Abrero

Hello,
I decided to join this site and post here today because I feel like I can't talk to people about these things. My mother is an alcoholic, and has been for about 8 years, however it could have been going on before this as I may have been too young to realise. She drinks daily at any and all times of the day and anything from beer to alcohols and wine and straight spirits like vodka. She can become violent and moody after drinking or can get giddy and silly. I am currently at university but everytime I go home for the holidays I put up with this. She is dating a man who doesn't seem to care much at the moment and my parents are divorced, my father is brilliant but doesn't know about mother's problem as my sister and I have never wanted to tell him. My sister doesn't live with my mother and doesn't like to talk about the problem and I feel bad if I bring it up to her at the moment as she is heavily pregnant. But when I last saw my mum her eyes looked quite yellow which worried me, she has also lost loads of weight and barely eats, she gets shakey and keeps getting cramps in her hands and feet, she's occasionally lost control of her bowels and is needing to urinate very frequently. She's very depressed and threatens to kill herself sometimes. The problem I have at the minute is not knowing how serious her condition is as she won't go to the doctors to get anything checked as she is in denial. I've tried my hardest to get her to go but with no luck. I constantly worry about her and feel like it's taking over my life and always getting me down. I also have some horrible thoughts sometimes which I then feel awful for thinking about her but I just don't really know how to handle the situation anymore. As silly as it probably sounds I feel like I'm trying to tread the water but my head just keeps getting pulled back under. Any advice or even just to tell me you've felt the same is appreciated. Thanks.

torquemax777

I am so very sorry that you are dealing with this. Our parents (particularly our mothers) should be guiding us through life; even if you are grown up and in college. Sadly, though I am not an alcoholic, choosing to stay with a husband who is, has prevented me for being there for my own daughters as much as a should have. It's true what they say about it being a "family disease." Though I have to admit, I struggle a lot with the "disease" aspect; it still seems like more of a "choice" but anyway, I'm not sure how it works, but I am thinking there are ways to "commit" someone and have them forcefully made to go to a doctor or hospital. I know that it's supposed to be their own choice, but if they are physically ill and showing signs of liver damage, they are a "harm to themselves and others" it seems like that is more of a legal issue at that point and could fall under that category. I don't know, but I do wonder if you could take some steps like that to call Health and Human Services or one of those places. I just pray that you take care of yourself and remember that this is not your problem, and you didn't cause it! God Bless Please Please take care of you!

FeelingGreat

Hi Abrero, I can understand why you're so worried, especially as she refuses to go to the doctor. You've already found out you can't stop her or even slow her down. It's a very hard truth to accept, that she is probably going to continue until there is some kind of crisis, probably a medical one she can't ignore.
I come to this from 2 angles, I used to drink way too much myself, and my sister went through a period where she was drinking heavily. Sometimes you can stop by yourself (I did) and other times it takes a change in circumstances (which slowed my sister down).
Sadly because your mother is in denial she might never attempt to stop until there is an acute crisis.
There is plenty of reputable information on the www. I suggest you read up as much as you can, especially about the affects on the family. Amazon is also a great resource - the list of books is endless. Learning as much as you can about alcoholism will help. Take advantage of student counsellors available at uni, and think about attending Alanon, which is for the families of alcoholics. Look after yourself.

Abrero

Thank you both. It's nice being away from her as horrible as it sounds. I just feel anxious a lot of the time about what I'll hear next. Her boyfriend always tells me what's going on with her, which he may mean in a nice way but honestly I'd rather not know every detail while I'm not there as there's nothing I can do to help from 107 miles away.
I'm in England, and unfortunately here I don't think there is any way to get a doctor to see her without her wanting it. It's very frustrating, but I've come to terms with the fact that she will likely always drink and that I can't change that about her.
I do try to put it to the back of my mind sometimes, but I always find myself feeling anxious about it, and I always get that horrible anxious sinking feeling when I see a message from her boyfriend or when she rings me as I know it's usually just something that won't be nice to hear.
Thank you for replying

FeelingGreat

It's the same pretty much everywhere Abrero, which is why it often takes a health crisis before the person hits the medical system. No doubt she's afraid of what they'll find. You'll see lots of posts on SR from people in the same situation who are scared to go to the doctor.
You do have the option to ask her BF not to confide in you because it's too stressful. Ditto with her - you love her but unless she gets help there's nothing you can do. Drunk dialling is out - you don't have to listen to it, and you can say so.