I asked RAH for a separation last night
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Join Date: May 2012
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I asked RAH for a separation last night
And I'm kind of all over the map today, mentally. But I need to post about it because it feels really surreal right now, like I'm in a waking dream.
I don't believe that he has relapsed, but I've been pink-flagging some signs of a relapse of behaviors over the last few months & last night something idiotic just sent me over the edge into RED FLAG ZONE. Mostly I feel like he compulsively "white lies" but doesn't see it as such & with such a difference in that basic principle of living, it's just not tolerable for me any longer. And if he's willing to lie over small, seemingly insignificant BS, what else is out there waiting to drop with the next shoe?
I'm not trying to discount the leaps & bounds he has come in recovery, because I believe he has had REAL progress..... but I am at a point, I think, where I have to acknowledge that maybe the way he is working through his recovery works for him but it's not enough to fix US. I also think it's possible that the difference *this time* is that my recovery is strong enough to catch this at the beginning of his (long) cycle, rather than in the middle/end stages.... that what I'm seeing now is the stuff I never caught before because it's so subtle & his cycles can be so long.
Maybe he's being Honest Abe and I'm overanalyzing, but it doesn't feel that way. Maybe this is a case of The Boy Who Cried Wolf & I'm way off base. Either way I have to trust that more will be revealed in time.
Right now I am tired of retracing certain steps over & again because of his stubbornness in his own path. I've done everything that I can to mitigate my exposure to damage, stay on my side of the street, etc. but some crap just can't be ignored when you share a household. I'm still impacted at times far more than *I* want to be considering my limits of control over making changes for something that doesn't belong to me, kwim?
Financially I debated this all night but since I'm the breadwinner by far, it seems like no matter what I can't be worse off without him there. I will have some thinking to do in terms of long-term stuff like the mortgage & other debts, but it seems like if I'm managing now with minimal help at best, I should manage fine without that help & all the extra expense drain that comes along with it.
But my heart is breaking, I wont lie. I still love my husband very, very much. Just yesterday we started our day with tickle fights & big smiles..... I had no clue I would be feeling a complete 180 in less than 24 hours.
I have been rolling this around in my head for a few months, just laying back & observing & filing away info as it presents. Last night my gut just stood up & said, "Enough." It was difficult to be the one to initiate the idea & mean it & not have it as a result of a HUGE event. I think that has shocked & stunned him - he's refusing to answer my calls or texts at this point.
And after I told him I wanted to discuss separation, I logged into an app I have on my phone that gives me daily inspirational thoughts. It said, "Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." And I knew that was my HP (or maybe even his, lol) telling me I was right, that it is time for action.
I've given him A LOT of time to make actionable changes. Unfortunately he only started making legit, substantial changes about 9 months ago & after about 7 yrs of actively supporting him I just don't have the patience left to keep waiting for him to catch up on his own terms. I'm also not about to start levying ultimatums in order to get MY way. And who knows? Maybe this is what HE needs to progress to the next stage of his recovery too. Maybe we're holding each other back at this point, enabling each other through mutual obligation.
I just need to get through the next 6 hours at my desk & then I can have a good cry & work through more of this over the weekend. I haven't said anything to DD, I'm trying to get him to sit down & talk to me like an adult before saying anything to anyone but I have no clue how long he's going to avoid me. No idea if he's at work this morning or if he's angry enough to have circled back home to pack his crap like a rebellious teen while I'm working today.
I don't believe that he has relapsed, but I've been pink-flagging some signs of a relapse of behaviors over the last few months & last night something idiotic just sent me over the edge into RED FLAG ZONE. Mostly I feel like he compulsively "white lies" but doesn't see it as such & with such a difference in that basic principle of living, it's just not tolerable for me any longer. And if he's willing to lie over small, seemingly insignificant BS, what else is out there waiting to drop with the next shoe?
I'm not trying to discount the leaps & bounds he has come in recovery, because I believe he has had REAL progress..... but I am at a point, I think, where I have to acknowledge that maybe the way he is working through his recovery works for him but it's not enough to fix US. I also think it's possible that the difference *this time* is that my recovery is strong enough to catch this at the beginning of his (long) cycle, rather than in the middle/end stages.... that what I'm seeing now is the stuff I never caught before because it's so subtle & his cycles can be so long.
Maybe he's being Honest Abe and I'm overanalyzing, but it doesn't feel that way. Maybe this is a case of The Boy Who Cried Wolf & I'm way off base. Either way I have to trust that more will be revealed in time.
Right now I am tired of retracing certain steps over & again because of his stubbornness in his own path. I've done everything that I can to mitigate my exposure to damage, stay on my side of the street, etc. but some crap just can't be ignored when you share a household. I'm still impacted at times far more than *I* want to be considering my limits of control over making changes for something that doesn't belong to me, kwim?
Financially I debated this all night but since I'm the breadwinner by far, it seems like no matter what I can't be worse off without him there. I will have some thinking to do in terms of long-term stuff like the mortgage & other debts, but it seems like if I'm managing now with minimal help at best, I should manage fine without that help & all the extra expense drain that comes along with it.
But my heart is breaking, I wont lie. I still love my husband very, very much. Just yesterday we started our day with tickle fights & big smiles..... I had no clue I would be feeling a complete 180 in less than 24 hours.
I have been rolling this around in my head for a few months, just laying back & observing & filing away info as it presents. Last night my gut just stood up & said, "Enough." It was difficult to be the one to initiate the idea & mean it & not have it as a result of a HUGE event. I think that has shocked & stunned him - he's refusing to answer my calls or texts at this point.
And after I told him I wanted to discuss separation, I logged into an app I have on my phone that gives me daily inspirational thoughts. It said, "Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." And I knew that was my HP (or maybe even his, lol) telling me I was right, that it is time for action.
I've given him A LOT of time to make actionable changes. Unfortunately he only started making legit, substantial changes about 9 months ago & after about 7 yrs of actively supporting him I just don't have the patience left to keep waiting for him to catch up on his own terms. I'm also not about to start levying ultimatums in order to get MY way. And who knows? Maybe this is what HE needs to progress to the next stage of his recovery too. Maybe we're holding each other back at this point, enabling each other through mutual obligation.
I just need to get through the next 6 hours at my desk & then I can have a good cry & work through more of this over the weekend. I haven't said anything to DD, I'm trying to get him to sit down & talk to me like an adult before saying anything to anyone but I have no clue how long he's going to avoid me. No idea if he's at work this morning or if he's angry enough to have circled back home to pack his crap like a rebellious teen while I'm working today.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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FS, I am so sorry to hear this. However, I cannot help but think you will be absolutely fine no matter what happens. You are one of the most grounded and reasonable people on this forum. You can do whatever you set your mind to.
I think it's important to note that in separation, or even divorce, you are not required to lose your love for that person. While I would not say I love my XAH, I still feel for him, I still want well for him.
You are right. Sometimes no matter what a person does, there comes a time you realize you are just not on the same path anymore. I think that's ok too. You only get one life, the path you are on has to be the one you can live with, that fulfills your needs and morals in life.
Big hugs my dear friend. You and your family are in my prayers.
Much love....
I think it's important to note that in separation, or even divorce, you are not required to lose your love for that person. While I would not say I love my XAH, I still feel for him, I still want well for him.
You are right. Sometimes no matter what a person does, there comes a time you realize you are just not on the same path anymore. I think that's ok too. You only get one life, the path you are on has to be the one you can live with, that fulfills your needs and morals in life.
Big hugs my dear friend. You and your family are in my prayers.
Much love....
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Join Date: Nov 2011
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Originally Posted by FireSprite 
But my heart is breaking, I wont lie. I still love my husband very, very much. Just yesterday we started our day with tickle fights & big smiles..... I had no clue I would be feeling a complete 180 in less than 24 hours.
Last night my gut just stood up & said, "Enough." It was difficult to be the one to initiate the idea & mean it & not have it as a result of a HUGE event. I think that has shocked & stunned him - he's refusing to answer my calls or texts at this point.
Last night my gut just stood up & said, "Enough." It was difficult to be the one to initiate the idea & mean it & not have it as a result of a HUGE event. I think that has shocked & stunned him - he's refusing to answer my calls or texts at this point.
the emotional impact of the day I knew I hit my limit. Calmly, it happened and I did leave for good.
How I wish I had left months earlier. Hell, a year earlier. Couldn't tho'...had to really hit that point.
To be so in love, the laughing, the affections....and then shortly after the reality of the problems coming back. That 180 you spoke of.
Yeah, some things are just not solve-able. I'm a huge believer that anyone can change for the better but also have enough experience to know some can't change enough to make things work out.
It is really heartbreaking.
((((hugs))))
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
Big hugs, FireSprite. My thoughts and prayers will be with you and your family. I know wherever your path takes you, that you and your DD will be great. I hope you and RAH are able to sit down and have the conversations to make this as smooth a process as possible for all of you.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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FireSprite.....sometimes. when it happens...it happens fast....or, so it APPEARS.
When I told my exH...my children's father....that I was going to see a lawyer that next morning....I had no idea 15min. before I said it. In reality...events h ad been leading up to this culmination for a verrrry long time!! I had just reached my tipping point.
dandylion
When I told my exH...my children's father....that I was going to see a lawyer that next morning....I had no idea 15min. before I said it. In reality...events h ad been leading up to this culmination for a verrrry long time!! I had just reached my tipping point.
dandylion
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dandy - it was very much like that. I knew it had been percolating in the back of my head but when I found it coming out of my mouth & my gut agreeing it was unplanned & unexpected.
Thanks everyone, I appreciate all of your support.
Thanks everyone, I appreciate all of your support.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
FireSprite.....another interesting aspect, for me.....he didn't bat an eyelash. Even though he knew I was visiting a lawyer several times....he didn't believe it until the day I gave him the separation agreement to look over.....He was genuinely "shocked". He never believed that I would do something like that. He told me that I was being so ridiculous because he was perfectly happy with our marriage. (He was a Narcissist--not alcoholic).
dandylion
dandylion
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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Good Luck, Lady. I didn't realize that you were thinking that way, but I understand how you feel and where you are coming from.
We only have 80 years or so if we are lucky. Why spend a moment of that time in a less than desirable situation?
Hugs to you
We only have 80 years or so if we are lucky. Why spend a moment of that time in a less than desirable situation?
Hugs to you
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
FS....my X could not have been more shocked when I actually kicked him out and filed for divorce. You see, in his head he thought that I would never actually go through with it. He admits that even now. It shocked him to the core. O well, he was the shocked one, not me.
Stay strong my dear friend. Here for you always!
Stay strong my dear friend. Here for you always!
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When I kicked my AH out of the house, in the middle of a heated argument, it was all about HIM. His behavior, my expectations of him and our marriage, etc.
When I divorced him, two years later, it was all about ME. It became clear to me that, drunk or sober, he was still the same person I had married 20 years earlier. I was the one who had changed. We were a good fit when I was codependent, needy, had low self worth and defined myself through the eyes of others. As I began to excavate my childhood emotional baggage and learn more about myself, we weren't such a good fit anymore.
It wasn't anyone's fault, people change. I wanted more from life than I could have being financially and emotionally tied to him. I never stopped loving him, and I still wish him the best. I just finally learned to love myself more.
I have no idea if my experience relates to yours in any way. I just wanted to share how it happened for me.
L
When I divorced him, two years later, it was all about ME. It became clear to me that, drunk or sober, he was still the same person I had married 20 years earlier. I was the one who had changed. We were a good fit when I was codependent, needy, had low self worth and defined myself through the eyes of others. As I began to excavate my childhood emotional baggage and learn more about myself, we weren't such a good fit anymore.
It wasn't anyone's fault, people change. I wanted more from life than I could have being financially and emotionally tied to him. I never stopped loving him, and I still wish him the best. I just finally learned to love myself more.
I have no idea if my experience relates to yours in any way. I just wanted to share how it happened for me.
L
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I have no wise words but I think you're incredibly brave and I admire your ability to act on your gut and trust your instincts. I have faith that no matter what happens with your RAH that you and your DD are going to continue to thrive. Sending you huge hugs today, FS, and lots of positive energy.
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Thanks hopeful - what you said earlier means a lot too...it's helpful to remember that we can still love others while standing up for ourselves. Too right & I needed to hear that today.
Ms Fix - I wasn't sure I was feeling this way either. I kept oscillating in my mind & I didn't want to make any rash moves during high emotions when things were feeling "off". So I kept waiting, kept checking in with my gut, kept staying aware of him but focused on me.
LTD - yes, that is exactly it. This time it's ABOUT ME.
He has texted me & said he'd make himself available after work to talk but I can tell he really thinks I'm making a mountain out of a molehill... which is how it always goes in these situations for us.
And I'm tired of being the one to let it go & being told I'm overreacting, all while trying to get him to see his underreacting is the bigger issue. I'm not his mama, I'm not going to lecture him on basic fundamental respect like how "little lies" destroy trust in all close relationships.
Ms Fix - I wasn't sure I was feeling this way either. I kept oscillating in my mind & I didn't want to make any rash moves during high emotions when things were feeling "off". So I kept waiting, kept checking in with my gut, kept staying aware of him but focused on me.
LTD - yes, that is exactly it. This time it's ABOUT ME.
He has texted me & said he'd make himself available after work to talk but I can tell he really thinks I'm making a mountain out of a molehill... which is how it always goes in these situations for us.
And I'm tired of being the one to let it go & being told I'm overreacting, all while trying to get him to see his underreacting is the bigger issue. I'm not his mama, I'm not going to lecture him on basic fundamental respect like how "little lies" destroy trust in all close relationships.
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Right now is a time to be strong and confident in your decision. Be very kind to yourself and listen to your emotional being and your body to what it needs. That is what you have to do for yourself right now. Lots of hugs. Lots of prayers for you, and your dd, and rah. Be proud of yourself for making a hard choice that is speaking to you from your intuitions.
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