LLLisa

In another thread which was closed the OP wrote:

"Isn't there anyone else out there finding being single for the first time in two decades really crazy?"


I just read it tonight and wanted to reply but couldn't.

Yes, I am single for the first time in two decades but it's not crazy, just confusing. I can't read people any more. I don't know what is proper or right. So, I do nothing, when I want to do something. I am frozen.

My XAH was also abusive verbally and emotionally and financially and in lots of other ways.

I am now enjoying dating grown up men. Unmarried grown up men.

I have a favourite man to date and we have known each other for about 10 years. His marriage broke up a few years ago, as did mine, but we were living states apart at that time and only in the last 18 months or so have been in the same state.

He spends time at my house helping me out with man type things (electrical and that type of dangerous DIY stuff). We go walking together. We watch movies together. We talk a lot. We text a lot.

We will often watch the same movie on TV and text while watching it. Although, when in the same room watching a movie, we just talk about anything and forget about the movie

We have been "hanging out' for about 4 months now. I want more.

As the X wife of an abusive alcoholic I have no idea about how to get more.

Do I ask? Straight out?

I read on the Internet that mature women who enter into mature relationships and marriages after a messy divorce often find they grow from deep friendships. Is that true?

Deep and heavy sigh.

Thanks for listening to my first post. I'm still hurt, confused and clueless. But damn happy to be out of my marriage to the drunk.

airwick

When you find out, let me know I was married for about 10 years, together for aprox. 14. I'm legal divorced for about 8 months. I'm not sure if I want a man in my life now though

redatlanta

The best relationship you will ever have will come from one where your relationship is based on friendship. Love waxes and wanes over the course of a relationship, passion does as well. But the friendship stays the same.

You say that you are dating - do you go out on dates with this man or are you guys just hanging out?

I think being straight up is the best way to go about it. The answer may not be what you want or it may be - he may not know or have read signals from you that you want to progress.

No way to know unless you ask.

Taking5

Yes. Just ask. You might get turned down but us men take emotional risks like this all the time.

Being the X of an abusive alcoholic has zero to do with this IMHO. Don't let your past define you.

Hammer

WHOA . . . THAT is a messed self-ID. You follow I am not dogging you on that? Just an observation.

----------------------

So we are sitting at an Alanon meeting . . . goes around the room . . .

Hammer: Hi, I am Hammer
Group: Hi, Hammer
redatlanta: Hi, I am Redatlanta.
Group" Hi, Red
Lisa: I am the X wife of an abusive alcoholic . . .
Group: (long pause)

------------------

But since you at least know what/who you are, what it is you would RATHER be, and maybe start heading towards that?

Yunno the saying --

We see the world as *we* are; Not as it is.

But I guess that is what you are saying, huh?


nada, It is what we do. Your turn(s) will come later.

I know that place.

ummm, yeah. We get that, too.

MissFixit

I agree with HAmmer's observation about how you identify yourself to others and internally.

For a long time I used to reference myself as so and so's long term exgf. We weren't married, but the relationship was like we were and others thought of us that way too. One day a mutual friend asked why I identified myself as someone's ex, the friend thought it was weird. I had no idea other than I had always been with someone and felt more comfortable being part of a couple than I did alone. I felt weak and vulnerable alone.

Years later and after therapy I identify as my own person.

dee44

New to this. My ex went into detox 3 months ago. At the time i was everything he wanted
A lady ( classic damsel in distress) focused on my partner.
I have now found out they r together.we have been distant but he was focused on his meetings. He said he was goin campin with the lads to help sort his head. He rang everynite
And popped his head in. Reality was he was with her. I.m totaly lost all that hardwork upset and financial stress for nothing.

Tansy

I'm in a boat of quandry over similar issues ..already...seriously only just split with exah but been apart in the same house for years and feel OK about meeting someone else cos many of the issues I worked through over the past 10-15 years. I don't see myself as the ex of a ah. I see me as me. I'm pretty OK now he's gone and ready for new adventures.

However I met a man 4 months ago. He's all passion, sizzling chemistry between us, makes my heart pound, funny, kind and has a smile to die for..we got on like a house on fire. He's also not present and I miss him. He's left it for me to get in touch when I'm ready which could be male speak for he's moved on after he turned my world upside down and I still hanker after him if I'm honest. I can't chase after him. I don't have it in me so...

Enter bloke no 2. I met him at church, also divorced. He's kind, reliable , solid. I admire him for things about him and his qualities as a person but I do bloke no 1 too.. He talked to me for 6 weeks and now asked me out to lunch one day. He said he knows I'm going through a tough time and he wants to be friends. My mouth opened and yes popped out. ( to my utter shock) I'm worried now. He's physically attractive but I don't get the same buzz I did with bloke no 1 who wasn't that special to look at but the zing between us was instantaneous. I can see me being friends with bloke no 2 but I'm not stupid. It's obvious in the fullness of time he'd like more. I don't know if I will or not. I don't know if to just cut it off at the pass, see if bloke no 1 pans out or see where it goes. I'm clueless. After 19 years with AH I have no idea how this works.

LastMistake

Its ok to not know how it works. You don't have to have all the answers. I think its safe to say that what you should do is take your time. 19 years is a long, long time to deal with an AH. It is going to take some adjustment. But you have value and good things will happen to you.

Id say if you are genuinely worried about bloke no 2 getting hurt if you decide to not expand upon the relationship, you should make it clear to him that it may not happen. After all I think at this point I would trade a dozen dates for one good friend.

Tansy

I feel like I can take my time with Bloke 2. There no pressure from him at all. That might change but he does, genuinely want to be friends at this stage. He might always do but I get a feeling maybe not. He has been in my shoes and can relate to the early days post split. He makes me feel calm and safe. Bloke 1 just makes me crazy...

I think seeing how things pan out with Bloke 2 is a better idea cos I need friendship over a dodgy dating experience with no 1 who will probably be a commitment phobic ( getting that feeling) and just want sex. I like it Bloke 2 asked me out and I didn't have to do anything but be me. He's old fashioned and likes me as a person.

stella27

I hear you on this, and I have been divorced for about 4 full years (irreconcilably separated for 5) after being married 14 years, and I had no idea how to read men at all.

Now I am starting to understand more. I moved to a new city one year ago which is 10 times the size of my former town and I'm really enjoying the volume and variety of people I am meeting, but I'm not dating anyone. I'm very busy with 3 children and their activities and I'm not all that available for dating and adult companionship although I would like to be and would relax my tight schedule to spend time with the right kind of man.

I have had some dates and near-relationships and deep opposite-sex friendships that waxed and waned and I feel like I have stood on the sidelines of adult intimacy and relationships long enough.

If I were you, I might say "I really enjoy our friendship and the time we spend together, and I was wondering if you have any thoughts about where this might be headed?"

I have been told "I consider you a close friend" more than once and it stings, but as I have moved out of those friendships that weren't going further, I have realized how lucky I was that they didn't develop into more because the men involved weren't long-term relationship material.

I think someone you enjoy this much would be open to having this conversation with you.

AnvilheadII

I want more.

and what does that MORE look like to you?

I'm still hurt, confused and clueless

then maybe RIGHT NOW isn't the time to get emotionally involved with another person until you get you sorted out first. new guy can't fix the pain, even if he can install a new garbage disposal. you have all the time you need now to work on you, resolve the issues, find clarity.

PippiLngstockng

Hi Lisa,

As the author of the thread you reference, I wanted to reply. But I don't want to get your thread mixed up with people's reactions to my non-SR sanctioned activities. So hopefully we can all stay on topic here.

Lucky you to have an unmarried friend who comes around and whose company you enjoy. I would certainly explore possibilities for moving that friendship in a more romantic direction. Life is short. Do you get any signs from him that he has similar feelings about you? Think hard about this. Does he get near you physically? Does he look into your eyes longer than he might? Does he make excuses to linger? Does he try to get physically closer to you? Does he laugh at things you say, more than the usual?

After 2 decades of monogamy I stopped knowing when guys liked me. Or, I knew but I doubted myself. And I lacked the confidence to reciprocate. Which is a shame because I let some nice young men go because I felt too caught up in my family's xah-related dramas and too old for these young guys. Alas.

I have to tell you that even if my relationship with MG #2 is imperfect, by definition, that man has been good for me. I had the most delicious time with him. And next day I was able to face xah in mediation h*ll with enormous calm and humor.

I figured out that a long-distance, romantic, sexy affair is a great idea for me right now. We text daily and the interactions are clever, thoughtful, charming. I don't want someone nearby who is going to wind up meeting my children and getting involved with my personal life and drama. I want someone that I can see every now and again in the little free time I have, who equally enjoys smart conversation, playing outdoors, romantic walks, and is s*xy as heck to boot. I am so glad to be alive again.

Before I figured out what I was looking for in someone I hesitated reacting to anyone. It is good to try your wings to find out what works and doesnt work for you. Realize if it isn't going to be this particular fellow, there will be others!

I intend to meet someone single that I like one of these days soon. In the meantime, I am grateful for all the delicious people I already have today in my life. And thanks to my having been brave enough to have tested my own romantic wings, I know it wasn't worth being a good girl for so long. I should have left xah 10 years ago. I forgot how nice life can be! Go and live! As much as you can!

LLLisa

Yep.

I was abused for two decades. I am scarred. I am ****** up. There aint no denying the truth of that.

If someone drops a metal tray I jump two feet in the air, I jump out of my skin.

It doesn't matter how far away I get from my abusive x alcoholic husband or how far away I am in time from that relationship, there is something psychologically and even physiologically that his abuse has changed in my brain.

Ever seen an abused dog in a shelter? Seen them, tremble and shake? While I'm grateful not to be that damaged, there is no denying that I have been damaged and will forever be damaged.

No amount of al anon meetings or therapy is going to change what happened to me.

I am strong, I support myself financially. I'm also not going to pretend that I am a 100% healthy adult. And frankly, who is?

At the age I am now, pretty much every adult I meet who has a broken marriage is ****** up in some way, whether they admit it or not.

LLLisa

Y'know, the more I think about it, it probably looks like when he is at my house very, very late at night (no kids at home) and we are both sleepy and he is dropping hints about how he had better get up and leave or else he'll have to stay over and sleep here that I take the hint.

But nooo. Instead of doing what any other red blooded, hot to trot divorcee would do (and you all know what that is) I act like a godly christian woman (which I am SO NOT) and do the "right" thing. The "thing" that the neighbours and everyone else will approve of: I see him out and off and go to bed alone. Again. As usual.

That's the codie thing isn't it? I'm doing codie stuff still. FML.

Hammer

wow. That is some disturbingly good insight.

suppose sort of same, same on me in various times and places.

Abuse background and all. Childhood stuff. Did some formal therapy some years ago for that, so it is much, much better, but I still have to consider it for the long shadows it leaves. Revisited it doing 4th Step stuff this Spring.

STBXAWhatever sort of "rescued" me from a prior one who would scream and hit me if I was not "good enough" in bed, and trust me, from the abuse background I am pretty good. So crazy looking back, but I will tolerate almost anything if I think it is "love." Guess is like a starvation thing or something.

So from STBXAWhatever being my "Little Buddy" for therapy back when, and being rather Co-de rescuer myself, I will tolerate just about anything from her.

STBXAWhatever has always been fairly whacky herself, and pulled crazy stunts on me and the kids over the years. But she has pretty much been just over-the-rainbow nuts since she has been back from Rehab. Appears to have an inherited Mental Illness that she used to keep subdued with various addictions.

Dunno where that leaves me. I guess all I really try on the personal side is to be a Good Sane Dad to the kids. Kids need at least one sane parent. So for me, I call Alanon "The Good Daddy Club."

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But back towards your stuff. Here is what I found for getting better from the old Abuse type stuff. It is hard to bring or put anything new or good inside when things are full of bad.

So that means to have good, you will have to somehow, someway, (could be SR, Alanon, T, prayer, on and on) remove some of that bad, take it out, clean you up and then put good in place of the bad. Sort of like trying remodel a house you are living in.

Be patient with you. Took some years to get things where they are, and will take a little while to clean up.

53500

It sure is! For me anyway. After 20 years with my x I divorced. Dating, for the first two years afterwards, was so not fulfilling it was comical. (Now it seems funny although it didn't at the time.) I moved and started a new job and became friends with a man there. Never in a million years did I think it would be or even want it to be more. There was none of the head over heels chemistry I'd had with my ex or with other men.

But I got to know him as a friend. I learned he was honest, dependable, smart and funny. We gradually became more than friends. We're together 15 years now and it's the best relationship I've ever had.

And as to "wanting more" - it was clear to me our relationship was changing but he never spoke of it, never made a move. I was the one who started THAT conversation. Fortunately it went well.

Mountainmanbob

First time single in a long time
Probably a good time to be very careful
It can be rough out there
Put your trainer wheels on for a while
MM

hopeful4

For now, I am just enjoying being me. I figure when the time comes to date (if ever), I will feel ready. Until then, I am just going to keep trying to be the person I want to be!

Tansy

Nah change my mind. Bloke 1 is the only one I truly want to be with ...crazy or not. I love him.....oh dear