amy55

Also be aware that once you leave the military, and you are not forced to give her the 33%, that she will most likely file for a divorce to get that part of your pension and her share of your assets. So this may all be a mute point.

ResignedToWait

Yes, that's what I think she'll do also, Amy. And when she does, I'll be the one that doesn't agree to anything until the terms are highly in our favor.
She won't be able to afford the legal counsel for the 2-year protracted negotiations that I will turn it into, and will have to stop pursuing it, as no lawyer will stay with her if she can't pay them.

My biggest thing I'll need to look out for is so that she can't file divorce under terms of Abandonment. So, that'll also be something that I'll have to talk to a lawyer about in order to avoid...maybe kick her a small amount of money every once in awhile so that the Abandonment terms can't be used.

amy55

Now lets pretend I am your AW. The first thing I would go after and want immediately is the share of thrift savings. When you retire I think that money has to be rolled over into an IRA. She will want her share now. Since she will have little to no income, she can withdraw from the IRA that you had to roll over to her. She will have to pay the penalty for early withdraw, but taxes on the money withdrawn won't be that high.

See I would do that, and use that to pay for an attorney.

hopeful4

amy55...you never fail to amaze me with knowledge. Good thinking!

amy55

Now this may or may not work, depends on the judge. I was awarded a portion of assets in the temporary spousal support motion.

But I will be getting that portion of your pension, and I would also have proof of the 33% that you were giving me while separate, and how is this poor poor girl supposed to survive now. They will look at all of that and award alimony in addition to the pension.

It is temporary support. The amounts will change with the actual divorce.

I would also stop paying household bills, so if you have to pay this, I would pay it directly to the mortgage co, etc... If not she will also use that money.

Judges don't like it when it seems that you are trying to prolong a divorce. My ex was actually hit with contempt of court during the court proceedings for failure to submit discovery. He had to pay my attorney $1750. for the wasted day.

ResignedToWait

I liquidated our (my) Roth IRA about six months ago when it matured, and didn't roll it over into a new term. (on advice from a lawyer I'd seen) I used the money to pay down part of the debt I incurred trying to keep both households running. It was "my" IRA, until a divorce and it would be split as marital property...so I wanted to make sure there wasn't anything to split when that time came. It could be brought up during the divorce that I took marital assets away like that...but since I paid off marital debt with the money (and have records of doing so), it's a zero sum game and it wouldn't be held against me.

The TSP doesn't have too much in it...even if she got the whole thing, it wouldn't pay for but a few months of a lawyer.

But you rock thinking of that stuff. =) Thank you!

I don't want this to turn into a thread about "how to hide your assets from your Alcoholic Spouse", so I'll say another hearty Thank You to everyone that responded in this thread and helped bounce this idea off of for a sanity check.

amy55

It's not about hiding assets, it's the cost of the legal bills by doing a drawn out divorce. She will keep coming up with ways to pay, so you won't break her down that way. I was just pointing out the legal ways that she would go about doing it.

She would also get rid of "roommate" if she is smart, and use that to show how her income just decreased again.

LBrain

unfortunately they are a necessary evil. just make sure you get the most evil of lawyers on your side.

Tansy

I'm not in the US but my AH left 4 times and I didn't file. The problem was each time he left he incurred more debt which ultimately I've ended up taking on. He is also entitled to 50% equity of our house whether we divorce or not just be virtue of us being married even to I bought it originally. I decided it was less financial hassle to divorce this time and we are doing a clean break one in which he gets 50% of the house equity but non of my pension. I don't know if that doable in the US? I'm not sure keeping you wife on is a great idea whatever the financial implications tbh. It sounds for what everyone is saying she could cost you more in the long run than divorcing her now. She could live a long time. My exah mother is an alcoholic and is now 86. She's lived on 4/5 bottles of wine a day since she was 14. Everyone expected her to die ( exah dad divorced her too) but she hasn't.

hopeful4

I am going to just mention one more thing. I am not ashamed to say I did this, I did so to preserve my life and that of my children.

If there are any very savy attorneys in your area you would not want her to work with, go have a consult with them. For me this did a couple of things. For one, I got very good advise from three different attorneys before settling on one. For another, I blocked these attorneys from becoming my X's attorney b/c it would then be a conflict of interest b/c I had already spoken w;them. I did not even know this at first, but when I found out I certainly used that in my favor b/c I did not want some nut getting my X more custody than he deserved.

It was useless in the end as he ended up repping himself basically, but we hammered out everything in advance. It was stressful but we did it.

I am sorry if that offends anyone, but these attorneys (all whom I went back to and offered to pay for my consult after I ended up using someone else) all admitted to me this is common practice. They were fine with it and shocked I showed up offering to pay. Kindly none of them took my money, which said something for them in my opinion.

To be clear, I had not hired any of them, just had a consult. I did hire one in the end who is a friend of mine.

Just throwing it out there. Take care!

FireSprite

hopeful, no judgments here..... I actually find it sort of brilliant in terms of strategy.

hopeful4

Thanks. I am ashamed in some ways because it wasted their time and talent, but it was one more strategy put into place in advance because I could not bear having 50/50 custody of my kids. I don't like feeling like I manipulated anyone, but I did tell all of the attorneys the truth and offer compensation, I figured that was better than nothing.

soberjuly

Not sure if alcoholism can be used as a disability. I assume she's created other health problems from the alcoholism...so not sure about that one.

Been thinking and I really think, it's gonna suck now or later and people are right, she's a liability.

And her and the BF are living off of you essentially, there is just so much that is wrong with this.

I would for sure find out how to save as much of what you have before instigating a divorce.

The fact that you have sole physical custody of the children should count for something. I assume she doesn't even have legal custody? She can't be trusted making decisions concerning the children.

Thumper

There is some truth to the saying....

Why is divorce so expensive? Because it is worth it.

soberjuly

Yes, how much will it cost you to keep paying a mortgage and expenses for a house your children don't even live in? And divorce hasn't been filed right? If you are 4 hours away are you even in Virginia? see if you are in Wash DC and the kids are living in Wash DC...you may not be dealing with Virginia laws as you can probably file in DC. Remember when Katie Holmes filed for divorce from Tom Cruise? She first moved from CA to NY with their daughter. I am sure she did it because the custody laws are different there. Find out which state is more favorable to you. Do your homework and don't jump into anything quickly.

You deserve a life yourself. 2 years? You could be in a wonderful relationship by then. A new girlfriend, who would probably be with your kids more than their mom and they probably need that in their lives, doesn't deserve to have to wait for your life to start again.

soberjuly

You know, I think divorce needs to be initiated where the children are (when there are children involved). They don't live in Virginia right?

KidsR#1

Another thought, unless someone else brought it up. If you are still married and pass away (hopefully not) what would happen to all your assests? Would they all go to your AH as your beneficiary or do you already have something set up as your kids as the beneficiary?

Thumper

I think you file in the state you are a legal resident of (regardless of children) and that state has jurisdiction. Generally whoever files first gets jurisdiction so sometimes there is a race to file. Good point as far as it being something to consider when determining if/when to file.

soberjuly

And sorry to go on about this - but everything will be about what is in the best interest of your children. Not you, not her...those kids. I always read men saying they were obliterated in a divorce, well, the mother usually has the kids and it's all about that.

The last time in court, my ex tried to go after my husband's salary. The judge didn't even touch that because that can't happen. The only time that can happen is if I didn't have custody and owed child support and wasn't working, then they can go after my spouse.

You have the kids and you have every right to ensure their future.

soberjuly

I had the same exact thought!