FireSprite

Ok, I get that. So you're right. You're right this time just like you were probably right last time this question came up for you. And you'll likely be right again the next time.

So...... now what? What does that DO for you?

I hated the lies too but found that in the quest to be *right* I was becoming *self-righteous* & that was allowing me to stall my own recovery. This was *his* problem, *his* lies, *his* BS....... none of which I could change or control. In fact, the harder I tried the further I pushed it all away because he reacted like a rebellious teenager when he was outted.

So I stopped trying ANYTHING & put 100% of my energy back on me & my kid & started getting immediate return on my investment .

I agree with the others though - you've got to be ready to back up your boundaries otherwise they are worthless to you.

What do you do FOR YOU, AlwaysMaybe? How do you take care of YOU during all of this?

Florence

I certainly wouldn't keep any secrets for him. He's drinking and hiding it. Sure, tell the family counselor. That's really important information for a counselor to know. I wouldn't run it past him or ask him why or whether he'd relapsed -- BECAUSE you already know and he will just lie to and gaslight the heck out of the situation.

That said, you have the information now. Now what?

AlwaysMaybe

I texted the counselor with the info, and he's away at the moment so he doesn't have time for a conversation. But when I said that I didn't want a big confrontation because my mom is visiting, he asked if I could at least have a conversation with DH.

I'm writing down what I want to say to him. It's pretty short at this point because I don't know. I'm not going to make any threats because I don't have the guts to back them up at this point.

AlwaysMaybe

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

Florence

Then maybe do nothing. Tell him you know. Let that be it. Wait and see. Time will reveal more.

AlwaysMaybe

Thank you for this. It's very comforting.

FireSprite

You don't have to decide everything right now - I love that saying, "It's your life, not a race!"

You are aware, that's a great first step. Now you can slowly keep widening your circle of awareness & acceptance & really think about what changes you need/want to make for you. There's no time limit, there's no wrong way of doing things. You have to go at your own pace, in whatever priority makes sense for you. I hope you are getting some support for just you during all of this. ((((HUGS))))

meggem

start putting an exit plan into place. If you need it, you have it, if you don't no harm done. You can't control what he is doing, but you can control your reaction to it.

AlwaysMaybe

Do you think it would be totally cowardly to text something instead of having a conversation? I am awful at confrontation.

AlwaysMaybe

I confronted him. He denied then admitted. Said he wasn't doing the AA thing for now -- maybe later.

So now I know. It was a very calm conversation. I feel better having done it. Now I have to decide what's next for me.