Mese

My husband has been drinking for almost 20 years. It got to the point last year that his drinking started causing seizures. In the mean time he made my life a living hell. Including abuse-both physical and verbal. He became very violent.

He finally decided he couldn't live this way anymore and agreed to go to rehab in March of this year and stayed sober for almost 5 months. These past few months have been wonderful! But He started drinking again on Sunday and hasn't let up since then. He has turned into his old drinking self including being mean to me. And I have become so frustrated and angry with him for doing this to me again.

I am going to my first Al-Anon meetings tomorrow and I know this will help me. But I don't know what to do. Do I leave? Do I stay? I am hoping someone on here that has been through this will help me! I am so lost as to what to do. Will he ever stop again? What do I do?? I am having a really hard time and would appreciate some advice!

Thank you!

Woodeye

If there is physical abuse, you must leave. Abusing alcohol is not an excuse for that behavior. Be safe.

amy55

Mese, hi and welcome to our terrific community here. I would suggest you call the DV hotline. He is being verbally and physically abusive 800-799-SAFE (7233). Know that you can always come here. We understand what you are going through. I was talking about the DV number for emergency or non emergency irl talk.

I think you should also stick around here.

amy55

I also want to say "bravo" to you that was a really big first step that you took. It takes a lot to finally tell someone what you are going through. We are listening and we do care, again, its a pleasure to have you as part of our community here.

Mese

Thank you! I am so confused and I already can see this is a great place! I appreciate your advice and help! I am scared and hope I find the courage soon to leave! I must for my safety! I am so happy I found this site!

amy55

you found family now, and friends now. You can talk about things. Let them out. We know, we understand. I know you are scared, just know that we just want you to do things at your own pace, what you feel comfortable with.

We can help you and answer many of the questions that you have running around in your head and causing you not to be able to sleep. Just ask us, someone here has gone through something similar.

((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

Mese

Thank you Amy! I feel like I can hope all I want to but he won't change for me! He has to decide that for himself. I just have to remember to take care of me too! Thank you again for your help and kind words!

smc92va

LEAVE- with someone who is physically abusive - I do not care what the reason is- this should not even be a question. Al-Anon will help you to start to love yourself again but in no way can it protect you from violence. I would get out, get out quickly before he does permanent physical harm to you and take any and a legal proceedings you need to to ensure your safety. Use the hotline given below, the police , whomever - but first and foremost get put and to a safe place. The cycle will repeat itself and it may do so with or without alcohol.

ladyscribbler

Leaving is hard, but it is easier than staying and knowing you should leave. If it is safe for you to take baby steps like getting important documents together and other necessities, that is something you can prepare in advance.
Alanon is a great program, but your safety needs to come first. There were things that I tried to do, like detachment, that actively put me in danger when I was living with my ex. It's fine now that we're away from him, but Alanon doesn't always have the answers for surviving in a domestic violence situation.
Stay safe and keep posting. We are here for you.

amy55

Mese,

I think that you can evaluate your situation better then we can. Read Ladyscribbler again. I would never want to advise you to do something that could endanger your life more.

If you don't feel safe in your house at the moment, leave immediately.

If you feel OK try to get the documents.

We are listening to you.

Mese

He hasn't been physically violent this time yet. I have been getting my important things together for the past two days. So I know I will be prepared to leave. I feel that baby steps are better because this is a big deal for me to leave. We have two dogs and I can't leave without them so planning must be involved! I appreciate all of your advice. It has brought me a little peace tonight! Thank you again.

Soberintexas007

So sorry to hear about your situation Mese. It must have been so disheartening for him to go to rehab and stay sober for 5 months, only to relapse. You must have been so heartbroken

I will be praying for you.

Mese

Thank you! Prayer is how I have made it this far! Hoping things get better soon! I feel better tonight after being able to talk freely about what I am going through!

amy55

Mese,

With the dogs, call the DV shelter, they may be able to place them temporarily

Mese

If I find his alcohol do I pour it out or just leave it? I poured it out last night & I found more tonight. I don't know what to do!

ladyscribbler

Just leave it alone. Focus on doing what you need to do to get away safely.

Another suggestion re the dogs. There was another thread earlier where someone mentioned that a friend of theirs had contacted PETA and gotten help transporting their animals during a move because they couldn't afford it.

amy55

Just know that there are years and years of experience here. We've been there, or on our way out, or trying to figure out how to get out, or just learning about what we are dealing with. Also sometimes trying to live with the situation.

From what you are saying here, you are trying to get your ducks in a row, so you can leave.

You will have the ups and the doubts, the honeymoon periods and the attack periods. You might go back and forth between acceptance and denial. I understand that. I just need you to keep coming back here, because you know what? I became so embarrassed that I wasn't moving fast enough for people on a different forum, that I stopped posting there. I isolated. It was the worst thing that I could do. You need to talk about these things, if you don't, you start to doubt your own reality at times.

Here for you.

smc92va

I will be sending you all the love and prayers of support in the world and I'm so glad you are getting your stuff together and I totally understand the need for baby steps but PLEASE put your safety first. I have a very good friend who is now physically disabled because she was slowly leaving and couldn't break away. Please, please know that above all else your life and safety should come first no matter how much you love him. There are great systems of support out there for women in most communities. And please keep posting her on SR - it has comforted me tremendously as has my Nar-Anon group. Stay strong and remember, safety and your well being first

Mese

I want to leave but I also love him as stupid as that sounds. I guess I just can't really believe this is happening again and I am kind of freaking out. I am just so upset that this is happening I am just trying to figure it out as I go. Thank you for your encouragement!

I guess I think I can help him while knowing deep down I can't! It really sucks!

amy55

It's normal that your feelings are being confused right now. It's acceptance v denial. I went through this. It's sometimes a fantasy of what you want, but it's hard to believe that it is only a fantasy. I didn't live in a dream world, so why should I have fantasies like that?

It was because the horror of what you are living through, is intermingled with the great person that you thought you married.

They are one and the same person. That is why we also get dragged back into these relationships. The good guy comes out, and you don't want to leave because your fantasy of him is being filled.

Then the bad guy comes out. You go numb. Become imobolized. Your in shock, just trying to survive. You start to get better, then wham, the good guy comes back out. You want to work things out again.

This can go on for years and years.

The last year I was with my ex I kept a calender. He was decent to me for 36 days out of the whole year. About 3 days a week. And those days I walked on eggshells, because I was afraid to set him off. I lived in a war zone.

Mese, I still love mine, but I love the person I fell in love with, not the person he is now. You can love from afar, and wish the person the best, and get out of the way of his own destruction.