What to do, kind of emergency

Old 08-17-2014, 09:09 PM
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What to do, kind of emergency

I just do not recognize the man I married. I have never seen something so mean and hurtful in my life. I am not crying, but am shaking.

I know we are doing the codependency dance, and I can cause the situation to escalate. I know that pouring his booze was a bad idea. This happened on Thursday. And as the punishment, he threw my food away. Ok, my fault. He also threw a personal object (will not say what it is, but it is intimate). I just discovered it an hour ago, and was absolutely shocked he did it. I kept looking for it thinking I lost it somewhere. He says he does not remember, and then that maybe he did it, but still does not remember. Can I say I deserved it? Can I say this was my fault?

I am really really upset again. My mind is racing, another sleepless night. It is madness, total madness. He tells me to leave, to take all the money and go, that he does not care. He says that he will talk to some lawyer tomorrow, that we will divorce, that it is a piece of cake. He tells me that I will keep the car (because we have a loan, and he apparently does not want to pay for it). He tells me that if I call the cops, that they will take me away! I can survive on my own, I am not afraid. But is this quacking? Is he serious?

We have poison in this house. We should part our ways, it is best for both of us, but can we be civilized about it?

Please, I need some sanity again.
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Old 08-17-2014, 09:27 PM
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Hi Healthyagain,
If he is drinking when he is saying these things, then there is a good chance that he is quacking on alcohol (I learned that word this week when reading the posts). I empathize with your situation, as words can be hurtful when our AHs are drinking and saying mean things to us. My AH probably does this 5% of the time we are together, but my stomach is usually in knots waiting for the next time he will verbally quack at me, which will make me nervous and just want to cry.
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Old 08-17-2014, 09:44 PM
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I think it is quacking too, but I cannot recognize that man! It is mean mean vicious poisons rattlesnake, and I wish divorces were that fast!

And thank you for your reply. I just feel insane and probably act insane.
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Old 08-17-2014, 09:53 PM
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Hi, sorry for your troubles. I know when I drank I said and did things I did not remember one iota. I was not really that person, booze caused me to act and speak so differently to who I really was. Jeckyl and Hyde comes to mind.

This affects everyone who is around us, our nearest family.

Look after yourself, that must be your main priority now.
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Old 08-17-2014, 09:54 PM
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Hi healthy,

First take a deep long breath. Count to 5, inhale, exhale. ok
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Old 08-17-2014, 09:57 PM
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OK, I needed you to do that, because I was there, I kinda know your state of mind. I wanted to reply to you sooner, but I needed to read your post better.
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Old 08-17-2014, 10:01 PM
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I see that you joined here in 2010. This has been going on for quite a while now. Been there/done that also. No judgement from me. I just wanted to tell you that when you are in situations like this for this long, you no longer know what normal is. You start to get use to the abnormal, it starts to feel normal, then they "up" the abuse.

What do you want? I'm pretty sure your head might be so messed up now, that you don't even know what you want. Perhaps you do want a divorce, but when he throws that at you, you freak out. I know I did. Talk to us
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Old 08-17-2014, 10:02 PM
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These past 2-3 weeks were just horrible. Everything just exploded. I am taking care of myself, but he is punishing me for my independence! When I walk away, when I drive away, and come back, I know there will be some consequences. It is not only booze spilling. If I refuse cooking, ignore him, act a bit more distant, it just happens.

I'm breathing, Amy. I am breathing.

YES! I do not know what normal is anymore! Been married to him for 8 years almost. It is no joke. I have no idea what I want. I want impossible I guess. A magic cure. I want to wake up tomorrow and have my years back. Impossible, I know!
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Old 08-17-2014, 10:09 PM
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Did you deserve any of this. "NO", you didn't. You spilled out his liquor, something that I am sure you had many, and even more then many discussions about. So he throws out your food and a personal item that meant something to you. He retaliated. Your fault? No, and no again.

Tells you if you call the cops, they will take you away. Uh huh, sure. quacking. Trying to scare you.

Can you do anything with him amicably? Doubt it.

Sometimes the only thing you can do to regain sanity is to leave. I had to.

((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
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Old 08-17-2014, 10:13 PM
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I'm listening. I was married for 27 years lived with him 25. I used to want those years back for awhile. Then I got to the point that I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up anymore. I was not suicidal. I just didn't want another day like the day I just previously lived through.

When mine went crazy, I used to go to the garage, sit in the car, sleep in the car.

I had to realize that I can't change him, I can't make things better. I needed to look at what I needed and wanted.
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Old 08-17-2014, 10:14 PM
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How old are you? Do you have children? I've read some of your posts but not recently
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Old 08-17-2014, 10:17 PM
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Maybe he is the one who got scared? See, that food...that is the food that I got for myself when I said that when he drinks, each one will cook his/her own. A boundary. Am I supposed to have a fridge for myself only now with a chain and a lock on it?

He asked if I was going to hit him. I said I did not want to go to jail for that and that I could. Baiting me into domestic violence or something?

This Friday, I started withdrawing small amounts of cash an secretly saving. Before that, I felt that it would be me stabbing his back if I have my very own bank account. And that is the most normal thing in the free world!

Thanks, Amy.

And big huggs to everyone here. The most horrible thing is being alone in these moments.
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Old 08-17-2014, 10:17 PM
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Do you have friends to stay with for a few nights until things calm?

Do you know of an attorney or have someone who can refer one to you? Have you already spoken to one?

Do you have your own money to get a place to live and do you make enough/have enough money to support yourself for the immediate time?
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Old 08-17-2014, 10:21 PM
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FYI, its not stabbing anyone in the back to have your own individual bank accounts. Yours, mine and ours, ya know? Each person has their own savings and discretionary funds. Together you have household and couple money.
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Old 08-17-2014, 10:22 PM
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I am 34, and we have no kids. He is 10 years older.

I have no friends here because of a very specific situation (moved miles away, new environment, new continent, it was super hard)

No, I have no attorneys, never spoke to any. Never thought I would need one, and do not have that money (again, I did not know how much things cost round here, it took some time to adjust)

Yes, I could support myself. Not much, but enough to live independently.
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Old 08-17-2014, 10:25 PM
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New continent? So you are living abroad? Do you speak the language? Can you consult an attorney, is an embassy near you? How long have you been there?
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Old 08-17-2014, 10:26 PM
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Just know that you are not alone. I went through this. The more I started to try to stand up for myself, the more he tried to control me.

Yes, he is baiting you. He wants you to think that you are the one that is out of control, this way it is easier to control you.

I went through the food fights also, except I did cook, left the leftovers in the fridge if he wasn't home at the time that I prepared the meal for. He would come home and know what there was to eat. I pointed to the fridge. He said and you want me to cook that? I told him I was done cooking for the day 5 hours ago. Cook yourself, or microwave it, but I'm done.

Then he would start rolling the dinner plates from the kitchen to the den, where I was watching tv, saying, aren't you going to cook for me?

Just know you can tell us anything here, we understand.

((((((((((((more hugs))))))))))))
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Old 08-17-2014, 10:28 PM
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Can I ask whose idea was it to move to a new continent?
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Old 08-17-2014, 10:33 PM
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Been here 5 years, married almost 8. He lived for a few years in my country where we married. I do not want to reveal too many details, but I immigrated. English is my second language, and I blame my situation on my culture too, because we are patriarchal and have very traditional families (Mediterranean).
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Old 08-17-2014, 10:36 PM
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You don't need to reveal anything more then you feel comfortable with. Was it his idea to move there? It seems like he was trying to isolate you from any support that you might have had. You moved there 5 years ago, about a year later is when you first signed up to this forum.

Just know that you have friends here and support here. You don't have to feel alone.
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