The Long Road to Acceptance
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 224
The Long Road to Acceptance
I have been wanting to post on here for a few days now. Nothing new has really happened that calls for me to reach out for guidance and support. I have been satisfied to post and support others and have seen several similar posts to what I have to say, so here it goes.
I am now in week 7 of the breakup. There have been ups and downs and contact and missteps, but as of yesterday, I have a full week of no contact, except for a brief telephone call that I answered about a reasonable neighbor request. In that call, he attempted to be charming and acted interested in what is going on with me. I did not acknowledge the friendly banter but simply answered his question about using my mailbox to leave his extra set of keys for the landlord to pick up, since his mailbox is a simple slot in his door. I then politely said good-bye and hung up.
I felt proud of myself for not engaging. I have changed my routine so that I have not had to run into him. The other day, I was leaving my courtyard to walk my dog when I saw him pull up, so I waited until I was sure he was in his house before opening my gate. I am proud of myself for making that decision and not engaging him.
He is leaving in a day or two for a two week tour in Finland/Denmark, so I know that I will have peace to continue to recover and heal without the concern of seeing him everyday. This close proximity has made it harder. I know when he is home, when he is gone and no matter how hard I try, I still note his coming and goings.
I have walked through the last few months of our relationship from so many perspectives- anger, fear, sadness, self blame, and with peace in my heart. I know the stages of grief and have cycled through them again and again, coming to acceptance repeatedly only to find that I am still not quite done with the pain and sadness that the empty places of my life that remain vacant with his departure have left me with. I lived in the good memories for some time, tears falling hourly as the loss brought about deep sobs.
I have begun to explore my city again, this time without him, and have begun to see it as separate from our togetherness. Perhaps it isn't such a lonely place after all. As I process, I have realized how much blame I took for the ending of our relationship. After all, at the end, I did blow up and raged at him when we returned from Switzerland where he binged and raged for days on end. I saw things in Switzerland that were beyond disturbing and his disregard for how his actions impacted me ignited such hostility and aggression that I exploded. So, when we were able to finally sit down calmly and I think soberly- he refused to moderate, to be financially responsible, and I felt blame. Somewhere deep inside, I thought that if I had responded differently, if I had come at him from a place of adult respect and civility that perhaps it would have been different- perhaps he would have wanted to try to get better, perhaps he would have realized that he loved me and that our relationship was worth fighting for...
Acceptance is about understanding my own flaws but realizing the truth. The truth was that he had abandoned me for alcohol well before our trip to Switzerland- that was just his unleashing and obvious disregard for what I witnessed and experienced. He must then blame me for what he can and cannot remember so that he can continue on his path without having to process or feel the blame.
Acceptance is about letting go of my obsessive concern for what he is doing, so that I can concentrate on myself. I don't ever want to be that enraged again, and acceptance is about learning to have better boundaries so that I don't get to that point in the future with another human being. Acceptance is also about loving myself first. Making better decisions. Not ignoring the red flags. Finding that my happiness comes from me and is not dependent on another person's feelings/actions/or love for me.
It is such a slow process- this healing. I continue to read through the posts here and know that I am one of the lucky ones, in terms of getting out sooner than later. I appreciate every post that allows us to look inside each other's hell and realize that we are not alone and that we can all do this in our own ways. For me, it about letting go of what I thought was the beginning of the rest of my life with an amazing man. Letting go of his world and my place in it. Letting go of the plans for a future together, moving in together, have a commitment ceremony next year with all of friends and family to witness. Realizing that those hopes for the future were rosy reflections of my imagination and had little to do with what the reality would have been...
Acceptance is also about learning what I really want from myself and a possible future companion. I also have fear, because I just turned 38 and for some reason, this age is hitting me hard- so long are the days of my youth and time seems so much more precious now. I no longer have the play of time to invest in a dysfunctional person. So, I attend my Al-Anon meetings to learn healthier thinking. I realize that almost every man I have dated has been very dysfunctional, it just took me some time to get to one that was an alcoholic like my mother, but they have all had the same emotional unavailability at the end of the day.
Acceptance is about learning that I have my own work to do. But, dang it if I still don't miss him and what seemed promised to us once upon a time.
I am now in week 7 of the breakup. There have been ups and downs and contact and missteps, but as of yesterday, I have a full week of no contact, except for a brief telephone call that I answered about a reasonable neighbor request. In that call, he attempted to be charming and acted interested in what is going on with me. I did not acknowledge the friendly banter but simply answered his question about using my mailbox to leave his extra set of keys for the landlord to pick up, since his mailbox is a simple slot in his door. I then politely said good-bye and hung up.
I felt proud of myself for not engaging. I have changed my routine so that I have not had to run into him. The other day, I was leaving my courtyard to walk my dog when I saw him pull up, so I waited until I was sure he was in his house before opening my gate. I am proud of myself for making that decision and not engaging him.
He is leaving in a day or two for a two week tour in Finland/Denmark, so I know that I will have peace to continue to recover and heal without the concern of seeing him everyday. This close proximity has made it harder. I know when he is home, when he is gone and no matter how hard I try, I still note his coming and goings.
I have walked through the last few months of our relationship from so many perspectives- anger, fear, sadness, self blame, and with peace in my heart. I know the stages of grief and have cycled through them again and again, coming to acceptance repeatedly only to find that I am still not quite done with the pain and sadness that the empty places of my life that remain vacant with his departure have left me with. I lived in the good memories for some time, tears falling hourly as the loss brought about deep sobs.
I have begun to explore my city again, this time without him, and have begun to see it as separate from our togetherness. Perhaps it isn't such a lonely place after all. As I process, I have realized how much blame I took for the ending of our relationship. After all, at the end, I did blow up and raged at him when we returned from Switzerland where he binged and raged for days on end. I saw things in Switzerland that were beyond disturbing and his disregard for how his actions impacted me ignited such hostility and aggression that I exploded. So, when we were able to finally sit down calmly and I think soberly- he refused to moderate, to be financially responsible, and I felt blame. Somewhere deep inside, I thought that if I had responded differently, if I had come at him from a place of adult respect and civility that perhaps it would have been different- perhaps he would have wanted to try to get better, perhaps he would have realized that he loved me and that our relationship was worth fighting for...
Acceptance is about understanding my own flaws but realizing the truth. The truth was that he had abandoned me for alcohol well before our trip to Switzerland- that was just his unleashing and obvious disregard for what I witnessed and experienced. He must then blame me for what he can and cannot remember so that he can continue on his path without having to process or feel the blame.
Acceptance is about letting go of my obsessive concern for what he is doing, so that I can concentrate on myself. I don't ever want to be that enraged again, and acceptance is about learning to have better boundaries so that I don't get to that point in the future with another human being. Acceptance is also about loving myself first. Making better decisions. Not ignoring the red flags. Finding that my happiness comes from me and is not dependent on another person's feelings/actions/or love for me.
It is such a slow process- this healing. I continue to read through the posts here and know that I am one of the lucky ones, in terms of getting out sooner than later. I appreciate every post that allows us to look inside each other's hell and realize that we are not alone and that we can all do this in our own ways. For me, it about letting go of what I thought was the beginning of the rest of my life with an amazing man. Letting go of his world and my place in it. Letting go of the plans for a future together, moving in together, have a commitment ceremony next year with all of friends and family to witness. Realizing that those hopes for the future were rosy reflections of my imagination and had little to do with what the reality would have been...
Acceptance is also about learning what I really want from myself and a possible future companion. I also have fear, because I just turned 38 and for some reason, this age is hitting me hard- so long are the days of my youth and time seems so much more precious now. I no longer have the play of time to invest in a dysfunctional person. So, I attend my Al-Anon meetings to learn healthier thinking. I realize that almost every man I have dated has been very dysfunctional, it just took me some time to get to one that was an alcoholic like my mother, but they have all had the same emotional unavailability at the end of the day.
Acceptance is about learning that I have my own work to do. But, dang it if I still don't miss him and what seemed promised to us once upon a time.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
It's a process and you're on the right path. For me it was two steps forward, one step back. What was necessary was total honesty with myself about my motives. I had to always keep in mind that I'm prone to denial and rationalization; talking to another Codependent helped me keep on track. Just keep on keeping on.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 224
Thanks everyone. Yes NYC- with him so close, I have to question my motives for everything...I know that he leaves the house for work on Sundays around 10 AM. I found myself coming home from a bike ride a few weeks ago was kind of circling our neighborhood at about 9:30. I sort of mentally shook myself and headed inside...I knew it was healthier to avoid him rather than try to be outside when he was leaving... baby steps!!!!
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