AlwaysMaybe

H told me last week he drank after 10 months of sobriety. I snooped, and found he'd thrown out all the beer/vodka from the "incident." Well, snooped again recently, and found another full can of beer tucked away (wasn't there before), so he's obviously saving it for another time.

Can't figure out what I want to do. Do I confront? Tell our addiction family therapist? Do nothing and see what happens? Going through a crisis with my mom right now -- she's staying with us and having a ton of health problems. My hands and my head are full at the moment. I don't even have the energy to face this.

I'm almost relieved. I knew something was wrong, and I was right. At least I don't have to second guess myself right now.

And this, of course, was after a great weekend. Of course.

changeneeded

Oh Gosh, I'm hanging around for this one. I snooped and found some drink, too! What to do, what to do?

FireSprite

Well, what is YOUR boundary for this?

For me, I refuse to live with an alcoholic actively drinking, no matter how little, no matter how well he hides it. He would have to leave because I am never again going through that up-all-night-with-anxiety feeling that would come at every single turn once I found this out. I would be constantly vigilant for more lies, questioning every single thing said & unsaid. I refuse to live that way in my own home. If he's going to make the decision to stay in relapse mode and actively drink, I'm not going to stand around & wait to "see how bad it gets this time".... nor will I expose DD to that chaos willingly.

If I were to run across a stash of hidden bottles (full OR empty) I would confront RAH because he would want to know why I was moving all of his crap to the front porch for him to pack.

AlwaysMaybe

This is a good point and a good question. I don't know what my boundaries are. He has very little responsibility for the kids and works endless hours, so they're not really exposed to him very much, drinking or not.

FireSprite

They might not be exposed to him one-on-one but there's almost never a situation where the kids escape 100% of the stress because even as the non-addict, we bring stress & anxiety into the home just in DEALING with our qualifiers.

My AF was out of the home more than he was IN it throughout my entire childhood, but my non-addict mother's untreated codependency & enabling were as difficult & confusing to maneuver around & just as damaging. She got worse as the years went on, just the same as he did. The fact is that the entire family dynamic is affected whether directly or indirectly as a result of living with an addict.

I think if I were you I would take some time to figure out what you are willing to tolerate; that's the one thing no one else can answer for us. Meetings, step-work, sponsors, etc., all HELP us find our way but ultimately it's up to us individually to determine what we are willing to live with.

Maybe this situation raises the need for you to do more for your own recovery so that you can better define your boundaries & know where you stand independent of him. Al-Anon, SR, therapy, whatever works for you!

atalose

I think before you do anything, you need to figure out what your deal breaker is. How much more are willing to invest when he’s not making the same investment.

I think before you snoop you already know the answer, already know what it is you are looking for….then bam there it is………….now what? What to do with what you have discovered?????

You and only you can answer that question.

As for telling the addiction family counselor, he’ll just deny it – that’s part of his sickness. The snooping is part of yours. So maybe you want to approach it that way and at your next session. You can say you need help in discovering why snooping for bottles is so important to you and what do you do when you find them?

NWGRITS

Kids are much more observant than you'll ever give them credit for. An alcoholic home is not a good pace for them. Period. They don't deserve that abuse.

unsureoffuture

Im sorry you are going through this. Relapse is so hard.

First how do you feel about his hiding it? What are your boundaries as far as him continuing to drink? How does he feel? Is he still comitted to sobriety? You might want to discuss with a counselor for yourself to work out your feelings towards everything.

My STBXAH hides it too. He unfortunately refuses help and continues to just hide it from me. I became crazy with the snooping until I got better with my codependency. For me it's a deal breaker. I can't live with the dishonesty. If I cant trust my partner to be honest with me then its no foundation for a marriage whatsoever.

Have you discussed with him what you found to see his feelings? Maybe he will own up and admit it himself to his addiction counselor. In the meantime keep focusing on you and what you want and need in the relationship. He is going to do what he is going to do regardless.

CodeJob

Did you have an agreement on what would happen if he relapsed Always Maybe?

I've told my RAH that he is outta here if he relapses. We fight about it pretty regularly in fact though he has not relapsed. He did not like being kicked out of the house whatsoever.

If your are busy caring for your mom, maybe just send an email to the addiction counselor with a photo of the hidden beer? "Dear Counselor, found this hidden. Please discuss with H. I plan to remain focused on my mom's health issues and am hopeful you two can revise plan for sobriety."

It is your call. But it must be awful to find proof that you were right. Sorry to hear that.

hopeful4

I usto snoop. Then I stopped. I understand the need to validate your fears and feelings and no judgment here!

I would simply put it on the table and say nothing. Or at least that is what I did. That one action said a lot more than what could possibly come out of my mouth.

XXX

AlwaysMaybe

We have no agreement in place. There was a big blowout just prior to his 10 months -- I kicked him out, said I was done. He said he'd get help, and I let him come back.

So now what? Am I done? I don't know. If he's going to lie to me, what's the point? But I don't feel like I have things in place to take care of myself and my kids at this exact moment.

hopeful4

You don't have to do anything at this time. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

Pia

Hummm if it was me I would poke a hole in each can and drain the beer and put it back. but that is my sick humor. I wouldn't do it if you know he is violent.

He's going to do what Alcoholics do.

I would stop snooping unless you are ready to stand by your decision.

Why not use the wasted energy and focus on you?

AlwaysMaybe

I snoop because I don't like being lied to. I could handle the drinking, I think, but I can't handle the lying. Makes me crazy.

CodeJob

I've had to deal with denial more than outright lying. Hammer writes on this and Stung too recently.

bringiton

To snoop or not to snoop, that is my current downfall!! It's so frustration when you are feeling something is off and then you find out for sure. No real advice from me, I seem to fail at this almost every time. I'm trying to stop all snooping and questioning because I can't take it anymore, including the stress of what to do when you know they have been lying. I typically handle it very poorly by reacting and not thinking things through, I get wrapped up in the emotions. Mostly the emotion of not wanting to feel like an idiot for thinking i could believe this person AGAIN. The lying makes me physically ill. Moving forward I'm trying to have my boundaries discussed during our marriage counseling so I have some help. Sorry you are going through this I know it's very hard. It's hard not to second guess even more things and feel like you have to stay on guard.

I do really like the idea of emptying the cans through a small hole. If my RAH ever relapses I'm going for it!

BunnyNest

I can only speak for my situation, but lying always went hand in hand with the addiction/drinking. It is so very sad.

Just something to consider while thinking about your boundaries.

NWGRITS

Lying is part of the alcoholic package. This is as good as it gets, hon. All downhill from here unless he embraces true recovery. Are you prepared to do this for another 5, 10, 15 years? Snooping and dumping out alcohol are very codependent behaviors. He knows it's there and he knows he's drinking. What purpose does it serve to show him what he already knows? Stop snooping. It's not going to do you any good.

cookiesncream

Advice already been given is excellent. Figure out what your boundaries are, then put them on the line and be prepared to STICK by them. Putting hidden booze out on the counter which hubbie did many times didn't stop me from drinking, just made me hide it better. Pouring all the booze out in the house didn't stop me either, I just bought more and got mad. What DID stop me was a giant confrontation where he told me that its either booze or the family and not both. He has made his boundaries clear, and he has made them very clear in many venues (counselor) and frankly that works for me. I have a choice, A or B,but not both. Honestly having been through outpatient rehab I saw family members who had allowed addicts zillions of slipups and they KEEP relapsing. It was hard at the time but I have come to appreciate the hard line in the sand approach my s/o took. Something to consider...

Mango blast

Two things that have helped me:
1) My recovery.
2) Education about the disease.

Drinking and lying are what active alcoholics do. It's a natural part of the disease. Drinking is often a coping mechanism when they haven't learned other healthier ones - whether they ever do can be a long road, a short one, windy, hilly or a dead end. To accept these things fully doesn't mean we're saying it's okay to do them, just that we cannot control or change those facts.

Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change