closetcodie

AHs hearing was today and apparently he is still in jail because he refused to admit that he violated (how much can be disputed if he blew a .16 and was not supposed to consume alcohol?) I am trying so hard to just keep my mind elsewhere and go on with life, but I feel like I am breaking down. I just want to sleep and not have to face this pain. All day I am having to make myself go through the motions. Get up, you have to take a shower and go to work. Get up, you have to make dinner for the kids. Try to stop crying, the kids are getting upset. I feel myself sinking deeper and deeper into this dark place that I can't crawl out of. My family tells me to just snap out of it. I put everything into my marriage. Everything into loving a man with all of my heart, being honest and faithful. Everything into being a good mom and making a loving home. The last few years have been a living hell and I should be glad that he has left. I can't put my phone down though because I keep staring at it praying he will call. I feel like I can't do this anymore.

ladyscribbler

You're a good mom. This is hard but it will pass. Can you take the energy you were pouring into trying to help your husband and focus it on taking good care of yourself? Your kids need a healthy parent right now, so taking care of yourself will be good for them too.
Big hugs.

lillamy

Babe, you ARE a good mom. Marriage, however, takes two. And when the other party is more invested in an addiction than in the marriage, you can't fix that for both of you. It's impossible. There is NOTHING wrong with you. It's better to be the one who's betrayed than the one who betrays -- even if it hurts like hell right now.

You will need all that strength and love and energy to continue creating a loving, healthy home for you and the kids now -- without the distraction of addiction in the house.

CodeJob

Closetcodie,

Just thinking about you. I carried my marriage solo for way too long. I found a counselor very useful to unload some of these tangled emotions and anger.

Soberintexas007

"I can't put my phone down though because I keep staring at it praying he will call. I feel like I can't do this anymore."

I understand how you feel. I love my husband so much that I also could not imagine being without him. Even though there have been several times when he has been quacking, and I have told him to get out, like you, I still like to have him back. I am guessing that it will take you some time to grieve this loss, even though he was unhealthy in your life. You still did love him and you miss him.

closetcodie

I called the local mental health clinic today for an appointment, but the soonest opening they have is 3 weeks out. I feel sick today from anxiety. I know my AH and I know how insane and delusional he gets. The last call from him has me terrified. I have been told he is playing the victim card hard right now, saying that I harassed him to the point of breaking down. He doesn't care about our kids, so I can see him trying to do something to come after me right now. He called the police about 2 weeks ago and made up some unbelievable story about me. When the officer showed up the kids and I were home, where we had been for hours. I don't know the whole story that he gave him and I don't know if any report was filled out by AH. At the time, the officer was very nice and I assumed he realized AH was full of crap. Now it has me so worried.

ladyscribbler

Sounds like his legal and mental health issues are well documented at this point. I doubt he has as much power as he thinks he does. Also if he keeps it up, he can be charged with filing a false report.
When I made my first counseling appointment I also had a wait of several weeks, but I felt I needed help much sooner. That was when I started going to Alanon meetings, which had an enormously positive impact on my state of mind.

hopeful4

You are going through grief. You won't just "snap out of it," but it will get better if you let it. Make the appointment and in the mean time, stay on SR, go to Alanon, do all the things you can to get yourself support.

Tight hugs!

ShootingStar1

In the meantime until your appointment, try a bunch of different Alanon meetings. If you arrive a bit early, and speak to the leaders, they will find someone to talk directly to you, and the comfort of being able to speak freely and honestly to people who truly understand your situation is worth a million dollars. Since your family is urging you to "snap out of it", it would only seem fair that they babysit for you so you can get to the meetings.

And if its in the middle of the night, try calling the Good Samaritans or whatever other mental health line there is. I did that once, and when I said "I don't want to take up the phone line if someone who has real trouble is calling", they responded, "my dear, you DO have real trouble, and everyone who calls will get our help, including you."

There is a way out of this. Right now, just like at the ER, you need to get in the triage line and get immediate help and support. Over the long haul, you will heal and life will get much better.

There is a happy life out there for us all without the drama and tremendous chaos of living with addiction. After two years without my now XAH, I can attest to that.

Post here whenever you want and as often as you want - we've got your back.

ShootingStar1