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"Have no expectations"

Old 08-17-2014, 07:46 PM
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"Have no expectations"

God, I hate that saying, "Have no expectations". I don't have many expectations, I think after being in an abusive relationship, I think my only expectation, or should I say, I expect someone to treat me like a human and that I do in fact exist.

So now, my ex is trying to screw me out of my portion of his pension amount. When I get upset about this, and think of the cost and the time, and going back to court, and months that my income will be reduced, until things are settled, I hear what did you expect from him. Remember, "Have no expectations". This just irks me.

Perhaps it irks me, because people are thinking that I expected him to treat me as a human, I truly don't. I am pissed because he is messing around with my financial security.

But I look at the saying and how people say it sometimes. "Have no expectations, and you won't have disappointments". It seems like this means that we should not get angry. At least to me, that it how it comes across. It sometimes to me comes across as blaming me. Yes, I am angry that my ex is trying to screw me out of about $750. per month. When I hear, well what did you expect, it makes me feel like I should let go of my anger and sort of be a doormat again.

I don't even know if I am explaining my feelings the right way.

I can understand, "Don't have expectations.....", I think what I feel more is that my boundaries are being crossed, I do have a reason to be upset and angry, and when I hear that statement, it makes me feel like I am wrong for being upset. I'm being told that I should not be threatening him with court, well that is where this will be going, because my divorce decree states opposite of what he was saying, that I should just respond nicely and assertively to him, without the threat of court, or what I think of his actions. At the present time I am pro se on this. I don't want to pay an attorney while he ignores me and is not in contempt of court at the current time.

It's just the "Don't have expectations, they only lead to disappointment" statements. It like denies my emotions to having my boundaries crossed. It makes me feel like I am in the wrong.
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Old 08-17-2014, 08:51 PM
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My daughter's therapist explained it like this to me: "Have no expectations" really means "have realistic expectations" -- and "realistic expectations" when you're dealing with an abusive alcoholic means: They will f**k with you as long as they are alive. Every time you think it's over and you can relax, they WILL reappear and try to screw you over somehow.

If you expect that, then you don't get so surprised and anxious when it happens -- you can go "oh here we go again, the old a-hole dance" -- rather than (like I do) not sleep for weeks and barely function during the days.

That was her take on it.
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Old 08-17-2014, 08:51 PM
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And I don't mean to say I think abusive alcoholics always do that -- that was her take on it, that if you expect that, then you won't be disappointed.
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Old 08-17-2014, 09:03 PM
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They are very good at hurting someone over and over again. I have learned not to be surprised.
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Old 08-17-2014, 09:24 PM
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I do expect him to be an a-hole. He is an a-hole.

I know I'll win in court. My divorce decree spelled everything out. He is threatening me financially at the moment, and this may be at least a 6 month period of time that I lose a substantial income. I'm being told not to "poke the bear", well, the "bear poked me first".

It's like I'm all geared up now for the battle, but I'm being questioned as to if I am doing what I am doing for revenge. No, I'm not. I'm fighting for what the divorce decree stated I was entitled to. In a way, I don't think people are used to seeing me the way I am right now, I've changed. I don't want to be "nice". He is threatening my survival, and I will threaten him with court.

Must admit that I did communicate with him in the last week. We had both gotten rid of the attorneys because I refuse to pay mine until I need to take him to court. I thought he was trying to be cooperative, (my bad) then I found out he was trying to screw me.

This is my new me. I will do as much as I can without an attorney, till I need to take him back to court for a motion of contempt of court. Right now he is not in contempt of the divorce decree. Once he is, then he would have to pay my attorney fees. That's why I am poking that bear.

I'm hearing that I am being vindictive, and angry and trying to get back at him because I had expectation of him.

Yes, he did fool me about a week ago, that won't happen again. I have documentation going back 3 years as to how he tried to screw me on this pension division. It's a csrs pension. He wanted to give me a pro rata share of his "net" pension, instead of his "gross" pension.

It just seems like I am constantly being told now to "have no expectations", of him and his personality, I don't. Of what I am entitled to, I do.

I'm prepared to fight, and I will.

I just feel that people are not liking my anger or determination over this.

Perhaps if I was not threatening my ex with court, but that is where I will have to bring it if he defaults on the divorce agreement, or if I didn't tell the pension evaluators that I would report them to the BBB, if the pension was not divided correctly. I am coming across to many people now as a b!tch.

Maybe this all goes back to PTSD, "fight or flight". I don't know how to do things differently. Perhaps a normal person would, but I'm not normal. With me I either let things go, and let him have his way, or I fight to the death.

I think I just deviated from my initial post. Sorry bout that

Perhaps I am getting a little nuts with vindictiveness. I don't know. I just know that if I don't pursue all of this aggressively, it can affect me by about $9000 a year.

I want to be "me" again, but not until I secured my future financially.

I just wish I can separate this from my life. It seems that I have gone back to hypervigilant and paranoid. I can understand having these feelings towards my ex, I don't have them with friends, but they can tell that my mood isn't right. They can tell that I am in my "fight mode". It changes my personality or stance.
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Old 08-17-2014, 10:47 PM
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If you swim with sharks, expect to get bitten. Its what they do. Has nothing to do with who they bite. Its their nature. As long as you are swimming together, you will get bitten.
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Old 08-18-2014, 09:32 AM
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Hiya Amy,

By fighting for your divorce decree pension split, you are changing what you used to do. You are sticking up for yourself when in the past you just went along with the dominant mind set. You have changed your behavior. Some folks aren't used to you being a stickler or sticking up for yourself.

$750 a mo is not chump change. You feel threatened. Go get him. Change is good. Breaking those expectations of how people expect you to behave... Oh well.

Peace and resolve,
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Old 08-18-2014, 09:44 AM
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I use the term "don't have expectations" primarily for folks still living with an active A. I think its the best way to proceed as many have been fooled by quacking over, and over, and over.

The expression, to me, is not applicable to every situation in life. Of course we have expectations and should! Its not realistic to go through life without expectations. Its also normal to be angry and irritated.

As for your ex I would have expected that he would try to screw you seems to have been his M.O. for a long time.

I think the hardest expectation to deal with in the legal system is that Mother Justice is slow and expensive. Would seem that with this all being spelled out in the divorce that he wouldn't be able to perform more asshattery but here you go…..more.

I don't blame you for going after this, you should. I don't know why people would say that you are being vindictive that's stupid.
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Old 08-18-2014, 11:27 AM
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I'm back. Was going to reply to this about an hour or so ago, but I lost the SR connection, so went food shopping.

So yes, maybe I still had expectations of him, or maybe I mean I have boundaries with him.

In this case is was you can either treat me like a human being and do the right thing, or I have other recourse I can follow. I can take you to court for contempt, and I will. Divorce decree states everything there is to know. There is also a clause in the divorce decree if either of us default on any part of the agreement that person will be required to pay the court fees and all attorney fees involved.

The only reason I am representing myself right now is because he has not officially defaulted yet, and since he didn't "yet", I would be responsible for any current legal fees.

I'll wait him out on this one, till he does default. It can be as early as next week since he needs to obtain additional life insurance with me as the irrevocable beneficiary.

Code Job, I liked what you said about others "expectations of me". Normally I try to be a very nice person, but unleash my anger now, just watch out. Don't step on my boundaries. no, not many people have seen this side of me, where I will get what I am entitled to and go through any lengths to get it. They told me that I am "scary" when I get like this. I will now take that as a compliment.

Actually thinking I am going to change the meaning of expectations in my head to boundaries.

Thanks everyone
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Old 08-18-2014, 12:23 PM
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((AMY55))

I think not having expectations just means to protect and prepare yourself. I am sorry this is happening.

Many Tight Hugs!
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Old 08-18-2014, 12:44 PM
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If you expect that, then you don't get so surprised and anxious when it happens -- you can go "oh here we go again, the old a-hole dance" -- rather than (like I do) not sleep for weeks and barely function during the days.
I agree with this. I also realized I can't make him respect me or tell me the truth. Sometimes I think, "Oh, he's lying again," and just get on with it. I don't bother trying to trick him into telling the truth or being decent to me and the kids. I just say OK and keep my eye on the ball, which is whatever goal I need to talk to him about.

In this case is was you can either treat me like a human being and do the right thing, or I have other recourse I can follow. I can take you to court for contempt, and I will. Divorce decree states everything there is to know. There is also a clause in the divorce decree if either of us default on any part of the agreement that person will be required to pay the court fees and all attorney fees involved.
A very empowering thing for me was insisting with both of my kids' dads on mediation and guardian ad litems. I knew they could say whatever the hell they wanted to anyone standing around, but when asked to present the evidence to am impartial audience they had no sway, none at all.

Are you entitled to this money? Have confidence that when you show your entitlement to the money your evidence can stand on its own. Fight for it! He can rage all he wants, but if it's yours it's yours.
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Old 08-18-2014, 03:59 PM
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yes, Florence, I am entitled to that money.

I just sent an email to the pension evaluators to ask them if my ex ever told them what work I did for the government. I was also a federal employee. I calculated benefits and made benefit determinations.

I know the difference between net income and gross income !!!!!!!!!!

He cannot evaluate his share of my pension based on my gross income, and expect me to be ok with his pension evaluated on his net pension instead of his gross pension.
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Old 08-18-2014, 04:48 PM
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Sending lots of hugs and support, Amy. I don't think that fighting for what was outlined in the decree, is in any way shape or form being vindictive. It's standing up for yourself.

Wish I had more to offer... but sending more hugs and wishing you continued strength.
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Old 08-18-2014, 06:06 PM
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I hear you Amy.
Maybe it's that we expect people to be reasonable when there is no way they are capable of doing so.
You are within your rights to feel the way you do & don't let anybody tell you otherwise.
You are not in the wrong.
Keep on keeping on, I know its hard.
Lastnight I was festering with anger at my situation, don't like feeling that way, but you know what? I am allowed to feel like that.
Hugs.
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Old 08-19-2014, 11:22 AM
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Hi Everyone, and thank you for your support

Well today I did the next right thing to do. I am tired of emails from the ex, and emails from the pension evaluators, so I called the pension evaluators.

Talked to a very nice young man, the senior pension evaluator. He told me that my ex was concerned about the money he should have been receiving from my pension for 4 years, and that he wanted to recoup that, because he feels that he should have filed for this when we were divorced.

I told this nice young man to look at the part of the divorce decree about alimony. Which states that once he receives his portion of my civil service check, he more or less would have to return it to me in additional alimony payments. That the alimony was based on my full pension amount, not my pension minus his pro rata share.

So this nice young man told me that when people come in to have their pensions evaluated that they only look at that part of the divorce decree, not the alimony part. My ex had gone in there complaining that he should have been receiving money from my pension, and that he wanted to recoup his loss.

So nice young man looked at that part about the alimony and he agreed with me. I was also told that because of all the problems with this pension division that it will cost more then the original amount. I agreed, and told him to send that bill to my ex, because he caused the problem. He said of course I will, you shouldn't be held responsible for this.

Now I could have gone and forth with nasty emails, but I did the next right thing, and now have the pension evaluators working for me, and they also know what they are dealing with when dealing with him.
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Old 08-19-2014, 12:49 PM
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I LOVE this post. It is empowering, strong, healthy, appropriately angry, well written, intelligent and makes me want to rule the world!! I think you are on the right track!!!
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Old 08-19-2014, 12:51 PM
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When I hear, well what did you expect, it makes me feel like I should let go of my anger and sort of be a doormat again.
No, it doesn't mean that. Your anger is completely normal and you don't seem to have unrealistic expectations. You're taking the right actions and bravely taking the necessary steps to sever the ties. Just focus on what you're doing right and try to let go of negative judgements about yourself.
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Old 08-19-2014, 12:52 PM
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Originally Posted by amy55 View Post
Hi Everyone, and thank you for your support

Well today I did the next right thing to do. I am tired of emails from the ex, and emails from the pension evaluators, so I called the pension evaluators.

Talked to a very nice young man, the senior pension evaluator. He told me that my ex was concerned about the money he should have been receiving from my pension for 4 years, and that he wanted to recoup that, because he feels that he should have filed for this when we were divorced.

I told this nice young man to look at the part of the divorce decree about alimony. Which states that once he receives his portion of my civil service check, he more or less would have to return it to me in additional alimony payments. That the alimony was based on my full pension amount, not my pension minus his pro rata share.

So this nice young man told me that when people come in to have their pensions evaluated that they only look at that part of the divorce decree, not the alimony part. My ex had gone in there complaining that he should have been receiving money from my pension, and that he wanted to recoup his loss.

So nice young man looked at that part about the alimony and he agreed with me. I was also told that because of all the problems with this pension division that it will cost more then the original amount. I agreed, and told him to send that bill to my ex, because he caused the problem. He said of course I will, you shouldn't be held responsible for this.

Now I could have gone and forth with nasty emails, but I did the next right thing, and now have the pension evaluators working for me, and they also know what they are dealing with when dealing with him.
Awesome!!!
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Old 08-19-2014, 05:16 PM
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That's great Amy & smart young man.
I too have found that after I've hit a brick wall the only way to get through it is to be proactive.
Good for you & good luck.
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