The View From The Bathroom
 

AH comes home and as always everything is a problem. Lots of cursing and yelling and I know there is no point even opening my mouth to speak as it will make things worse so tonight I retreated to the bathroom, took my pillow in there, had a good cry and decided to come back and visit this board. We all have our own reasons we stay but there has to be another way to live besides being up all night from stress and only having peace when AH is not around. And as someone said in another thread about their AH, mine also sleeps like a baby, passed out early in the night while I remain sleepless from all the anxiety that has been produced from all the yelling.

I'm getting stronger, still have a way to go but I have started to see a light shining at the end of this long tunnel.

My heart goes out to my AH because he's so miserable. He never smiles, never laughs, everything and everybody is terrible to him but at the same time I realize I no longer smile or laugh or have any peace and I can never say anything without getting mocked or belittled or yelled at for being stupid.

So thank you for being here to listen to me tonight. You all made me feel better just knowing you are there and I'm going to get out of this situation. I've made that promise to myself and I'm baby stepping myself back to a normal life.

Yep. It is just about progress. Not perfection.

And for today, progress is good enough.

Thank you Hammer.

I can look back now at all of those baby steps that I made, and little by little they did add up.

I have a long way to go still, but I sleep peacefully now, and boy oh boy does that sleep feel good.

You'll get there. ((((((( hugs )))))))

Gosh, at the end I remember being so stressed and sad and anxious from his constant picking at me that I was waiting til my kids fell asleep and retreating to their bedroom to sleep. It was my way of being alone and escaping. Now I can come home to a safe, secure place with no yelling and I'm very grateful. I remember lying there listening for the back door thinking "Is he going outside to get alcohol? What's he going to be like when I wake up?" It was very lonely to live that way, much lonelier than being alone is for me now.

You WILL get there. If I did, you can. I never thought I could but here I am. Thanks to this board.

ReyingToLearn.....maybe it would be easier to see your way out if you realized that it is YOU keeping you there and not HIM. Of course, he is responsible for being an Ass****, but you are responsible for your reaction to his ASS****ness.

What I am trying to say to you is: This has been going on for a very long time and what is going to enable you to be able to leave will be focusing on yourself. He isn't going to change from who he is.

dandylion

I want to add, that I completely--COMPLETELY--understand and empathize with how painful and difficult it is to live with such an unpleasant person....it actually is abusive.
Living in such conditions erodes a person emotionally and physically. One needs to get away from such conditions and heal.
You have my great empathy, here.

dandylion

Thank you one and all. Dandylion, I know I'm leaving and I've made up my mind but it's taking me a while for many reasons and I do understand it's me keeping me here. I've been setting money aside so I can afford to leave and don't end up out on the street. I've almost got my funds together and hoping one more month and I'll have enough for a room to call my own. But yes, I've stayed way to long out of fear, obligation and guilt. It's really a process learning to let go and when you are being berated every day and told you can't do anything it really gets into your head after a while. I do appreciate it. It's a hard lesson to learn that you keep yourself stuck.

Hi Trying, not long to go now. You've got your plan and are thinking long-term. I admire that.

Get your duck all in a row and start taking care of yourself. I think that their brains always are on defense.... everyone is against them. They never really take ownership for their behavior and that they are also causing these problems or have their hand in it in some way, shape or form. It is a great big beautiful world, and hiding in a bathroom to cry is holding you up from the simple pleasures. Be brave and strong. Sending you hugs....

Oh WendyOR, you hit the nail on the head!

They truly are unable to own their actions.

I spent years in a tailspin.

I wasted too many years in a WTH, WTF just happened here.

I was always asking myself, what normal, healthy grown adult acts and says those kind of things?

The bottom line, they are NOT normal, and they are NOT healthy.

Sending you tons of support TryingtoLearn.