Sitting here thinking....

Old 04-04-2002, 12:01 AM
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Post Sitting here thinking....

Hi all,

Guess its one of those times again when I need to ramble/vent.

Today was the first time I talked to hubby since I dropped him off at detox on Friday. His counselor called me trying to get a feel of my feelings to plan his aftercare. I told here honestly I didn't know. There were feelings of anger, hurt, disbelief running through be at all times. He scared me! I really never thought I'd see the day when he would physically touch me. She understood. I told her I would have to talk to him the first time to see what emotions ran through my soul so she allowed him to call me.

When I heard his voice. I felt bad for him and bad for me that this disease has caused so much destruction in our lives. He told me he was wondering if there was going to be anyone home when he came home. I told him I didn't know. That I am so confused and there are so many issues we need to work through, that I just don't know. Why can't I make this decision? It's eatting at me. I told him I would be at the house when he came home but I didn't know if I could stay here. He then asked if I would go to counseling as a couple and I said yes, I guess thats a start.

This whole thing is so mentally draining. So here I sit. Pouring out what happened, reading the first step of al-anon in one of the books I checked out of the library and crying my eyes out. Maybe this is what I need. A good cry, they always told me it was cleansing. Tonight is that beginners meeting of al-anon. Perhaps another step for me.

Any way, thanks for letting me go on.

You all take care.
Many hugs.
Love,
Debbie
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Old 04-04-2002, 02:34 AM
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JT
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Mornin' Debbie,

I just wanted to let you know that I thought your response to him was awesome! You were honest and you left the door open to change your mind.

Follow your own mind and gut....and getting counceling and going to meetings can help you define what your own mind and gut is telling you.

Have a good day
Paula
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Old 04-04-2002, 02:57 AM
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Hi Debbie,
I an really relate to having trouble making up your mind about what to do. I have been struggling with knowing what I want for such a long time. But I feel that I am working toward a choice and I have to patient with myself in the process. Good luck at your meeting, I always feel better on days I go to a meeting(like today!). I am praying for you.
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Old 04-04-2002, 04:39 AM
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HI, Sweetheart,

I always cry when I read your postings. Yes, your reply to him was awesome. As I said before, a day at a time.

I went to a ball game to watch my grandson play in the pony league. Standing by the fence at first base, I turned my head and here came my four year old granddaughter running full speed to her Grandma Honey. Debbie, do you have grandma to run to? Think of Alanon in those terms. They will love and support you. The physical contact with these wonderful people will help. Having the telephone number of someone to call or to be able to meet in a coffee shop and talk is great. If I had a nickle for every cup of coffee I had at Denny's I would be a millionaire. But I found something there better than gold....sobriety and a quiet heart.

Love you, Darlin'!

Pickle

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Old 04-04-2002, 05:37 AM
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Hi Debbie,
I was married to an Alcoholic and Atic for a short time. He became agressive in the same way your husband was. I kept leaving him and coming back. Finally I left for the last time. He stalked me for about 5 years after that. I can look back now and see that I should have left a lot sooner. I don't think he would have been a stalker if I had. But, my heart was involved at the time and making decisions with all that emotion is complicated. I think it would be good to learn about domestic violence. That way when things happen it will be harder for you to slip into denial. A book that I liked was The Men who Hate Women and the Women that Love Them. It's an older book, but it helped me when I was going through it. I don't know what books are out there now. I've had such bad luck with men that I made the choice to stay single. I haven't been in a relationship for 12 years now. I kind of like it that way. I'm content. Keep yourself safe.
 
Old 04-04-2002, 01:57 PM
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Hi all,

Thanks for replies I appreciate every one of them and I thank you for listening too. It helps me so much to get this off my chest.

I read your replies at work (I can read the board with my sups permission but I don't want to post, not sure which big brother is watching)and I cried, again.

Anyway, I am off to my first meeting. Wish me luck. I am going a little early because I am not exactly sure which building it is in. I hope I keep the courage I have felt all day to be able to go.

Talk to you all later.

Take care.
Many hugs.
Love,
Debbie
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Old 04-04-2002, 04:04 PM
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((( Debbie )))

Oh, girl! It just breaks my heart to read how much hurt and confusion you have going on right now. Even though I think we all go through our own hell when dealing with this disease, you can't help but make room in your heart to worry or hurt or be happy for someone going though the same things.

Deb, you did the right thing in your answer to your husband. You need to take time to figure out what you want. Maybe couples counselling will help you determine that even sooner than just trying to deal with this on your own.

Hang in there sweetie! You're doing a GREAT job so far!

((((Debbie))))

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