How do you deal with white knuckle/dry drunk syndrome
torquemax777
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Montrose CO
Posts: 350
How do you deal with white knuckle/dry drunk syndrome
i was just curious what is the appropriate demeanor when dealing with an AH who is trying to deal with his alcoholism by "just not drinking?" If you have read my previous posts, I live in a place where the nearest AA, Al Anon, Celebrate Recovery etc.. is nearly 200 miles away. I even wonder if that's partially why he wanted to move here, so that he could use that excuse for not being able to seek help. He doesn't like AA anyway. He doesn't like that in AA they have become so "liberal" that your higher power can be anything from God to a lightbulb. He wants recovery at a place that Jesus Christ is the ONLY recognized higher power. That would be Celebrate Recovery. I have went with him a few times when we lived in CO, but the drawback to that, is they only meet once or twice a week (at least where we lived.)
Anyway, for the time being, it appears that the only thing he can do is "just not drink." I hate to say it, but it is almost worse than when he drinks! At least when he drinks he's somewhat happy. When he's "white knuckling" it, we both suffer. I compare it to living with a sulky, pouty, withdrawn, apathetic teenager. It becomes very awkward and uncomfortable even just sitting around the house. If I "detach" like I do when he is drinking, it's like a house with two zombies walking around in it. I was just curious what methods you all use when dealing with this issue? Thanks in advance!
Anyway, for the time being, it appears that the only thing he can do is "just not drink." I hate to say it, but it is almost worse than when he drinks! At least when he drinks he's somewhat happy. When he's "white knuckling" it, we both suffer. I compare it to living with a sulky, pouty, withdrawn, apathetic teenager. It becomes very awkward and uncomfortable even just sitting around the house. If I "detach" like I do when he is drinking, it's like a house with two zombies walking around in it. I was just curious what methods you all use when dealing with this issue? Thanks in advance!
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Alanon teaches "Detachment."
More specifically "Detachment with Love."
We sometimes joke around here that we would like to practice "Detachment with a Chainsaw."
But from what I have followed the Detachment term as used is sort of an Olde School way of saying "Distance."
Back in the day, I did Explosives with the Army -- We said "Distance = Safety." Stay outside the blast radius.
Now I do High Voltage projects. That stuff can reach out and touch you. Again -- "Distance = Safety."
Seems to work the same in this realm.
When you have an "Emotionally Dysregulating" (how is THAT for some fancy words, huh?) Alcoholic, Addict, Dry Drunk, or Mentally Ill person -- the first, best option for *us* seems to be to get some Distance -- for the Safety.
More specifically "Detachment with Love."
We sometimes joke around here that we would like to practice "Detachment with a Chainsaw."
But from what I have followed the Detachment term as used is sort of an Olde School way of saying "Distance."
Back in the day, I did Explosives with the Army -- We said "Distance = Safety." Stay outside the blast radius.
Now I do High Voltage projects. That stuff can reach out and touch you. Again -- "Distance = Safety."
Seems to work the same in this realm.
When you have an "Emotionally Dysregulating" (how is THAT for some fancy words, huh?) Alcoholic, Addict, Dry Drunk, or Mentally Ill person -- the first, best option for *us* seems to be to get some Distance -- for the Safety.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I have to walk away. I can't be around or it's too easy to engage. Luckily he can go tool around in his garage playing music or fiddling with projects & I can stay in my home office doing yoga or whatever. If he's in the house & I find the pressure intolerable I go for a walk.
And I disagree that it's the only thing he can do - if he wants recovery he will find it. Online meetings, readings, blogs, books, therapy, phone appts, etc. Help is out there if he chooses to go looking for it. You found us, didn't you?
And I disagree that it's the only thing he can do - if he wants recovery he will find it. Online meetings, readings, blogs, books, therapy, phone appts, etc. Help is out there if he chooses to go looking for it. You found us, didn't you?
torquemax777
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Montrose CO
Posts: 350
when he is not drinking, it feels like we are both "detaching" and nothing is getting accomplished. When he is drinking and I detach, I can see that it is effecting him negatively.... It just appears that detaching only works when he is drinking???
torquemax777
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Montrose CO
Posts: 350
Books might work!!! he despises technology, believes it is the anti-Christ incarnate! He even "quacks" about me being just as addicted to the computer as he is to booze. My response to that is, "if my husband was 'available' to me the way he should be, my online time would probably be significantly reduced. But as it stands now, I have to have something/someone." KAH!! It's so frustrating! Living in this 27 foot camper limits my ability to "disappear." I have been going out in the woods a lot, but even that gets old at times and won't work this coming winter. I guess I will just have to suck it up until I get a job and save enough money to get out.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by torquemax777 
when he is not drinking, it feels like we are both "detaching" and nothing is getting accomplished. When he is drinking and I detach, I can see that it is effecting him negatively.... It just appears that detaching only works when he is drinking???
It's only a temporary solution when the stress of the situation is running very high, kinda like an adult time-out.
torquemax777
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Montrose CO
Posts: 350
Maybe I misunderstood how detachment works. I thought that alcoholics had to have negative consequences and be uncomfortable in order to maybe/possibly want to quit. I thought detachment was one of those forms of providing him with a negative consequence. I must have it all wrong then. If it's for my benefit, I wouldn't be avoiding even talking about the weather or the dogs or my day like I have been. I thought detaching was basically ignoring him and not even making small talk. It is an effort; and if it's for my benefit, it sure feels more like a punishment. However, if I do make small talk or whatever when he's sober, it's like the "bad crap" of his drinking is just sorta swept under the rug. I don't want to give off the impression that I am condoning his drinking by just being sweet and talkitive when he's sober like nothing happened... But the detachment while he is sober, feels a little like I am the one pouting and sulking.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Yeah, I have to make my husband leave and then sometimes I have to turn my phone off after the leaves and then if possible I need to do something active so that I can stop thinking of all the stuff I'd like to yell at him.
For example, I hung up on my husband a few times last night and then he would call me right back and we'd be nasty and mean to each other again until I'd hang up on him again, and on and on that went. Detaching is the ability to say goodbye and not answer when they call you back. I have a REALLY difficult time not engaging when we're actually with each other. For me, detachment is the ability to see a situation that you don't want to be a part of and just walk away from it. OH! It's kind of like the saying "if all of your friends jumped off a bridge, would you do it too?" My husband keeps jumping off of bridges and I willingly keep following him over the edge. If I detached I would just recognize that jumping off of bridges is crazy and just back away slowly.
For example, I hung up on my husband a few times last night and then he would call me right back and we'd be nasty and mean to each other again until I'd hang up on him again, and on and on that went. Detaching is the ability to say goodbye and not answer when they call you back. I have a REALLY difficult time not engaging when we're actually with each other. For me, detachment is the ability to see a situation that you don't want to be a part of and just walk away from it. OH! It's kind of like the saying "if all of your friends jumped off a bridge, would you do it too?" My husband keeps jumping off of bridges and I willingly keep following him over the edge. If I detached I would just recognize that jumping off of bridges is crazy and just back away slowly.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
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Originally Posted by torquemax777
i was just curious what is the appropriate demeanor when dealing with an AH who is trying to deal with his alcoholism by "just not drinking?" If you have read my previous posts, I live in a place where the nearest AA, Al Anon, Celebrate Recovery etc.. is nearly 200 miles away. I even wonder if that's partially why he wanted to move here, so that he could use that excuse for not being able to seek help. He doesn't like AA anyway. He doesn't like that in AA they have become so "liberal" that your higher power can be anything from God to a lightbulb. He wants recovery at a place that Jesus Christ is the ONLY recognized higher power. That would be Celebrate Recovery. I have went with him a few times when we lived in CO, but the drawback to that, is they only meet once or twice a week (at least where we lived.)
Anyway, for the time being, it appears that the only thing he can do is "just not drink." I hate to say it, but it is almost worse than when he drinks! At least when he drinks he's somewhat happy. When he's "white knuckling" it, we both suffer. I compare it to living with a sulky, pouty, withdrawn, apathetic teenager. It becomes very awkward and uncomfortable even just sitting around the house. If I "detach" like I do when he is drinking, it's like a house with two zombies walking around in it. I was just curious what methods you all use when dealing with this issue? Thanks in advance!
Anyway, for the time being, it appears that the only thing he can do is "just not drink." I hate to say it, but it is almost worse than when he drinks! At least when he drinks he's somewhat happy. When he's "white knuckling" it, we both suffer. I compare it to living with a sulky, pouty, withdrawn, apathetic teenager. It becomes very awkward and uncomfortable even just sitting around the house. If I "detach" like I do when he is drinking, it's like a house with two zombies walking around in it. I was just curious what methods you all use when dealing with this issue? Thanks in advance!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Maybe I misunderstood how detachment works. I thought that alcoholics had to have negative consequences and be uncomfortable in order to maybe/possibly want to quit. I thought detachment was one of those forms of providing him with a negative consequence
detachment is not a form of punishment. WE detach from THEM so that what they do doesn't have such a strong impact upon us. we quit thinking WE can solve this, fix this, cure this. we quit taking what they do so dang personal. we do our best to stay in our own hula hoop. live and let live.
as codependents we, for lack of a better metaphor, become like ticks on dogs. dug in deep. more a part of THEM then of our own selves. we breathe their air, think their thoughts, plan their futures, plot their demise. and in doing so we lose ourselves.
detachment is not a form of punishment. WE detach from THEM so that what they do doesn't have such a strong impact upon us. we quit thinking WE can solve this, fix this, cure this. we quit taking what they do so dang personal. we do our best to stay in our own hula hoop. live and let live.
as codependents we, for lack of a better metaphor, become like ticks on dogs. dug in deep. more a part of THEM then of our own selves. we breathe their air, think their thoughts, plan their futures, plot their demise. and in doing so we lose ourselves.
torquemax777
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Montrose CO
Posts: 350
yeah, I guess it just seems like detaching when he's not drinking is somewhat like we are both giving each other the silent treatment....but like I said, I don't want to act like everything is all hunky dory either.... I wish I had a hobby. Nothing seems to interest me; particularly not "girly hobbies" like knitting or sewing, actually, I have never had have a real hobby even before I was ever married to anyone. I have thought for hours and it's always like, "Nahhh" on everything! PLUS, they cost money that I should be saving to leave....
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 16
Been reading these with interest; I realised that my STBXAH is an archetypal dry drunk. Not drinking at the moment, (sober about a month so far this time) he's been going to AA for the best part of 8-9 years, and really only pays lip service to the AA philosophy. Has never really contributed, followed the steps, or seriously taken a sponsor. He is so off program it defies belief. When he's not drinking, he's still emotionally abusive, angry and volatile but in a way that is completely unpredictable. I sympathise with others here who have said that it's almost worse than when they are drinking.
We are divorcing, so I know it's transient and I won't have to deal with this for ever, but until then, it's dreadful. Always on pins and like walking on eggshells for fear of saying the wrong thing that will set off a tirade of abuse or worse still, have him flounce off to the pub and then blame me saying that I 'drove him to drink'.
Today is became clear that he had missed a court deadline and that was my fault for not telling him that he needed to read and act upon his own mail. Even sober, he takes no responsibility for himself or his own actions.
I confess I'm running out of steam a little, and running out of the headspace to deal with the endless abusive rantings. And I feel like I'm internalising so much of this stuff that sooner or later it'd will come back to bite me.
Does anyone have any good tips on dealing with the dry drunk? I know it will soon be over, but the months between now and then feel like the promise of hell on earth.
Thanks in advance! Xx
We are divorcing, so I know it's transient and I won't have to deal with this for ever, but until then, it's dreadful. Always on pins and like walking on eggshells for fear of saying the wrong thing that will set off a tirade of abuse or worse still, have him flounce off to the pub and then blame me saying that I 'drove him to drink'.
Today is became clear that he had missed a court deadline and that was my fault for not telling him that he needed to read and act upon his own mail. Even sober, he takes no responsibility for himself or his own actions.
I confess I'm running out of steam a little, and running out of the headspace to deal with the endless abusive rantings. And I feel like I'm internalising so much of this stuff that sooner or later it'd will come back to bite me.
Does anyone have any good tips on dealing with the dry drunk? I know it will soon be over, but the months between now and then feel like the promise of hell on earth.
Thanks in advance! Xx
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