How many chances?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 106
Either cancel or postpone that wedding date, there is still enough time to not lose any down payments and IF you've already got the dress, you will always have an option of using it at a later date or selling it. The longer you wait to do this,the more complicated it with get financially.
Separate all money accounts. It's just as easy to print out a budget and divide the expenses if you and he put the wedding back on the table (you pay for the cake bill,I'll pay for the flower bill etc). I've been married almost 25 years now and I haven't worked outside of the house for a greater part of those years and even I have my own separate bank account (basically a fair division of the total savings that he agreed to long ago). We did not have a joint account until several years after our marriage (we lived together 2 years prior to our marriage, we split the bills equally), and then it was only because I volunteered to takeover bill payments for everything with "our money". I pay bills from whichever account has more money.
Don't look for a new place just yet. You can offer to help him put his name on the lease and remove yours IF he wants to stay, but it is not his obligation to stay there and take over the payments if it's your name only on that lease. You may not want to live there,but you may be obligated to until the lease is up and you can move to a place you want (most leases are only 6 months to a year-plenty of time to find the perfect place whichever way it goes). This is grown-up world, step up and do what YOU have obligated yourself to by signing that lease alone to get where you want to be in the near future. It's a place to park your belongings, nothing more nothing less, learn to deal with and cope with the feelings you are attaching to it, it'll help you grow as a person in the long run. As for him taking it as an end to the relationship if you do not live together, he needs to focus solely on his sobriety,even married couples often live separately during a period of time deemed necessary for a healthy recovery for both.
As for telling friends and family, I assume you've not had any showers where you've gotten gifts yet, nor sent out invitations. A simple"we've decided to postpone" or "we've decided to cancel"is more than sufficient, you are under no obligation to share any more personal information than that and if asked or you feel pressured it is not necessary to go beyond "we couldn't work out our differences and I (or we) felt it best for both of us". YOU get to decide who to share it with and what you want to share with your trusted close friends and family,never feel pressured into telling what YOU may be uncomfortable sharing.
Just one old mama's advice (if I had a daughter in your shoes) and a few logical steps for you to utilize or ignor. Sometimes we get so overwhelmed and flustered when these life changing events happen that we forget the need to just slow down and start taking some steps towards a resolution regardless of what we may decide in the future. None of my suggestions mean you cannot marry him at a distant point in the future,it is only to get you to slow down now,take care of the complications NOW and then if you make a firm decision, or he doesn't actively seek sobriety with professional help on his own accord, you can continue forward with more focus on YOU and less on tying up lose ends. Either way,it benefits both of you whether he sees it that way or not.
Separate all money accounts. It's just as easy to print out a budget and divide the expenses if you and he put the wedding back on the table (you pay for the cake bill,I'll pay for the flower bill etc). I've been married almost 25 years now and I haven't worked outside of the house for a greater part of those years and even I have my own separate bank account (basically a fair division of the total savings that he agreed to long ago). We did not have a joint account until several years after our marriage (we lived together 2 years prior to our marriage, we split the bills equally), and then it was only because I volunteered to takeover bill payments for everything with "our money". I pay bills from whichever account has more money.
Don't look for a new place just yet. You can offer to help him put his name on the lease and remove yours IF he wants to stay, but it is not his obligation to stay there and take over the payments if it's your name only on that lease. You may not want to live there,but you may be obligated to until the lease is up and you can move to a place you want (most leases are only 6 months to a year-plenty of time to find the perfect place whichever way it goes). This is grown-up world, step up and do what YOU have obligated yourself to by signing that lease alone to get where you want to be in the near future. It's a place to park your belongings, nothing more nothing less, learn to deal with and cope with the feelings you are attaching to it, it'll help you grow as a person in the long run. As for him taking it as an end to the relationship if you do not live together, he needs to focus solely on his sobriety,even married couples often live separately during a period of time deemed necessary for a healthy recovery for both.
As for telling friends and family, I assume you've not had any showers where you've gotten gifts yet, nor sent out invitations. A simple"we've decided to postpone" or "we've decided to cancel"is more than sufficient, you are under no obligation to share any more personal information than that and if asked or you feel pressured it is not necessary to go beyond "we couldn't work out our differences and I (or we) felt it best for both of us". YOU get to decide who to share it with and what you want to share with your trusted close friends and family,never feel pressured into telling what YOU may be uncomfortable sharing.
Just one old mama's advice (if I had a daughter in your shoes) and a few logical steps for you to utilize or ignor. Sometimes we get so overwhelmed and flustered when these life changing events happen that we forget the need to just slow down and start taking some steps towards a resolution regardless of what we may decide in the future. None of my suggestions mean you cannot marry him at a distant point in the future,it is only to get you to slow down now,take care of the complications NOW and then if you make a firm decision, or he doesn't actively seek sobriety with professional help on his own accord, you can continue forward with more focus on YOU and less on tying up lose ends. Either way,it benefits both of you whether he sees it that way or not.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Sweetie, cut your losses and go. Even if he did sober up, 9 months isn't nearly long enough for him to show a real commitment to sobriety. And a major life change like marriage that soon out of the gate could give him the out he needs to go right back to drinking. But that's moot right now, as he's showing no signs of wanting recovery. Marrying this man won't make it better. And whatever you do, don't have children with him. At least until he has a good two years or so of sobriety under his belt. But again, that's moot right now. You deserve so much better than this.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
I just scrolled through every comment to tell you that he's not going to make it without professional help. My RAH is seeing a woman who is a recovered drug addict/alcoholic and he loves her, I love her and she's already said she loves me. lol She takes no crap from him and he knows it. If he misses, she's on his phone and mine. She is a blessing!
Your boyfriend needs to stay your boyfriend until he finds someone he can trust to help guide him through recovery for HIMSELF! There are no more tailgate parties, a cracked beer after work or a late night dinner date/drink. There is a long, healthy, productive life to live, full of life, love and happiness though. When you stop something, whether it's drugs, alcohol, smoking, cheating, whatever... you begin a new life by CHANGING. You don't think of what will be acceptable 9 months from now. I'm sorry but... he's not ready. This may hurt you to read but Mark my words, he'll find a reason to drink before you know it, especially since he's not got a recovery plan in place.
Your boyfriend needs to stay your boyfriend until he finds someone he can trust to help guide him through recovery for HIMSELF! There are no more tailgate parties, a cracked beer after work or a late night dinner date/drink. There is a long, healthy, productive life to live, full of life, love and happiness though. When you stop something, whether it's drugs, alcohol, smoking, cheating, whatever... you begin a new life by CHANGING. You don't think of what will be acceptable 9 months from now. I'm sorry but... he's not ready. This may hurt you to read but Mark my words, he'll find a reason to drink before you know it, especially since he's not got a recovery plan in place.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
You need to ask yourself if 5 years is worth a lifetime of hell for you?! You may not lose your virginity again but you can have firsts with a healthier man in the future!
If you stay with this man, you should prepare yourself for a lifetime of pain, beration from him towards you, outrageous bills, fines, incarceration, court cost, hospital bills, living paycheck to paycheck... insert your worst nightmare here! I promise you, they will come true!
5 years is NOTHING to a lifetime of Alcohell.
If you stay with this man, you should prepare yourself for a lifetime of pain, beration from him towards you, outrageous bills, fines, incarceration, court cost, hospital bills, living paycheck to paycheck... insert your worst nightmare here! I promise you, they will come true!
5 years is NOTHING to a lifetime of Alcohell.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Sydney, Australia
Posts: 27
Hi everyone,
Thanks for all of your replies, it's really helpful
Last night when I came home from work he was sitting at the dining table waiting for me looking very serious. I came in and gave him a kiss on the head like I usually do and I could see that he had been crying.
I sat down and he started saying things like, you mean so much to me, I love you so much, you are so giving and kind hearted and I don't deserve to be with you. I started crying at that point, if I'm honest it's because I knew what he was doing.
He continued with you only get this one life and I can see that you're unhappy and I can't guarantee that I'll be sober forever so you need to do what's best for you. He can be quite rational when he is sober.
We laid down together and he was just crying silently into my back, he's never been so soft toward me, maybe he knows this is the end.
Thanks for all of your replies, it's really helpful
Last night when I came home from work he was sitting at the dining table waiting for me looking very serious. I came in and gave him a kiss on the head like I usually do and I could see that he had been crying.
I sat down and he started saying things like, you mean so much to me, I love you so much, you are so giving and kind hearted and I don't deserve to be with you. I started crying at that point, if I'm honest it's because I knew what he was doing.
He continued with you only get this one life and I can see that you're unhappy and I can't guarantee that I'll be sober forever so you need to do what's best for you. He can be quite rational when he is sober.
We laid down together and he was just crying silently into my back, he's never been so soft toward me, maybe he knows this is the end.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 66
If I may be honest...if he's "letting you go" then run, quickly. It's very sad to lose someone you love so much but there is a extremely good chance of a lifetime of hurt and disappointment ahead if you stay together.
Or it's his way of manipulating you into wanting to stay with him by inducing FOG (fear-obligation-guilt)
Or it's his way of manipulating you into wanting to stay with him by inducing FOG (fear-obligation-guilt)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Sydney, Australia
Posts: 27
Thanks yensid,
I do not think he is manipulating me, I truly believe that he just wants me to be happy so that is the way I'm taking it.
Now the question is how heartless should I be? Do I cease all contact once and for all or do I stay in contact with him as a friend. We have history, we still love each other, it's hard to imagine no contact whatsoever.
I do not think he is manipulating me, I truly believe that he just wants me to be happy so that is the way I'm taking it.
Now the question is how heartless should I be? Do I cease all contact once and for all or do I stay in contact with him as a friend. We have history, we still love each other, it's hard to imagine no contact whatsoever.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Sounds all to familiar.......
Old time AA guy - Clancy I related a story about his first of many attempts at sobriety going to the program.
After the meeting, he went home - he wife asked him how it went.
Clancy said, it's a good group with a good plan - they want me to taper off. (paraphrasing)
Years later he got sober......for over 50 years....
Old time AA guy - Clancy I related a story about his first of many attempts at sobriety going to the program.
After the meeting, he went home - he wife asked him how it went.
Clancy said, it's a good group with a good plan - they want me to taper off. (paraphrasing)
Years later he got sober......for over 50 years....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Why leave if you're going to keep the friendship up? You'll just be back with him in a matter of days, weeks or a month. There will be no end to it because you'll not be able to bear being away and he'll guilt you back and you'll both start a new round.
Don't believe me? Go for it and be his friend.
Don't believe me? Go for it and be his friend.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Sydney, Australia
Posts: 27
BoxinRotz, thankyou for being frank, I needed that.
That is why I want to move out of this rental that I'm living in now, but the lease doesn't end until next March so if I choose to terminate the lease, it's going to be a cost of at least $2000 to me
Anyway, I guess it's something that has to happen.
I'm remembering a time last year after one of his drunken outbursts when I asked him what was more important to him, me or beer? And without a moments' hesitation, he replied beer. I guess I should've ran then.
That is why I want to move out of this rental that I'm living in now, but the lease doesn't end until next March so if I choose to terminate the lease, it's going to be a cost of at least $2000 to me
Anyway, I guess it's something that has to happen.
I'm remembering a time last year after one of his drunken outbursts when I asked him what was more important to him, me or beer? And without a moments' hesitation, he replied beer. I guess I should've ran then.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Originally Posted by feelsohelpless 
Thanks yensid,
I do not think he is manipulating me, I truly believe that he just wants me to be happy so that is the way I'm taking it.
Now the question is how heartless should I be? Do I cease all contact once and for all or do I stay in contact with him as a friend. We have history, we still love each other, it's hard to imagine no contact whatsoever.
I do not think he is manipulating me, I truly believe that he just wants me to be happy so that is the way I'm taking it.
Now the question is how heartless should I be? Do I cease all contact once and for all or do I stay in contact with him as a friend. We have history, we still love each other, it's hard to imagine no contact whatsoever.
It's almost impossible to remain close while trying to let go. Kind of unfair to the both of you.
I think a period of totally being away from each other for a long while before becoming friends is best. Usually you discover that you won't want to be friends like you once were.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Sydney, Australia
Posts: 27
Readerbaby71, he can move out of course, I make more than enough money to pay for rent, utilities etc...
The reason I want to move is that he has a sister who is 10 years older than me and huge who has never liked me. She has her own issues with anger and alcohol. One time when we were living with his parents, she waited until he went to work then came over, walked into the bedroom I was still sleeping in and started hitting and punching me.
Ever since then she has been "nice" to me on the surface but I'm scared that she'll come and abuse me more after he moves out.
He knows I am afraid of her and just keeps reassuring me that she's changed and she wouldn't do something like that, but I don't know.
The reason I want to move is that he has a sister who is 10 years older than me and huge who has never liked me. She has her own issues with anger and alcohol. One time when we were living with his parents, she waited until he went to work then came over, walked into the bedroom I was still sleeping in and started hitting and punching me.
Ever since then she has been "nice" to me on the surface but I'm scared that she'll come and abuse me more after he moves out.
He knows I am afraid of her and just keeps reassuring me that she's changed and she wouldn't do something like that, but I don't know.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
Oh my. Change the locks after he leaves and call the police. Get a restraining order if you have to. You should not have to leave your own home and shell out $2000 because of his ******* crazy sister. That is just horrible. Seriously, count your blessings that you are not going to become part of his dysfunctional family. Hang in there.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Sydney, Australia
Posts: 27
Yea I know, they're all f***** up in their own way. Anyway, he was just texting me on his lunch break and asked if it was over and I said it would be better if we spoke about this at home and he said he needed an answer now so I said I can't marry you. He just said ok. He asked if I could take the night off work because he didn't want to be at home alone tonight. I called my boss and asked her and she asked why so I told her the truth, she was very understanding.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Sydney, Australia
Posts: 27
Yea, she's crazy! And as readerbaby71 said, I'm glad I won't become part of that dysfunctional family. With an alcoholic father going through Alzheimer's, a sister with her own undiagnosed problems and his nieces and nephews have ADHD/Aspergers maybe it would've been a disaster of a life for me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Sydney, Australia
Posts: 27
I'm gonna feel so sorry for my dog aswell, even though I've had her since she was a pup before he was in the picture, she has started listening to him more than me, probably the deeper voice.
I know she will be heartbroken too. To her, he is "daddy" and she loves him
But then I just think how much harder it would be if it were an actual child.
What did you guys do when it came to your pets?
I know she will be heartbroken too. To her, he is "daddy" and she loves him
But then I just think how much harder it would be if it were an actual child.
What did you guys do when it came to your pets?
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