Marcinor

Last couple of days have been better ones for me. I'm letting go, working on my control issues, went to my first al-anon meeting last night. The only problem is I feel like I'm living in a cloudy world. Nothing tastes as good, I'm not crying all the time but I'm certainly not happy. I used to dance in my kitchen and now I forget to turn the music on.

I'm still running and doing the normal things, but it's just all subdued. Maybe it's stress about school or the talk that I know I have to have with my SO later this week. I really want my old self back. I feel like this disease has taken everything from me bit by bit and the odd part is I didn't even see it happening. I just felt terrible all the time. I guess I should be happy that I don't feel as angry and sad but is feeling nothing better?

Any advice?????

Teggie

((( Marcinor))) omg how I feel your words. I go through the same thing almost every day. Sometimes I feel better, other times worse. And when I do feel better I wonder why esp if it concerns my AO. Like you, the anger is fading some but I do feel numb too. Like kinda detached, nearly like I'm watching some things from a distance. Maybye we are working so hard to detach from our AO's that we are detaching from more than just the addiction related problems. Maybye we are detaching a bit from ourselves too. I think maybye it's a defensive mechanism we've put up to protect ourselves, because we have been hurt so badly that we'd rather die than go through that ever again. I hope I'm making sense. We're probebly depressed too on top of it all, after all who would'nt be depressed after going through what we have? But we post here and we are still trying to help ourselves and each other. I think we'll get better as time goes by, I have to tell myself every day that recovery is a slow process. What you said about dancing in the kitchen really hit home with me. I used to do that alot and after reading your post I realized I haven't done that in a loooong time. Hey, I tell you what, next time we have chances, lets turn on the tunes and make ourselves dance in the kitchen, lol. Lets make that a priority in an effort to regain ourselves. You with me? Heck everyone that reads this post...you are hereby ordered to dance in the kitchen! Lets take our lives back. I'm so glad you posted this. Hugs to you my fellow sister in pain and recovery. Teggie

Magichappens

Marci,
Give it time. Going through the motions will put you in a better place. The hurt isn't as fresh, but the heart takes time and care to heal. Keep going to your meetings, reading, and posting here. The clouds will start clearing up. Be gentle with yourself. Our expectations of our self are way higher than anyone else. You are where you are supposed to be. Be glad that the hurt is subsiding. Don't beat yourself up because you aren't perfectly ok. Self acceptance is the first step to self love. Do one thing to pamper yourself today. Take a bubble bath or give yourself a pedicure. Learn to treat yourself well. Hugs, Magic

Marcinor

Teggie thank you so much! I'm going to make it a priority to dance in the kitchen! My eyes teared up as I read what you wrote - I guess that means I'm not completely void of emotions!
You are probably right that I'm detaching a little from everything as a defense to all the emotions I have felt in the past few months. I really appreciate this place because I feel free to say what I'm feeling, which is a change from the real world where I'm constantly guarding my secret. Not that people don't know he hurt me and acted badly but they don't know why or how it feels to walk in this skin. I even stopped talking to my friends about it, because they shouldn't have to walk down this path too and they don't understand what it's like. To them it's as simple as not answering the phone when he calls and telling him not to communicate with me. If only it was so simple. But concentrating on me, and my problems with saying no, and trying not control his behavior has really helped me begin to feel better. It's just hard.

Magic- thank you, maybe I'll treat myself to a movie and an ice cream cone tonight while I'm dancing in my kitchen!

Marci