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Venting--Heartbroken--Confused

Old 08-18-2014, 08:45 PM
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Venting--Heartbroken--Confused

Oh where do I start? I met my (now)Ex-ABF two and a half years ago. Less than a month into our relationship, he went to prison for a 27mo term. Served 8 months in town (I visited him about 3-4 times a week) and we got to know each other. I was his girlfriend, but obviously nothing serious since we couldn't actually be together.

After he left state, he was gone 11 months (federal relocation). Came back to a HWH for about 3.5mo. It was amazing. I was so happy he was home. He moved into a friend of a friend, but that ended badly. Moved in with another friend, and I'm finding out now that's when he started using. He bounced around house to house until a sister moved to town, and he started living there.

Throughout our entire relationship, I lived about 60 miles away. After he got home, I was with him every weekend. I left after New Year's for a job for until the end of April. I'm now thankful I never moved into town with him, because it would have been only for him (I couldn't afford it on my own).

When I was gone for work, he told me he loved me for the first time. We talked about moving in together. I told him I couldn't afford it, but if he got a job (he had recently lost his after 7 or so months). When I got home, he said he wanted to marry me. Talked about having kids.



I knew about my A's past addictions, and perhaps mental illness (manic-depression i.e., bipolar). DOC is crystal meth. Used everything under the sun, except crack is what I've been told.

A's got a lot of addiction in the family. Both parents. Siblings. He's been in and out of institutions his whole life. I knew all this. I still fell in love with him. He's my first boyfriend. My first lover. My first everything. Sometimes I wonder if this is why my feelings are so strong. He is about the exact opposite when it comes to our "number"--he's been with a lot of women, but won't say how many.

I guess it shouldn't have been a surprise. I had him come do some work on a friend's house, and it didn't end very well. The last day, I guess he wasn't concentrating too much, and the friend was a little disappointed with the time it took at the end of the job. I think ABF felt "set-up" by me, because I arranged the job. Really, he needed money and my friend needed work.

After I took him home, he said he wanted to be alone, didn't want to see anybody. Nobody. He often said sometimes he disappears for a few days to "get away" but he hadn't really done it before. I know now that's code for "getting high." He ended up disappearing on me for over a week. Not from the world, but from me.

I'd gotten close with his older sister--not the one he lived with--and was at her house when he called and said to meet him. Eventually he showed up, and broke up with me. It was just a matter of formality at the time. I know we were over.

He ended up getting picked up on a violation later that week. Sat in jail for two weeks. He's now in an inpatient rehab facility for 90 or so days (up to him--needs more time he can have it; if he gives up they will to; if he runs, back to jail once they catch him).

Now that he's been clean, I'm finding more and more out about our relationship. I'm very close with his family. No one told me he was using. He told me he started when he moved into the friends house back in December. He told someone else it was when he got out of the HWH. If I had to guess, I would say the HFH because our relationship changed around that time. That's when he started telling me I had an attitude. Started being short on money. Started being grouchy when the weekend was over and I'd head home for the week. Stopped having sex. Started dodging questions. Started acting sneaky. I started to lose trust.

He has a child who he lost custody of. He got out of HWH around his child's birthday. I figured those two were closely related, but I didn't add drugs into the equation until recently.

He cheated on me. Twice I know about. Once he told me--the day before he broke up with me. Slept with a girl that was supplying him money and drugs. He said he felt obligated. Whatever that means. (Side note: two others he lived with were using. Heroin mostly. IV.)

The other, I'm not sure he knows I know about. Someone told me out of courtesy to hope that I get tested for health because he got an STD. (Yes, I'm clean.)

He said I broke him when he asked for money and I sent him enough for a gallon of gas. Not the 20-30 I would normally send. Enough for 1 gallon of gas because he said they ran out (he was with the other two users. Oh yeah, this was after he broke up with me). Said he was crying all night because I don't trust him. That part is true, though according to his friends.

I went to see him in jail right before he went to rehab. He had a friend call and say don't go see him. I said why, who is? No answer. So I pulled into the jail parking lot. I was literally pulling in as I was getting told not to go. Lo and behold, the girl he slept with for drugs was the one visiting him. That was it.

I texted her and said I was done. "You win. You can have A." That set him off. I said I told you a long time ago, I'm not fighting over you. Later I found out about the other girl. It almost didn't even matter anymore because I was so shattered. I never thought I would be the one that would have someone cheat on me.

A little about me. Never smoked (except a hookah--once!). Only drink on rare occasion. No drugs. No pot. That's it. If you told me I couldn't ever drink again, no problem. One parent in recovery (as long as I've been alive). So I have a good model of sobriety in my life. I have a good state job. College degree. A lot more people than I care to say have asked how we ended up being together. Including his family. That makes me sad.

I saw this quote once, from the author of Eat, Pray, Love. I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.

I feel like that's how I was about A. I always see the best in him. I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I feel like I lost my best friend.

I started going to Alanon. Naranon. NA. I know I can work on myself. I know there's things I should have/should not have done. Shouldn't have sent him money for license after getting pulled over (I was scared he was going to go back to jail). Shouldn't have given him money for rent (didn't want him going back to HWH). Shouldn't have paid his phone bill (so I could still talk to him).

Either way, our relationship is changing. I don't know if we have anything left to piece together.

A few days ago, he called. I had to get a ghost line for him to call (my cell is long distance), but it was after the suggestion of his counselor. Actually, I was told to get a calling card, but those are expensive. Anyways, he asked for some work out supplements. I said I would get them for him. Then when it came to how I was going to deliver them, he said they had to come through the window--can't be dropped off. I backed off. Nope. Not sneaking things in there. He said he can have them--they're not banned--but hasn't gotten Dr. approval. I held my ground. I am uncomfortable with sneaking stuff to him. He got mad. Said never mind, someone else will buy them for him. About 15 minutes later, he called back. Asked if I would send his brother money. Nope. Sorry.

Now I have to wait for him to call me. Don't know if he will. This is hell.

He was mad after I texted that girl she won. Yelled at me that we were done. He had never spoken like that to me before. He apologized later. Said he wanted me. Wanted me to be the one he wanted to go through this with. He needed support. A friend. It was going to be hard because there's feelings. He loves me. He's in love with me.

I don't know if I can believe any of it.

We weren't married. We don't have kids. We have no obligation to one another. But after the fight about the work out stuff, his sister said something that made me think. He broke up with me. He doesn't get the privileges of being with me. Right? I don't know anymore.

There are two things I'm struggling with most:

1) If I stuck by him in jail--why wouldn't I stick by him now?

2) You hear people say "he/she wouldn't do this if it weren't for the drugs." "The drugs made them do it." Ok. So let's take the cheating, the stealing, the sneaking, the lying, the hiding, and put that all in a pile and say it was the drugs.

What about the good stuff? When he said he loved me. When he said he wanted to marry me. When he said he wanted to wake up next to me every day?

That brings me back to number one. I never thought cheating was a reason to break up--by that I mean if there's cheating, there's a bigger problem. But now that it's happened to me, I wonder what was I thinking? I wish it were just the drugs. He said he broke up with me before he brought me down. Before I had to do another jail bid with him (I had told him I wouldn't). Said he was protecting me. Well. What about the girl he slept with a MONTH before? Not the day before when we were essentially over. I don't get it.

I hate this.

For those of you still reading, thank you. I'm not sure what advice or guidance I'm looking for. I guess it feels good to write this down.
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Old 08-18-2014, 08:58 PM
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Originally Posted by auroraxborealis View Post
What about the good stuff? When he said he loved me. When he said he wanted to marry me. When he said he wanted to wake up next to me every day?
What makes this "good stuff"? After all he cheated on you. He tells you what you want to hear, but he treats you like dirt.

Do you consider some talk "good stuff"? Seriously?
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Old 08-18-2014, 09:23 PM
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1) If I stuck by him in jail--why wouldn't I stick by him now?
Well, because he is a liar, a cheat, an addict, you don't believe him (which is entirely reasonable), he wanted you to smuggle stuff into jail, thereby putting you at risk.

He cheated on me. Twice I know about. Once he told me--the day before he broke up with me. Slept with a girl that was supplying him money and drugs. He said he felt obligated. Whatever that means. (Side note: two others he lived with were using. Heroin mostly. IV.)
If you have not been tested for STDs you need to and you need to cut all ties with this guy! Please before something worse happens than getting your feelings hurt.

During the years I was 16-20 I was in love with, and dating, and came within 6 weeks of marrying an addict. He used anything he could get his hands on- heroin, pills, alcohol, pot, whatever. I never used any drugs at all. I thought love would conquer all. It didn't. He hit me a couple of times, stole from me and my friends, drove drunk with me in the car, almost choked me. "He was stoned, he was high, he doesn't even remember" - that's what I told myself for staying with him through this sh*t.

He sobered up now and then but always went back to drinking and drugging. He went through a rehab successfully, was straight for 9 months and we planned a wedding - until he started drinking again. Then I FINALLY said goodbye. Gave back the ring, uninvited the guests, returned my dress. It was the best thing I ever did. Oh and he was my first lover, btw.

Dump this guy. He's not your best friend. Find someone who deserves you and treats you well. You'll thank your lucky stars you got away.
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Old 08-19-2014, 10:05 AM
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Welcome to SR, Aurora. I'm glad you're reaching out for support. From this side of the computer monitor, it kind of sounds like he's using you and playing on your heartstrings and relative inexperience.

Originally Posted by auroraxborealis View Post
Slept with a girl that was supplying him money and drugs. He said he felt obligated.
I'm not trying to be mean, but it sounds like you were supplying him with money, too, even after he broke up with you:

Originally Posted by auroraxborealis View Post
He said I broke him when he asked for money and I sent him enough for a gallon of gas. Not the 20-30 I would normally send. Enough for 1 gallon of gas because he said they ran out (he was with the other two users. Oh yeah, this was after he broke up with me). Said he was crying all night because I don't trust him.
You don't trust him because he cheats, uses, lies; which seem like good reasons to not trust him. IF, and I stress IF here, he was upset that you don't trust him, it's probably got a lot to do with the fact that he feels like he's losing one of the people that he uses for money, possible places to crash, sex... possibly a self-deluded veneer of respectability (?) (i.e. "If a girl like Aurora likes me, I can't be so bad, right?")

It's possible that he does/did love you, is so much as he's capable of doing so. But that doesn't mean that you have to settle for the crumbs he's capable of giving out.

Throw out all of the addictions, jail time, drugs: He cheated on you.

And not even with some one who mattered to him. I'm not saying it would be 'better' if he'd cheated with some one he professed to love, but the fact that he says he slept with her because he felt obligated to, really doesn't show any strength of character. And it certainly doesn't say much for the strength of his feelings or sense of commitment to you.

Why would you wait for a call from some one like that? (Just a question to ponder, I'm not asking for an answer.)

You are worth so much more than that!
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