I need some advice pls

Old 08-20-2014, 02:17 AM
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I need some advice pls

So my daughters alcoholic father is having his scheduled visitation on his birthday weekend in a couple of weeks. That same day his nephew is having his first birthday party, and he really wants our daughter to attend. I don't have a problem with her attending the birthday party, but I know for a fact that her father is going to get blotto (his whole family are big drinkers, and family gatherings are quite messy).

She is only 4, and I have spent her entire life trying to shield her from the actions of her father (although I stopped short of going to court to get supervised visitation enforced, but that's a whole other story.)

My problem is that I have also been invited to the party, and I feel I have to go to supervise (how pathetic is that!). The problem is my anxiety flares up whenever I know he has been drinking (history of DV), and I really, REALLY don't want to have to go.

Should I just buck up and go? Or have faith that he will tone it down while she is there (although I know in my heart he won't). I don't want to punish her by saying she can't go to the party because her father is an a$$

I know it may seem like a really trivial thing to some, but it's really distressing me.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.
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Old 08-20-2014, 03:38 AM
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Hi rocket queen,

Is she safe getting to the party with your A? Could you make an agreement to pick her up there?
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Old 08-20-2014, 04:11 AM
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I have no idea how they will get there. It's walking distance from his house, so I'm assuming they will walk or get a lift from his parents (he doesn't drive - it interferes with his drinking *eye roll*)

I'm leaning towards going, and taking her home after a couple of hours. The fact that it's his birthday as well makes me nervous. He tends to go harder on his birthday, and all his drinking mates will be at the party as well (ludicrous for a childs first birthday party, I know, but that's what his family is like.)

I know it's going to create a sh*tstorm, and he's going to make my life a living hell afterwards (because it's HIS weekend), but I honestly don't know what else to do.
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Old 08-20-2014, 04:17 AM
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Sounds like a really fun time....Everyone getting drunk to celebrate, or in remembrance at a funeral, or because it's a holiday, or because it's Saturday. Hmmmm, that sound like me!

Alcoholics are the evolution of the perfect ego manic. It's all about them(me). When loved ones buy in to the manipulation - hey, it's my birthday weekend and my nephews - we enable.

Boundaries are critical to break that insane cycle. If he wants to drink himself to death, there's nothing you can do about it. But, WHY as a mom would you continue to expose your child to this behavior. Unacceptable IMO.

Be strong, establish visitation boundaries - ie, NO drinking by dad around my child EVER - and stick to it.

All that said, it's easy to type advice out for someone else via the internet. Only you know the truth of the situation and circumstances.

Peace to you
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Old 08-20-2014, 04:33 AM
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I hear what you're saying flynbuy, and appreciate you taking the time to reply, but I didn't ask the question to be attacked. I asked for advice on the situation, and like I said, the circumstances surrounding him spending time with my daughter are a story for another day. It's not a black and white situation, and it is most certainly not as simple as saying "you cannot drink around our daughter ever".
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Old 08-20-2014, 04:42 AM
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Can you get a friend you trust to escort her and stay with her on the day so u know she's safe and you don't have to go?
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Old 08-20-2014, 04:49 AM
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[QUOTE=Flynbuy;4849841]Sounds like a really fun time....Everyone getting drunk to celebrate, or in remembrance at a funeral, or because it's a holiday, or because it's Saturday.

/QUOTE]
A long article was published in National Geographic about fetal alcohol syndrome.

It differentiated the drinking patterns of Americans and their European Peers.

One Italian said, "We drink to celebrate. Americans celebrate to drink." I think what he meant was, "celebrate as an excuse to drink."

No reason a 4 year old has to be at an all day event. Ifyou can suck it up to be there and take her home after an hour or two, I would
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Old 08-20-2014, 05:03 AM
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Originally Posted by RocketQueen View Post
I hear what you're saying flynbuy, and appreciate you taking the time to reply, but I didn't ask the question to be attacked. I asked for advice on the situation, and like I said, the circumstances surrounding him spending time with my daughter are a story for another day. It's not a black and white situation, and it is most certainly not as simple as saying "you cannot drink around our daughter ever".
Not sure why you think I was attacking you - if so, I am sorry you feel that way.


That said, you stated your husband is an alcoholic - you also posted " I have spent my entire life trying to shield her".

Not sure what you are after - you want your child to be safe and unaffected by the actions of a drunk, on your terms though.

When you try to do damage control it seldom works.

Take away from SR what works for you and leave the rest alone - me, I suppose. I did not attack you in anyway - just spoke the truth as I see it based on your post.

Wish you the best of luck under difficult circumstances. That's all.

peace
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Old 08-20-2014, 06:24 AM
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He tends to go harder on his birthday, and all his drinking mates will be at the party as well

My first thought was then don't go and take care of "you"

My second thought was go for a while and then leave, but then I know me I would be so uptight that everything would be a reason to get mad.

KI- gave a great option I like.

I would suggest don't do anything until you can make a calm decision.

These are things that will always come up in the future and thinking in a calm state will help with making a rational decision.
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Old 08-20-2014, 07:24 AM
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Hi RocketQueen,

I would pick kid up after a few hours of party. Child sounds fairly safe getting there. It allows time with family, gives you space, honors court appointed weekend. I would agree to this with A while he is sober and have another family member who will be present aware of agreement and can vouch that this was the agreement - that yeah baby momma is popping in to get DD.

Now here's the trickier part of my advice. Be cordial and nonjudgemental. This is what his family does. They get together and drink. Wander in, smile and wave, ask to see cake smeared 1 yr old, depart with your kid. Whatever you need to do to set it up as a no drama kid pick up. Whether that means you bring a friend or wearing a hair shirt. This is your future - sharing a child with an alcoholic family - so identifying who might help you smooth out a lifetime of child pass offs will behoove you.
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Old 08-20-2014, 08:10 AM
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Originally Posted by CodeJob View Post
Hi RocketQueen,

I would pick kid up after a few hours of party. Child sounds fairly safe getting there. It allows time with family, gives you space, honors court appointed weekend. I would agree to this with A while he is sober and have another family member who will be present aware of agreement and can vouch that this was the agreement - that yeah baby momma is popping in to get DD.

Now here's the trickier part of my advice. Be cordial and nonjudgemental. This is what his family does. They get together and drink. Wander in, smile and wave, ask to see cake smeared 1 yr old, depart with your kid. Whatever you need to do to set it up as a no drama kid pick up. Whether that means you bring a friend or wearing a hair shirt. This is your future - sharing a child with an alcoholic family - so identifying who might help you smooth out a lifetime of child pass offs will behoove you.
^^This, exactly. I would suck it up like this JUST to be sure DD had a sober parent present & taking her home. That trumps everything, IMO.
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Old 08-20-2014, 08:14 AM
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I am sorry to say, I think you should go or have someone go in your behalf. A four year old cannot be trusted to fend for herself. Are there any other people there that you could trust to look out for her and speak to them ahead?? If you go could you drop her off and check in after a bit and if he is drinking remove her?? I don't know.

I have it in my divorce decree that my X is not allowed to drink at all around our children or have them in an environment where there is active drinking or alcohol being served. It's tight, but it is for this exact reason.

Hugs. Good Luck!
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Old 08-20-2014, 10:13 AM
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I know how you feel. last weekend my supposed RAH soon to be EX came to drop the girls off. I was anxious ALL.DAY. Just the mere thought of spending 120 seconds in his space just gave me such anxiety. So I know how you feel. Ugh when he pulled up -gross - and gathering them and walking in the house felt like slow motion. So it's not trivial, it's real and I certainly understand.

I have to agree, unless there is someone there that you trust that can keep an eye on her, I would say you have to go. Or go and get her after an hour or so before everyone is completely trashed.
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Old 08-20-2014, 04:33 PM
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Thanks guys. I've come up with an idea that I'm hoping he will be somewhat responsive to:

We will swap weekends so that he will have her the weekend beforehand. I will bring her to the party (even though it's an hour and a half drive each way), and I will explain to him that the idea is so that he can enjoy his birthday with his friends without worrying about additional responsibilities. We will stay for an hour or so and then leave. I think that's the only way to avoid trouble.

The party starts at 1. I just have to pray that he stays sober enough until we leave. I hate this sub-par life we live. Forever stepping on eggshells to avoid the alcoholic beast. Makes me sick to my stomach.
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Old 08-20-2014, 04:37 PM
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RocketQueen.....a flash of brillance!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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