I'm really bad at thread titles but could you please read this??
 

I think I need some help getting my head straight. I feel a slippery slope coming on.

So – him and I were exchanging ridiculous text message for HOURS yesterday morning about him seeing DD on her first day of K. I was against it (big day, full day, first day, too much) and I proposed a gazillion other times (day before, 3 days after, come see her get on the bus, etc.), all of which of course, did not work for him. When I threatened lawyer for the ridiculousness suddenly, his schedule opened up.

I ended up giving in and letting him see her on the first day of school because I could see his point of view I guess.

But we ended up on the phone about it because I couldn’t deal with the sound of my text dinger going off 8 hundred times. The conversation almost went well, then nosedived, then almost went well, then nosedived. Then nosedived, then nosedived again. Then I hung up on him. Then I called him back. Then he didn’t answer. Then I felt obsessive.

Then later on, he called the girls to say goodnight and I ended up on the phone with him again.

My brain started saying things like “why don’t you just have him over on the first day of K – instead of her being shipped all over” - weird things like that were entering my mind. Then I would think – what the heck are you thinking what is happening to you. I can NOT have him step FOOT in my house.

He is getting a dumpster, he’s paying for it – and invited me to use it (more like demanded a time frame of me getting the rest of my things out or he will trash them so I guess he didn’t really offer me to share the dumpster)– I had a thought of texting him and asking how much it is, that I will split it – then I was like – no. I had to buy a,b,c for DD for school – I am paying their daycare. NO.

The house is under contract – we won’t make much at all – another thought was – tell me he can just keep the profit (so small – like $700.00)

What is happening to me? Why am I feeling “nice”

I have been down this slope too, you will regret it if you do these things, I promise.

I paid $500 towards my X's student loan w/out even telling him b/c I did not want him to have to deal with it (then I would have to hear about it even though it's nothing on me). This was just a month or so ago!! As soon as I submitted payment I regretted it.

I was in a fairly good place financially but this month has had lots of unexpected expenses. I sure wish I had my $500 bucks back.

I get the answering the phone due to not wanting to hear the text too, but truly, don't do that either. You don't do yourself any favors. Say what you mean and mean what you say. If you are all wishy washy and give in on stuff he will use it to manipulate you, I PROMISE.

Stay the course. Recognize this as a weak moment, learn from it, and move on.

Said from someone who has learned the hard way.

Hugs. It's hard and sometimes I am guessing you lose sight of this, but you are doing fantastic!!!

XXX

thanks.. Is this codependency on my part? My slip in thought? what is it? you guys are so well spoken about it. I want to learn. I know alot about it but you all articulate it so well. Alot of you are like books!

I guess I started to entertain entertaining the idea that he could be "normal"?

Hi kiddo don't do it hold tight to the kids and you and push out and forward.. you can do .it.. I had a problem like that it just got worse never better. trust me.. and move on. please .. prayers and hugs a Mom.. ardy:react

Meg - it could be that you're just SO USED to problem solving that you instinctively just feel like you SHOULD be doing more. It's like the Codie fight-or-flight reflex, lol. We find ways to keep trying to make things easier, smoother, better because we CAN & because what seems like a small, manageable task to us is a big obstacle to less healthy people around us. Just like he got used to you doing FOR him, you got used TO DOING for him, kwim?

Could also be that you just want to be DONE & be able to walk away at this point & are willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen asap.

I would examine my motives/emotions that are driving my need to "do" & chew on that mentally for a while. When you figure out what "drives" it (fear, obligation, control) you'll be closer to understanding why you do it & how to change that reaction for yourself if it's something you think requires changing. JMHO!

Meggem, stay very level headed about money or you will regret it. As soon as he forms another relationship and moves on and someone else is getting the benefit of your generosity, you'll see what I mean.
This happened to me, and not in a bitter divorce, but suddenly I realised he was getting on with his life, and anything I 'gifted' him out of misplaced kindness would contribute to a life I had no part of.

It helped me immensely to research the abuse cycle. What you are feeling and doing is classic. It takes awhile to jump out of the cycle. I found that when I started "feeling sorry for him" and feeling the compulsion to reach out and react, it meant I was supposed to sit on my hands and do NOTHING. Bow out of interacting.

FOG: Fear, Obligation, Guilt.

:dee

For myself, I do think my behavior was codependent. Just because I have had extensive education and therapy on this subject does not mean I don't slip, I definitely still do. Not still with my X as much, but with other people too. I know part of it is in my personality makeup so I know I am always walking a tight line and have to pay attention and really think out my actions and words.

He is not "normal." Go back and read your prior entries. It's easy to forget that when they act normal for a bit, but look at the actions over the past long term, that is who he is.

You are making huge progress in your own life, it's important to recognize and celebrate that!

XXX Much Love!

No need to psychoanalyze it all, or be hard on yourself. A lot of us struggle at being more assertive and it sounds like what you are trying to do to. There are bound to be mistakes along the way. As for the texting, yes that is part of codependency. I used to engage in that type of communicating too for a very long time. You can't control what he says to you, but you can choose how to respond.

Always try to make decisions YOU can live with. Sometimes, it takes time to come to know what that is. I've been know to more than once say, "I'll get back to you tomorrow, I need to sleep on it." (My boss hates it when I say that, but she knows it's the truth!). Unfortunately texting has created a society that feels answers are needed NOW. But unless something is a matter of life or death, it can wait. Give yourself time to breathe. You'll feel better and will make better decisions.

Bravo to allysen! Isn't that the truth!? Due to texting we now feel obligated to answer at all hours of the day or night. It has robbed us of being able to think about what we are going to say unless we just....wait. Great point!

Ladies you know when your X is really your X when the dummy has no idea who you are anymore.. scared mine silly acouple of years ago... he is now 67 to my 64. hahahah we were at the fair. my hubby Ed saw Dean first. hey isn't that .. I bopped in that direction with our Daughter Melanie.. to say Hi it has been what 30 years.. he had no idea who I was. looked at the new wife.. well babe that gives you a heads up married to the nut for 12 years 4 children one right here sex like crazy.. and 4 years in divorce and he is lost ... all of a sudden his eyes light up OH OH OH .. Melanie still laughs so hard.. she told me later that weekend they were at dinner and Dean went on for an hour on my cooking. Melanie finially said Dad shut up and eat your soup.. Mom had nothing to do with it your safe. hahaahahaha I have 3 very Healthy happy adult kids . hahahahaha

yes allysen that is such a GOOD point about the texting! and bullfrong you really peaked my interest about my feelings being classic for abuse. I googled a little and saw a lot of commonalities in what I was reading. I thought his behavior was/is dry drunk-he has been abusive - verbally and physically (he never "beat" me, not that it matters) but the physical intimidation, grabbing keys and phones, smashing what is around him - throwing non weighted items at me, arm grabbing and all of that. It also makes me wonder, was I in an alcoholic marriage, or an abusive marriage? Both? Does it matter? I feel like it matters to me. I need to know "where I came from"

Who am I?!

I need to know how to help myself. I know I am trailing off from my original post... I don't feel as hateful towards him since I spoke to him. Even though he said crappy things, I heard his voice. Firesprite you may be onto something about what I am used to. I wonder if hearing his voice triggered something.

I banned texting. Seriously. It's too reactionary and imo a cowardly way to communicate. My family used it for everything , even reporting really bad news. My dad used it to argue with me, my exah thought he could start using it too but I absolutely refuse to answer texts of any sort unless they are from trademen's telling me what time they are arriving or day to day stuff like that. I just turn off notifications so I can't hear the ding. Funnily enough exah is not interested in phone calls so it's peaceful around here now.

I have found the posts and blog by Kellie Jo Holly on Healthy Place to be very helpful to define what I was going through.

I also want to add: I was in an alcoholic marriage, but it was emotionally abusive from the beginning, way before the addiction came into the picture. The addiction sent it into overdrive and that's when it also became physically abusive.