A baby step
torquemax777
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Montrose CO
Posts: 350
A baby step
Today I took a baby step. I picked up an application for a dish washing job that an acquaintance gave me a tip on. Crazy thing is, after I filled out the app and brought it back, the lady interviewed me on the spot and asked if I could work tonight at 5pm; it was already 4:20pm. So, kinda taken aback and a little reluctant at first (I wasn't mentally or even physically/dressed ready) but I said sure.
The disturbing thing was, I wasn't all that relieved or grateful; I actually had to fight off tears and it just kept playing in my mind, " it wasn't supposed to be this way! Because of drunk ass AH, I have to do this if I ever want to get out! I'm not doing it because I want to, and I am so freaking mad that there is even a reason to need to!!!"
It's complicated, but I guess it comes down to the fact that I am sorta grieving the loss of a dream. Until now, I always tried to tailor my hours, days, and position, to be home when he was. I don't mind getting up way early in the morning, or even night shift, but I loathe evening shift. Evenings have always been my favorite time of day "me time." And, I have always worked in nursing, so this was a humbling step down to something completely unfamiliar, and not at all exciting.
What makes it worse is that AH kept saying, things like, "you don't have to do it if you don't want to; I'm proud of you for stepping out of your comfort zone and doing something new, but I make enough that you don't have to work if you don't want to...." He is right about that-in a way; we definitely aren't rich, but we have enough to live comfortably; especially since we simplified our living expenses by living in an RV. Our total monthly bills-aside from food, gas, extras and don't forget his STUPID beer, are actually only about $900 a month, and he makes about $2400 (drinks about $150-$200 a month. But if this alcohol thing lands him back in jail or in the hospital, what good is that going to do me???
The worse part is, it's like he totally forgot the letter I wrote him a week ago outlining my boundaries, and giving him a heads up that I won't always be here if not only does he not get sober, but also if he refuses to get help, I will eventually leave. I didn't give him a specific time frame or exact month or day; I'm not prepared in any way for that degree of an ultimatum, and I don't even know myself, but I did inform him that I am just about fed up as far as I can stand it, and things need to change. I thought he got the picture, because while not actively seeking true recovery (like I know he has to) he at least has been "white knuckling" it- as lame and pathetic of an attempt that is. I thought he at least understood that the whole reason I got a ****** job, is that I plan to use most of it to leave him.
About halfway through my shift, he showed up there on a break with "gifts." He was drunk but he went out and bought me new shoes, cuz I was commenting before work on how my ol sneakers are pretty wore out. He also bought me a snack and a DVD. It's like now I really feel like a bitch. It felt a lot like, here he was being all sweet, as I am planning my escape from him. Got me choked up and teary right then and there, and it continued thru out the rest of the shift.
I'm a little bitter too, because in CO, when the nursing home cut my hours in half, they wanted me to stay so much they offered me a full time; get this- evening position, and I turned it down (for the above mentioned reasons.) And now I'm stuck washing dishes when I could have just as easily stayed in my home town, near friends and family, doing a job I loved; but NOooooo, we had to move here, cuz Mr. Smarty pants told me that his long hours and them only selling 3.2 beer here, would really help him avoid temptation. Plus, the fact that he has been stuck in the camper all winter long in a deep depression because no one was hiring (ironically enough he didn't drink then) Anyway, he was going crazy not working and was chomping at the bit to get back to work and stay busy and occupied. I basically moved here thinking I was helping his sobriety, and now I feel duped.
It may be 3.2 low alcohol content beer, but if you start drinking it anywhere from 2am-8am (depending on whether or not he works the next day) and continue to drink until 10 or 11pm the next night, it's going to get a person drunk regardless of the alcohol content! I almost think it's worse, because it takes him so much longer to get to that "passed out" stage, that he has SO many more hours of somewhat lucidity, that he can get into a lot more trouble and has more hours to rant, ramble, and be generally annoying. At least with 6% beer or higher, he got drunk faster, but at least he passed out faster. 3.2 beer gets him to that annoying phase of drunkenness and keeps him there for hours!!!
Anyway, all in all I guess I am somewhat grateful for the job, and probably will more so when the paychecks start rolling in; but in the meantime, should I tell AH, "listen here, buddy, you keep telling me that I don't have to work if I don't want to, but WAKE UP! YOU ARE THE REASON I have to work!!!!" Or, do I just save up the money then tell him on my way out the door???
The disturbing thing was, I wasn't all that relieved or grateful; I actually had to fight off tears and it just kept playing in my mind, " it wasn't supposed to be this way! Because of drunk ass AH, I have to do this if I ever want to get out! I'm not doing it because I want to, and I am so freaking mad that there is even a reason to need to!!!"
It's complicated, but I guess it comes down to the fact that I am sorta grieving the loss of a dream. Until now, I always tried to tailor my hours, days, and position, to be home when he was. I don't mind getting up way early in the morning, or even night shift, but I loathe evening shift. Evenings have always been my favorite time of day "me time." And, I have always worked in nursing, so this was a humbling step down to something completely unfamiliar, and not at all exciting.
What makes it worse is that AH kept saying, things like, "you don't have to do it if you don't want to; I'm proud of you for stepping out of your comfort zone and doing something new, but I make enough that you don't have to work if you don't want to...." He is right about that-in a way; we definitely aren't rich, but we have enough to live comfortably; especially since we simplified our living expenses by living in an RV. Our total monthly bills-aside from food, gas, extras and don't forget his STUPID beer, are actually only about $900 a month, and he makes about $2400 (drinks about $150-$200 a month. But if this alcohol thing lands him back in jail or in the hospital, what good is that going to do me???
The worse part is, it's like he totally forgot the letter I wrote him a week ago outlining my boundaries, and giving him a heads up that I won't always be here if not only does he not get sober, but also if he refuses to get help, I will eventually leave. I didn't give him a specific time frame or exact month or day; I'm not prepared in any way for that degree of an ultimatum, and I don't even know myself, but I did inform him that I am just about fed up as far as I can stand it, and things need to change. I thought he got the picture, because while not actively seeking true recovery (like I know he has to) he at least has been "white knuckling" it- as lame and pathetic of an attempt that is. I thought he at least understood that the whole reason I got a ****** job, is that I plan to use most of it to leave him.
About halfway through my shift, he showed up there on a break with "gifts." He was drunk but he went out and bought me new shoes, cuz I was commenting before work on how my ol sneakers are pretty wore out. He also bought me a snack and a DVD. It's like now I really feel like a bitch. It felt a lot like, here he was being all sweet, as I am planning my escape from him. Got me choked up and teary right then and there, and it continued thru out the rest of the shift.
I'm a little bitter too, because in CO, when the nursing home cut my hours in half, they wanted me to stay so much they offered me a full time; get this- evening position, and I turned it down (for the above mentioned reasons.) And now I'm stuck washing dishes when I could have just as easily stayed in my home town, near friends and family, doing a job I loved; but NOooooo, we had to move here, cuz Mr. Smarty pants told me that his long hours and them only selling 3.2 beer here, would really help him avoid temptation. Plus, the fact that he has been stuck in the camper all winter long in a deep depression because no one was hiring (ironically enough he didn't drink then) Anyway, he was going crazy not working and was chomping at the bit to get back to work and stay busy and occupied. I basically moved here thinking I was helping his sobriety, and now I feel duped.
It may be 3.2 low alcohol content beer, but if you start drinking it anywhere from 2am-8am (depending on whether or not he works the next day) and continue to drink until 10 or 11pm the next night, it's going to get a person drunk regardless of the alcohol content! I almost think it's worse, because it takes him so much longer to get to that "passed out" stage, that he has SO many more hours of somewhat lucidity, that he can get into a lot more trouble and has more hours to rant, ramble, and be generally annoying. At least with 6% beer or higher, he got drunk faster, but at least he passed out faster. 3.2 beer gets him to that annoying phase of drunkenness and keeps him there for hours!!!
Anyway, all in all I guess I am somewhat grateful for the job, and probably will more so when the paychecks start rolling in; but in the meantime, should I tell AH, "listen here, buddy, you keep telling me that I don't have to work if I don't want to, but WAKE UP! YOU ARE THE REASON I have to work!!!!" Or, do I just save up the money then tell him on my way out the door???
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Olney, MD
Posts: 268
Wow yep, so many similarities, except that I actually really LIKE evening shift lol! With my AH it would be awful if it took him *longer* to get drunk. It makes me want to throw things at him when he's drunk and conscious. I always know when he's really pit because he starts putting on 2pac videos and changing them in the middle. Silently watching a movie while he gets hammered is far more preferable. On the leaving. Tell him on the way out the door. Don't give him any ultimatums because the more you give him ultimatums and don't leave or leave and come back.......well it's like crying wolf and will not make him " wake up". I learned this lesson the hard way.
torquemax777
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Montrose CO
Posts: 350
That's kind of what I thought, but let me shoot you this idea I had. I thought about telling him that we either use the money I am making for me to leave, or we use it to get him treatment, but either way one or another WILL happen in the next few months/year. I just thought that maybe it would get him to make a real choice, and not just dilly dally around thinking I will still be here this time next year. He's always saying he doesn't have any money for treatment (if you read any of my previous posts there is no AA or Celebrate Recovery in a hundred mile radius.) So we would have to opt for some sort of counseling (I don't even know if they have that here) but I don't know, just a thought....
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Honestly torque? I'd stash as much cash as possible, hope for the best & prepare for the worst. If your living expenses are covered & your future is unknown this is your best chance on making sure that if/when you reach the point of finding this situation intolerable, you'll have access to quick solutions.
If I remember, in one of your 1st posts here you talked about how isolated you are & how limited the options are for earning money of your own. This sounds to me like your HP sending you a BIG HIGH 5 & giving you some options for solutions. It may not be, perfect however, in one baby step you've brought yourself out of isolation & made strides toward getting your own financial independence - that's HUGE. Baby steps all link together to lead us somewhere - on their own they are seemingly insignificant (like a lone ant) but together, in a chain, they accomplish GREAT things (like a whole colony of ants working together).
I personally would *absolutely NOT* offer to use that money to pay for rehab knowing he makes enough money to be able to budget for it himself. The excuse of not having the money to pay for treatment is straight-up quacking IMO.
If I remember, in one of your 1st posts here you talked about how isolated you are & how limited the options are for earning money of your own. This sounds to me like your HP sending you a BIG HIGH 5 & giving you some options for solutions. It may not be, perfect however, in one baby step you've brought yourself out of isolation & made strides toward getting your own financial independence - that's HUGE. Baby steps all link together to lead us somewhere - on their own they are seemingly insignificant (like a lone ant) but together, in a chain, they accomplish GREAT things (like a whole colony of ants working together).
I personally would *absolutely NOT* offer to use that money to pay for rehab knowing he makes enough money to be able to budget for it himself. The excuse of not having the money to pay for treatment is straight-up quacking IMO.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 106
Personally, I don't believe I'd be willing to hand over my power to my AH any longer by telling him he's the reason for anything I do. If you've discussed your boundary and potentially leaving,there is no need to address it again.
Your anger is a normal feeling at an unfair situation. Please keep in mind that he never truly forced you to do anything, you always had a choice, you just didn't know or see it, now you do, now you are moving forward. If you dwell too long in blaming him (blaming him won't change anything) and not taking personally responsibility for agreeing to go along with his plan, you will miss the opportunity for actually internalizing and realizing your own power in your personal happiness. We all make mistakes and unfortunately trust and have faith in people who we need to be far more mindful in making decisions with, it's a good thing we usually get more than 1 chance to get it right when we learn from it. You go girl, you got this!
Your anger is a normal feeling at an unfair situation. Please keep in mind that he never truly forced you to do anything, you always had a choice, you just didn't know or see it, now you do, now you are moving forward. If you dwell too long in blaming him (blaming him won't change anything) and not taking personally responsibility for agreeing to go along with his plan, you will miss the opportunity for actually internalizing and realizing your own power in your personal happiness. We all make mistakes and unfortunately trust and have faith in people who we need to be far more mindful in making decisions with, it's a good thing we usually get more than 1 chance to get it right when we learn from it. You go girl, you got this!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Save the money.
You've already done the talking. You even put it in writing. Saying it over and over won't change anything and just adds to the chaos.
Offering to pay for his rehab will be throwing money in the wind. If he wants to go to rehab he'll do it on his own. He'll use your money to go just to delay your leaving though. BTDT. You'll be in the same spot only after putting in your time at a job you don't like - you'll have no money.
There is always lots of quacking about us supporting their sobriety. When those words come out of a drunks mouth what they really want is for us to support them in their addiction. You've been supporting him - all these years - and what good has it done?
You've already done the talking. You even put it in writing. Saying it over and over won't change anything and just adds to the chaos.
Offering to pay for his rehab will be throwing money in the wind. If he wants to go to rehab he'll do it on his own. He'll use your money to go just to delay your leaving though. BTDT. You'll be in the same spot only after putting in your time at a job you don't like - you'll have no money.
There is always lots of quacking about us supporting their sobriety. When those words come out of a drunks mouth what they really want is for us to support them in their addiction. You've been supporting him - all these years - and what good has it done?
torquemax777
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Montrose CO
Posts: 350
AMEN! to all you said. I'm just grieving I guess, because I have tolerated so much and sacrificed greatly just for it to end like this??? It just straight up sucks!!! Way more than any of the other bad things that have happened in life... Just so very very heartbreaking. I'm trying to type this through sobs and tears, soo... but thank you, I know you are right.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
That's your money, you use it to take care of yourself. And this dishwashing job could lead to cooking or serving, and eventually management. Many of the best restaurateurs started back at the sink. You won't be washing dishes forever. But hey, it's your money that you're earning! That's pretty awesome! 
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Save the money. You cannot force someone into treatment and think it will work, it just does not work that way. You will lose your hard earned cash that you still need to leave.
Stock up on cash. Detatch.
Hugs.
Stock up on cash. Detatch.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: OREGON
Posts: 228
Save your money. A huge part of getting out of an abusive relationship of any sort is the finances. Hoping he goes into recovery on his own, but you need to save your money. The advise given to you here has been wise. Start thinking of you and not of him...
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