soberjuly

It takes 6 months to become a legal resident of California, I would look into where your residency is.

fairlyuncertain

I have a different take on this, I guess. Your wife sounds extremely incapacitated by her alcoholism.

I think that building your life on the hopes that another person will die is unhealthy. It's unhealthy for your kids and their long-term relationship with you, it's unhealthy for you, and it's unhealthy for your wife.

A lawyer or divorce mediator can help you, one with experience w/military issues. Alcoholism affects the whole family. I think the best way to move towards health is to decide what is fair and ethical and right, and move forward with that. Not what SHE deserves--but acting out of your own sense of right and wrong, ethics and fairness. Principles, not personalities.

Your wife may outlive your hopes for her demise. She may get sober and go on to be a wonderful parent, or a horrible sober woman. She may drink herself to death after 10 years, or spend 5 years in jail after a DUI trial she pays for on your credit cards.

The point is, you can't make plans based on a LIKELY OUTCOME. With alcoholics, NOTHING goes according to plan, ever. I do think you can separate yourself from her with a minimal cost--but she is your kids' mom. For that alone, maybe you can plan as if she might recover.

I have an awful ex. He's been cruel, abusive, tried to turn the kids against me. And I've held my best case scenario in my head: That we will all move through this and evolve and grow as people. That my kids will have a relationship with their dad as he really is--whatever that is, and know that they are loved. That they never feel like they have to choose which one of us to love. That, if he is safe for them to be around, I will support them spending time with him.
In short, I try to treat him the way I would want to be treated if I was lost in alcoholism. And I know my kids are watching. When they ARENT watching, I bitch on SR, to my therapist, or cry on my friends' shoulders. I wish your family the best of luck.

Santa

Morally I have no problem with this at all. You're trying to make the best financial decision for you and your children. Your wife is provided for and she has a live-in boyfriend. Where's the "moral" problem?

I think it makes a ton of sense to look at things sometimes with the green eyeshade rather than raw emotion. It's refreshing, in fact. More power to you.

amy55

RTW, I gave this some thought today. First I know you are not trying to hide assets, how can you, you said something about you might have to file BK, you are already paying for 2 different residences.

I would suggest that you do not wait to file for divorce

1. The pension, if she doesn't realize she would be entitled to it yet, she will be aware when you need her to sign off on survivors benefits.

2. If you file for divorce asap, it stops the counting for length of marriage to determine her award amount.

3. If you wait for her to file, as she will once she doesn't get that 33% allocation of your pay to pay household expenses, she will file for the divorce.

4. If you wait this out and receive a lump sum for unused vacation pay, and divorce wasn't filed, she will be entitled to half of this also.

I would suggest speaking to an attorney and filing for the divorce, and out of the goodness of your heart, give her the 50% of your TSP. This way she has money for attorney fees, and this might go against her in trying to get you to pay her attorney fees. Do the math.

The house. She will have to put the house up for sale, unless she buys you out of your share.

I don't know how they handle her credit card debts in a divorce, you may be responsible for half of it, but since she will either have to buy you out of your share of the house, or sell it, there is money there if you get stuck with this.

The courts will make her sell it, if not, it's contempt of court.

You really can't do anything about her share of the pension. She would be stupid to give that up, you might want to try to bargain things with other assets, if she goes for it, you will most likely to be asked to give her $1.00 of your pension, just so that she would be eligible for health care through government plans.

Divisions of assets are not set in stone, you can trade one for the other.

Go for the child support and they will most likely impute wages to her.

Check out where your would have to file D.C. or Va. I read both of them. Forget which one but one of them stated that if fault is found, it could affect amount of alimony. You have the fault part of it. You have the R.O. and all documentation leading up to that.

I think you would come out a lot better by filing for the divorce.

See a lawyer and run some of the above by him.

((((((((((hugs))))))))))

soberjuly

I think amy55 has it down...and pretty sure her credit card debts will be your responsibility so the sooner you cut that off the better.

amy55

Thought of something else, in exchange for her signing off of survivors benefits, you may be requested to carry a life insurance policy with her as the irrevocable beneficiary of it, and that would be determined by the amount of her award and using the life expectancy charts to cover that. It's still cheaper that way then to have your pension reduced for a survivor annuity.

ResignedToWait

Thank you fairlyuncertain, I appreciate your reply. I completely agree, it is unhealthy for me, and it's unhealthy for my AW. I just don't see a healthy option, unfortunately. It's the reality I have to face. The numbers don't lie...statistics on A's that actually recover...the death rates for A's that have withdrawal seizures as severe and as often as my AW has. The picture isn't pretty.
The "she is their mother" thing is true in words only. She is allowed supervised visitation via the custody order...and has not once asked to come visit them, nor made any effort to do so in the almost year and a half since I got custody of them. Only 4 hours away from her children, and hasn't seen them once in 16 months. That's not a mother. (or a father, if the gender/roles were reversed)
I do what I can. Part of the goodnight ritual is me playfully asking them "who loves you?!"...their mom is included in the list they gleefully recite back to me. I can only do so much to pretend that their mom really does care about them. She might say she does, but her actions make it clear they are a low priority in her life...as is everything except Alcohol.
If my kids ever hate their mom, or think anything other than the best of her...it will most definitely not be because of me. No child should ever know that they are not the most important thing in their mom's lives.


Thank you again Amy, that's a lot to chew on! I will definitely be keeping notes on all the things you mentioned when I have my consults, etc, to see the best course of action. I've got a lot of heavy factors to weigh pretty soon...such is life.

ResignedToWait

Correct, I have sole legal and physical custody. She actually has a protective order in effect (only supervised visitation allowed) until their 18th birthday.

We do live in Virginia, technically. D.C. is right across the bridge, where I work. However, if I initiate the divorce now, with one year left until I retire, it's highly unlikely (chance of nearly zero) to be finished by the time I move. Since we'll most likely settling in Florida...the thought of moving to FL and having to finish up the divorce in another state halfway up the coast is very unappealing. If I filed, it would be from FL.

I'll admit, I am woefully not prepared on this side of the house. I need to get this aspect settled asap. I'd not thought on it. .

amy55

Another thing to look at and this is really just for you. You will be getting a government pension. You will need 30 years of substantial earnings (whatever that amount is now) to get your full social security without the government pension offset. I don't recall that much how that works. Just more food for thought.

amy55

I could be totally wrong about this. I worked for the Federal Government, I keep thinking that way. We had CSRS, then they switched to FERS. I don't know anything about FERS (Federal Employees Retirement System). I was grandfathered into the CSRS (Civil Service Retirement System). I really have no knowledge if the military did the same thing.

FERS paid into both, a federal pension and social security. I don't know how that works. I had worked for social security adm. I know they had and have the gov pension offsets. I just never really did those since I handled Supplemental Security Income.

So forget about that last post.

soberjuly

My husband doesn't think it makes sense to stay married because he can't imagine that spousal support will be more than 33% which is what you pay now to her (in mortgage and etc). Having physical custody and supporting the kids, that would be taken into account. HOWEVER, he did say it might make sense to wait until you are out of the military. He also said you might want to let it be know (let it slip out discretely) to the local authorities that she is driving without the device she has been ordered to drive with.

schnappi99

+1 this! Even if you're not concerned about legalities and insurance for her or the car consider who she might hit- and she's likely to be driving drunk. A guy at work nearly lost his legs in a car wreck w/ an indigent uninsured driver. He got just adequate medical coverage from his own health insurance and had to use his own insurance for his own car and that was it and he'll be limping for the rest of his life. What if she wipes out somebody elses kid?

queenapple

My RAH is retired from both military and civil service. We're currently separated and I have no plans at all to divorce him if we remain separated( more than 50/50 odds at this point).

I can't remember if it's the CS or military-- I think it's military--that we had to make a choice on death benefits, whether I would get a certain percentage if RAH died or if we would choose for a higher monthly amount now in leu of death benefits.

We still have joint accounts and since I'm still living in our house, I'm probably getting more than half of our assets, currently. He's 68, I'm 64, neither of us is interested in another relationship. For us, there seems to be no logical reason to get a divorce.

The difference is, though, that neither of us is out to get the other one, though. We're both really sad about this and wish there was some other way, but there really isn't, due to other circumstances. And, of course, our kids are all grown.

See one of the base lawyers and go from there.

Santa

That would be a tragedy, although it would not be the OP's fault and is in no way dependent on whether or not he divorces his AH.

A few times my ex tried to manipulate me into getting booze for him by threatening to drive to the store himself. He'd tell me it would be my fault if he killed someone.

soberjuly

Ok I read the Florida moving idea last night and mentioned it to my husband. He said Florida laws are very screwed up and he now thinks either you should get divorced in Virginia, he said there are no community property laws there and that is why you don't need to pay her credit card debt, or if you plan on moving to Florida, you should talk to a Florida divorce lawyer who deals with military divorces before you move there. He did say it's important your lawyer deal with military divorces as there are special issues with that.

He said with no assets or just the house and no custody issues you should probably just divorce her now. She would be forced to sell the house. He said the pension is a calculation anyhow and like he said, they would take into account that you have the children and their expenses and that would come off any alimony amount she would get and he doesn't believe it would be more than what you are paying now.

He thinks it really makes no sense to stay married to her. You have custody, she can't see the children until they are 18, which means child custody is off the table.

And he doesn't know if there is equity in the home or not but either way, it sounds like with very little assets and no child custody issues there is very little a lawyer needs to deal with.

He also said being required to drive with a device in her car means she must have had more than one DUI. This is a train wreck you need to walk away from.

FireSprite

Oh, yes, get this taken care of right away with your legal consults. Not just about your assets/insurances but have you also thought about things like appointing successor guardians in the case that it should become necessary? God forbid something happens - the kids could be stuck in limbo while the courts decide what to do based around the protective order.

If you are considering moving to FL, check out the state laws there too in regards to all of this... it could either really complicate matters further or make it much simpler. I've not been through the system with something like myself, but I've heard lots of horror stories from others. (I live in S FL) We actually have a law firm down the street from my office that specializes in representing men in divorce & custody issues, so maybe you would benefit from that kind of representation.

Thumper

I have physical custody but shared legal custody. In the event of my death, the children would go live with their dad. He is sober now. I do no think they could legally be kept from him even though I know he'd struggle to have them all full time.

I have assigned a 3rd party I trust as the beneficiary of all my assets and life insurance. It will not go directly to the kids. Obviously you have to really trust the person in order to do this. She'll take care of the kids financially (ie - provide $$ for living expenses) and the rest would be saved for them or put in trust funds. I need to do a little more work on those details so she doesn't have to. If they got it all directly, it would go to him basically, and that would not be good/wise. If I didn't have her I'd have all that go directly to trust funds. My kids would get SS checks if I died and those would go straight to them/ex.

atalose

Those statement confuse me, seems to be a wash.

My take on this whole thing, you are giving an A way too much credit on how or what she may or may not do regarding responding to a motion for divorce.


You seem to caught up in she will do this, she will do that and you will owe or you will have to pay her X.

I think some counseling for you would be a good idea, help you figure out why you are paying for a car loan on a vehicle that you have removed her from insurance wise YET continue to allow her to drive putting you and your childrens future financial situation at risk.

A counselor to help you figure out why you and your children are livign in an apartment while YOU pay a mortgage and utility bills on a house for her and her company to occupy................and all YOUR excuses seem to revolve around money for not taking any pro action for yourself. This is where a counselor can advise you because a lawyer can only do so much.......you have to do somethings for yourself as well and figure out all of your why's.

schnappi99

Agreed OTOH even if it its not his fault it won't stop the lawyers who would very likely be suing him for every penny they can get in such a case. They are still married so the OP is fair game.

Santa

I doubt this very much...show me case law where a separated spouse is held liable for a drunk driving accident by the other one. A few years ago there was a terrible tragedy in my state - woman supposedly working her recovery got blind drunk, not at home if I recall correctly, and wrong-way drove on the interstate, killing two innocent people. Her appalled husband - still living with her (not now of course as she is in jail) - was not changed with anything. How could he be?