Cheating, beating or alcohol...
 

Weird title, I know but here is my question. WHY??? if the spouse cheats, people say "get out" no need to put up with that! If the spouse beats you, they say "get out" no need to put up with that!

BUT....if you say, I left because he is an alcoholic, they look at you like you must be crazy!! Why do I feel the need to defend my feelings about living with an alcoholic? And honestly why do I have to?

It must be because alcohol is so readily available and abused by so many because I cannot think of another reason why it is so taboo to be the one to walk out on one.

AH traits: he IS a great provider, hard worker etc. He was a good father, still is to an extent but I shudder to think of the damage we have caused our children (now grown). He has never hit me in any way, but I know that words can hurt and damage just as much as a fist. He has never cheated (that I am aware of) other than with his one true love: BEER.

Sometimes I truly wish that he would cheat on me or slap me because then I could say, "See, this is a good reason to leave". It would be easier to leave because then I would feel like HE made the choice instead of me. I spend so much time questioning weather or not I have done enough to keep this together, but deep down, I know. I think we all do we just keep hanging on to the dream.

Anyway, thanks for letting me rant.

JMHO but I think it's a lot to do with what society as a whole finds acceptable. Since people are largely uninformed about addiction unless it touches their lives intimately or they work in that field, they simply don't understand how intolerable it is. They often don't know the difference between an alcoholic & a normal drinker.

For those of us that were raised by alcoholic parents it's easy to accept it as "normal" because the foundation of our entire lives is built on it in one way or another. Sometimes you simply don't know any better because you haven't been exposed to any better. Lack of education & support.

OTOH - cheaters & abusers are not largely tolerated & those scars are visible & more obvious. No one questions why anyone would leave a relationship with that dysfunction, they wonder why you stayed so long.

Wow Loosing...I never looked at it like that, you're absolutely right! Very interesting observation.

My counselor told me that if any relationship has any one of the three A's, you ought to pat yourself on the back on your way out the door. They are a cancer, and nothing will ever be OK within the union until the A's are gone from it and dealt with.

(Abuse, Adultery, and Addiction.)

I have had this attitude to. One friend said x wasn't an alcoholic. He was alcohol dependent. To me the upshot was the same.I felt like it was trivialising how he was with me tho. My life was a nightmare. Now he not trying any more I have realised he is actually a very hard, nasty man with a selfish agenda. He even speaks in a different tone to me now he got nothing left to lose. However he's still Mr Charmer around others. I don't care. No one knows what it's like unless they have walked in our shoes. Thousands divorce people who are not alcoholics, beaters or cheaters too.

"Why" is irrelevant. It only matters what is and what you do about it. I wasted a lot of time trying to figure out reasons. In the end he was a toxic drunk and I had to leave.

what People....who are They? and why do you feel the need to explain why you left or feel any shame in doing so? see that isn't really a THEM problem....that's an US worried too much about what others think problem!

to thine ownself be true.

This is more or less what my counselor explained to me. Usually it's more me worrying about what other people think than anyone actually putting me on the spot.

You don't have to defend your reasons.

I would say because of ignorance. Let them live your life for a while. Only you know what it feels like being in your own skin. Just because he does not cheat or beat does not mean that you have to be happy with him drinking and choosing alcohol over you, which in my book is cheating. And bad words are sometimes worse than a kick.

loosingmymind...I feel like you wrote exactly what I've been thinking. I made the decision to divorce last week. I don't regret it. {hugs}

Oh wow do I get this. I have said to myself AND to AH multiple times that I wish he would just cheat on me or hit me, that it would make my life so much easier. I put up with it this long because I was taught that divorce is usually never an option. The only reason I haven't contacted an attorney at this point is because he's agreed to rehab but I am also trying to be real with my expectations. I can't and won't live like this again. If he blows this, I'm done. For real this time.

I had that same feeling. There were no physical scars that people could see but there are emotional and mental scars. My XABF used to say, "Well, everybody drinks" and if you look at the society now - it is kind of true. Binge drinking happens so much and the weekend seems to be about getting as drunk as possible.
Really though, you don't have to validate your reasons for leaving him. You were unhappy and some people leave because of that alone! But the things he said were reason enough too. You should never have to justify yourself to anyone, and if I were you, I wouldn't. Nowadays, I tell people that my XABF had an alcohol and drug problem and that's why I left. And I have never been questioned further about it.