expectations from healthy people?
 

in "normal, healthy" relationships, are there expectations? is it just with the alcoholic we aren't allowed to have expectations?

And I guess by expectations I mean stability. When healthy people say they are going to fix the plumbing under the sink or be home for dinner, they do mean it right?

I hope so , I have never been in a relationship with a quote healthy person , I have no idea. In my mind , I would think that there are things that come up , missed appointments , late getting home, plumbing not getting fixed exactly when you want it ect.. but i see a healthy relationship as one of communication. If a dinner will be missed you would get the appropriate call and be able to trust that what the eother person says is the truth. My guess anyway :)

Are there healthy people?

Hi Blossom.

That is a good question! I struggle with this too.

Last week my own counselor had some miscommunication with me for 6 days. I felt 'justified' being irked bc of all people this person knows I do not trust people and I accepted his help and his follow through was poor to none. Well when he finally did do what he said he would (after I emailed again), my H told me the world did not revolve around me and I expected too much.

I struggle with this!

I guess I didn't work that right. No one gets around to everything they say they will do, everyone makes mistakes or gets home late sometimes.

I guess what I meant was with the ABF, no plans can be made in advance (advance means a week ahead of time to even the same day), nothing is reliable. Healthier people aren't like this all the time too are they?

Lol hg, I've been in a couple of normie relationships, years ago. They didn't work out because I was so messed up.
To answer your question Blossom, I dealt with this type of passive aggression for years. He would promise to do x for days, weeks, months. I finally learned to just interpret that as "X is NEVER going to happen." Of course if I did something about x, he would rage at me and pout. "I told you I was going to take care of that, blah blah."
I think this stuff is par for the course. I remember my A father doing it too.

I think expectations exist whether we like it or not, in every relationship. I think it's human nature to some extent.

What differs is whether they are reasonable expectations, and that is a completely different definition. (Although, to be fair, I agree with earthworm here - first we have to decide what "healthy" is...)

Expectations are based on known/past behavior, IMO. So when we talk of lowering or dropping expectations when dealing with our qualifiers it's another way of saying, "Make your expectations more reasonable".

Because of THEIR diminished ability to hold up their end, "reasonable" generally means extremely low or non-existent expectations altogether... otherwise we are fooling OURSELVES into expecting more than what they can actually deliver. They show us that by the lies, the disappearances, the manipulations & hidden agendas.

On the flip side, when someone shows you that they can meet & exceed your expectations consistently, it sets the bar for the future expectations you develop, based on the trust you build notch-by-notch along the way.

My non-addict boss is high-functioning-dysfunctional despite the lack of addiction in her world. She is positive to a fault & consistently sets her expectations way too high, trying to use it as a motivator to achieve said goal. Instead it backfires, she feels a negative reaction for not achieving something out of reach & it dominos into other areas of her self-esteem. But I cannot. get. her. to. see. this. In 5+ yrs of working together she has never achieved a goal on time because she sets her expectations too high, too soon, too vague... whatever. But she would very much consider herself "healthy".

Expectations are fine, good even IMO. I used to have none past the very basic - does not abuse me. I didn't even have 'employed' on my list of expectations. ugh.

Anyway - the key is to have the expectations surrounding the 'role' of partner not of any specific person. You keep searching for someone that can mostly fill that role and if they do not - you let them go because they aren't changing.

If you want a cat you walk past all the dogs, or if you play with and love a dog but suddenly realize you are really a cap person - cry and move along, because if you get a dog and expect it to behave like a cat, you are going to be disappointed.

For me, the growing up in an alcoholic home leads to the "questioning of what NORMAL really is".

Honestly, I'm still wondering.

What's normal? What's healthy? Do I even know? What I grew up with was certainly a horrible model...but why do I think I had some good times in my childhood memory as well? Maybe it's my black-and-white thinking feeling uncomfortable with both good and bad in my childhood. The black-and-white thoughts say, NO, it was only good or only bad.

I guess the trick for me has been that trying to figure someone else out and what expectations they might honor/not honor or whatever will just DRIVE ME CRAZY. If I'm driving someone else's brain...who's driving mine? I can't handle several lives at once. The only life I can live is mine.

Thus, my question is more about what's normal, healthy, productive, etc - FOR ME. What's OK with me? What's NOT? In that effort, I have to learn and grow in fully understanding WHO I AM - getting to know ME. And being OK with it.

Since you and I are different people, I can't really tell you what's healthy, normal, productive for YOU. Only what's healthy, normal, productive for me. There will probably be some overlap for sure. But not completely.

I suppose you could be asking yourself - your inner child, your inner you - "Hey ME - are we ok with this? or are we NOT? If not, what do we want to do about it? We can't make someone do anything, but we definitely have control over our own brain, our own choices, our own feet. What do we want to do?" The higher power can deal with everything else (the stuff you can do nothing about). His relapse in drinking is outside of your control.

Some thoughts to ponder.

expectations are a part of life....if i have a job, my employer has expectations about my attendance and performance. if i have a bank account, i have certain expectations about how the bank will manage my funds. if i drive, there are certain expecations about my behavior on the roadways, and that i maintain a current drivers license and insurance.

so yes within relationships there are/should/can be at least a minimum of expectations - based upon the agreement between the two parties. in NON-toxic relationships this would include trust, respect, honesty and concern for the other. there would also be a sync between ACTIONS and WORDS. consistency would be the benchmark.

do what you say you're gonna do, be where you say you're gonna be. that's a level of authenticity that is absent from toxic/addiction based relationships. cuz there's always a personal agenda that pre-empts the "rules" of co-existence and co-habitation. at least one part abides by the ME FIRST philosophy. and the other usually subscribes to the WE or YOU philosophy. that voids any collaboration or compromise. there can only be ONE winner in the game....runners up are not allowed.

if you can't depend on someone to show up for dinner on a regular consistent basis.....then what does that SAY? or to remember where HOME is. or that they actually HAVE a partner with their own thoughts and feelings and wants and desires.

Blossom, there are reliable people out there that are stable and healthy. At the job I have, I am good friends with my co workers and their spouses. Many of them have good, healthy relationships. When husband says he is stopping for gas on the way home, that means he is getting gas, not booze. He will be home after that, and if not will call with a legit reason. He will work hard and have a good stable relationship with wife and children. He will do things he also enjoys with men and encourage wife to do things with women she enjoys.

I am in a relatively small office. If I can have a ratio of stable people around me that is quite high, they are out there. We just need to raise the bar in what we expect.

Blossom...to respond in a few words....Yes, healthy people strive to honor their committments to others.

dandylion

I've found that the most effective way of managing expectations, at least for me, is to expect people to be themselves. Sometimes it might take a little while to establish whether someone's reliable or not, and that can be observed by the way they treat people generally - not just me.

I have enough friends who I know ARE reliable, and if they've said they'll do something then they'll do it - or if there's a problem, will let me know immediately. I quietly drop anyone who doesn't, or who lets me down repeatedly - or manage it in some other way. I had a 'friend' years ago, who I wouldn't arrange to meet up with unless it was in an environment where I'd be happy to be on my own, because she would likely not turn up. In the end, I got so fed up with her I just stopped returning her phone calls - but I know I wasn't alone in that.

On the other hand, the only realistic expectation we can have of a drinking alcoholic is that they will drink. The detachment I've learned in Alanon has been very helpful in standing back and asking myself what I can reasonably expect of another person - not people in general, but any one person in particular.