, get out of his head.
This is about you.
Why are you still talking to him????????
Do you see yourself in any of our lists???
HE is your DOC (drug of choice).
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 113
When I got sober 4 1/2 years ago it wasn't a matter of force. I hit my bottom and knew in my heart, brain, arms, legs, and eyeballs I was done drinking and I didn't have to force myself to not drink at certain times. I just didn't want to drink anymore. It then became a matter of how to make better lifestyle choices for me and to start taking care of myself.
It didn't matter what anyone said or did about my drinking. Until I had a seizure and realized my body was giving up on me did I realize ok this isn't good for me anymore. It was quite an awakening but once I realized the harm I was causing it became a pretty easy decision. Also I didn't have to tell anyone I was changing or how, I just did it, and the results were obvious to everyone.
P.S. I tried all the tricks in the book too. It never works when you apply rules and then force it, the rules consume your mind and then eventually you drink again.
It didn't matter what anyone said or did about my drinking. Until I had a seizure and realized my body was giving up on me did I realize ok this isn't good for me anymore. It was quite an awakening but once I realized the harm I was causing it became a pretty easy decision. Also I didn't have to tell anyone I was changing or how, I just did it, and the results were obvious to everyone.
P.S. I tried all the tricks in the book too. It never works when you apply rules and then force it, the rules consume your mind and then eventually you drink again.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 1,303
Butterfly we are here for you but I am concerned...he's quacking big time!!!
Do you really want to go back to a relationship where you are not his biggest love? Where you get back on that crazy train/elevator that only goes down in the end?
You were getting so much stronger...
Keep posting because no matter what we are here for you if you need us?
Do you really want to go back to a relationship where you are not his biggest love? Where you get back on that crazy train/elevator that only goes down in the end?
You were getting so much stronger...
Keep posting because no matter what we are here for you if you need us?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
When an alcoholic drinks again we say they "fell off the wagon".
What's it called when we codies fall back into old patterns? "Hopping back on the Crazy train"?
Butterfly, hon, You know he's an alcoholic. Where is this coming from?
(((((( hugs ))))))
What's it called when we codies fall back into old patterns? "Hopping back on the Crazy train"?
Butterfly, hon, You know he's an alcoholic. Where is this coming from?
(((((( hugs ))))))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I'm a recovering alcoholic. Alcoholics can certainly not drink. The reason I call myself an alcocholic is once I pick up a drink I can't stop.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease and your husband will get worse if he continues to drink.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease and your husband will get worse if he continues to drink.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Normal people don't "Force" themselves to not drink on certain days. We just don't drink, it's not a conscious thought/decision/effort. And we don't automatically drink because it's Saturday. He is exhibiting TRUE alcoholic behavior. He thinks he can moderate (he can't) or control (he can't). He hasn't accepted or surrendered to his disease.
You have no part in his decisions. Remember the 3 C's. You didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. He drinks because he's an alcoholic, not because of anything that you may have said or done. Don't let yourself get caught up in that quackery.
You have no part in his decisions. Remember the 3 C's. You didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. He drinks because he's an alcoholic, not because of anything that you may have said or done. Don't let yourself get caught up in that quackery.
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Thank you everyone sorry I haven't responded sooner I really needed some time to gather myself. My mood has really hit rock bottom. When he tells me things like that I automatically think he's controlling it, he doesn't have a problem it was all in my head the issue is me! It's easier to understand rather than he's prepared to walk out to drink!!
He was here today as we needed to sort a few things out regarding dd who has been telling me one thing and her dad something completely different several times and as we weren't talking she wasn't being caught out until we went to school to collect DS results!! once we had that sorted the issue came back to us.
He told me that before he left the guilt and shame of what he was putting me through was driving him to the point where he wanted to 'top himself' as that would be easier for everyone and how because he couldn't drink in the house but wanted to drink he was putting himself at risk by driving etc! He told me this a few years ago aswell just before he left that time as my anxiety regarding his new association with old friends was making him so unhappy.
I looked at him today as he told me all this and told me that it's not that he doesn't want to be at home, he can't as he will not continue to put me and the kids through his drinking and his behaviour, he said he loves me and his feelings hasn't changed and how at times he wants his life with me and others he knows it can't be. He wants to be on his own to do what he wants, to drink when he wants, all the things he has said before and doesn't understand any of it. He admitted that living with his mum restricts his drinking which is why he goes to bed early during the week! He admits to wanting to block it all out and is waiting for an appiffeny!! He is so lost and I think I realised that today and although I want to help him I can't. My heart broke for him drinking has and is ruining his life and he's not willing or can't to do anything about it.
He spoke about going out to friends at the weekends but that's as he's living with his mum and when he moves to be on his own he won't have to go anywhere or see anyone. I recently read an article about how addiction can lead to isolation and how that can progress it further or a maybe that is the progression??
I'm not sure if everything he said was quacking and trying to keep me hooked??
I do see him in the lists that have been written, over our relationship it's been if I keep it to this amount of beer/cider I'm ok, il only drink at the weekend, I can control my drinking I don't need any help, this time it will be different, I know I have a problem, I don't have a problem and on and on.
Thankfully as he lives with his mum if he drinks tomorrow she will contact me but Sunday is generally his recovery day preparing for his return to work on Monday! He may have drove himself while drunk but he never drove the kids.
He's lost, I'm lost yes I love him, yes I want him home and for our marriage to work but not if he's actively drinking and won't seek help and I have said that to him so he is clear on that. At the minute I just want to give up I am so tired of it all I'm exhausted.
Sorry for the long post and thank you for your responses.
He was here today as we needed to sort a few things out regarding dd who has been telling me one thing and her dad something completely different several times and as we weren't talking she wasn't being caught out until we went to school to collect DS results!! once we had that sorted the issue came back to us.
He told me that before he left the guilt and shame of what he was putting me through was driving him to the point where he wanted to 'top himself' as that would be easier for everyone and how because he couldn't drink in the house but wanted to drink he was putting himself at risk by driving etc! He told me this a few years ago aswell just before he left that time as my anxiety regarding his new association with old friends was making him so unhappy.
I looked at him today as he told me all this and told me that it's not that he doesn't want to be at home, he can't as he will not continue to put me and the kids through his drinking and his behaviour, he said he loves me and his feelings hasn't changed and how at times he wants his life with me and others he knows it can't be. He wants to be on his own to do what he wants, to drink when he wants, all the things he has said before and doesn't understand any of it. He admitted that living with his mum restricts his drinking which is why he goes to bed early during the week! He admits to wanting to block it all out and is waiting for an appiffeny!! He is so lost and I think I realised that today and although I want to help him I can't. My heart broke for him drinking has and is ruining his life and he's not willing or can't to do anything about it.
He spoke about going out to friends at the weekends but that's as he's living with his mum and when he moves to be on his own he won't have to go anywhere or see anyone. I recently read an article about how addiction can lead to isolation and how that can progress it further or a maybe that is the progression??
I'm not sure if everything he said was quacking and trying to keep me hooked??
I do see him in the lists that have been written, over our relationship it's been if I keep it to this amount of beer/cider I'm ok, il only drink at the weekend, I can control my drinking I don't need any help, this time it will be different, I know I have a problem, I don't have a problem and on and on.
Thankfully as he lives with his mum if he drinks tomorrow she will contact me but Sunday is generally his recovery day preparing for his return to work on Monday! He may have drove himself while drunk but he never drove the kids.
He's lost, I'm lost yes I love him, yes I want him home and for our marriage to work but not if he's actively drinking and won't seek help and I have said that to him so he is clear on that. At the minute I just want to give up I am so tired of it all I'm exhausted.
Sorry for the long post and thank you for your responses.
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