What is he trying to achieve?!
 

It happened again yesterday, it's insane. Is he intentionally trying to crazy make?!

I was heading to a friends babies 1st birthday party yesterday when out of the blue (ex)ABF sends me a message saying he was at an AA meeting. Now I've not known him to attend a Saturday morning meeting EVER in the 18 months I've known him and given the previous evening he had told me that he needed to move from where he lives when the lease expires because trying to stay sober there at weekends is tough (he overlooks all the bars so sees and hears all the weekend party goers, not exactly the best place for an A to live!) and then he messages out of the blue that he's at a meeting I, quite rationally I think, wondered if he'd had a slip the previous night so I asked him. That was it, all hell broke loose. How dare I accuse him of drinking, there he was all positive and doing his best to stay sober, he'd woken up in a good mood and now it had been spoilt. Message after message about how I'm always making him out to be the bad guy, imagine how furious I'd be if he'd asked if I'd smoked, never mind that almost weekly he will actually accuse me of smelling of cigarettes when I haven't been near them for 6 months! Anyway, in the end I called him to try and diffuse the situation and explain that I hadn't accused him of drinking, there was no need to react like he was, I was simply concerned because the night before he'd said how difficult it was where he lived and the following morning he's at a meeting he's never attended. Perhaps it was wrong of me to ask if he'd had a drink, but given he makes a habit of relapsing and given the circumstances it wasn't an entirely irrational thought! Anyway, the phone call was a bad idea, I didn't actually get to speak a word, he literally raged down the phone at me and hung up. He then sent a message saying he was done. This morning he has message'd the following:

'Another weekend down the pan, only positive thing is that I haven't drunk, miracle!

Think what bothers me in our relationship is that every time I make a mistermeaner I'm put on the "naughty step" until I get "well". I'm constantly the bad guy always at fault. My head can't take it anymore. Yesterday I felt positive messaged you and I get questioned if I had drunk when I quote innocently went to a meeting'

:react

An ex is an ex for a reason.

Whether he is drinking or not really is not your concern. Whether you smoke or not is not his.

You don't owe it to him to try and diffuse the situation, his response should have been a red flag to put the phone down and enjoy whatever it was you were doing rather than go to crazy town with an ex over something you said.

Analyzing the actions of another with just lead you to disruption. Perhaps he did just feel like going to a Saturday meeting or maybe as you suspect he had been drinking - but in the end what does it matter? Walk on your side of the street and let him walk on his.

He's a borderline ex redatlanta. I'm trying desperately hard to stay away from him at the moment, we haven't 'officially' split yet. That's the only reason I asked if he'd drank (obviously I was concerned too). Last summer he relapsed just about every fortnight telling me bottom of his heart he wanted to stop, until in the end I left him. I went back when he claimed he was sober, except the very first time we had a night apart when I went to see a friend he relapsed. That was 3 months into being back together. Since then he's been nothing but difficult then accusing me of pointing out all his flaws if I pull him up on his behaviour. He relapsed again a few weeks back. After the first one I told him if he did it again I wouldn't stand by him and live like I did last year, that he was on his own. But he did do it again. I haven't seen him since and he's actively picked fight after fight while we have stayed in contact. I'm now being accused of having him on the 'naughty step' every time he makes a little misdemeanour.

You are completely right though, his response should have been the red flag and I should have stopped there and ignored him. He didn't need to go to town on me because I'd asked if he'd had a drink. My problem is that I get sucked in with trying to defend myself when I should just rise above it and not feel the need.

I suppose its a matter of semantics but think about this - you aren't seeing him, you don't live together, you told him if he relapsed again you were gone (and he did) yet you are still together, kind of?

You are putting yourself in a terribly hard situation here. Gray area. You are kind of moving on with your life yet still kind of trying to find out what he is up to just in case you kind of decide to get back together just in case he really does get sober.

Lose/lose situation really for you both. Its going to be nothing but drama because neither of you is committed in this relationship to each other - you are just ind of floating around like bobbers yanking each others lines here and there.

You don't need to defend yourself. You asked a question and his response says a lot to me, if he had not been drinking why blow up?

So the answer is just stop asking. Avoid confrontation. Next time just hang up the phone (hopefully there won't be). You don't owe him and explanation as to why you asked anymore than he owes you to tell you. He did send the text I get that he did open the door. Whether or not you walk through that door is your choice.

I don't imagine his response is going to change anytime soon.

You dont know that he was telling the truth. He sounds like a real peach. Take good care of YOU.

XXX

I wonder why you keep going back?

i know plenty of people who had flats above booze shops and they managed to stay sober in aa
i know the chap is trying so thats one good thing and in early days flying off the handle is a normal thing for him to do until he gets a sponsor and starts to work on himself
however i just wonder if all he is doing is trying to keep hold of you, if so then in my expereince i have seen so many people just attend aa do nothng about themselves and when they get back in with there loved ones they tend to revert back to how they was ie drinking and all that brings with it

you would be far better off changing your phone number and letting him get sober for himself.
as its going to be a hell of a rocky road for you if you choose to hang on in there with him
good luck in which ever way you go

Thanks desypete - I think you are right in that he's doing it as a way of keeping me. He thought nothing of blowing me out to go and drink when we first met - until I walked away from him as a result saying I wouldn't be treated like it. Then he started back at AA, got a sponsor (who subsequently sacked him and he'd never started any of the steps) and each and every time I took him back he'd start behaving like this, flying off the handle at the drop of a hat, flying accusations at me, storming off out and back to drinking. So I walked away for 3 months and by all accounts he seemed devastated. He binged his way through the entire 3 months from what I was being told by people he knows. I never asked, he made sure I was told. Amazingly, the very night I contacted him after 3 months of refusing to reply he claimed he was sitting in an AA meeting as he had finally had enough. And I fell for it! He lasted about 6 weeks before it all started up again and here we are back on the same crazy merry-go-round as last year, the very thing I stepped off once before! Admittedly he got himself a sponsor this time and worked through the steps, I even met his sponsor. However after his recent relapse his sponsor told me it had been a matter of time, that he'd been paying lip service to the steps and that he was just looking for his next excuse to relapse. So desypete, I think you are probably quite right, he's playing the whole AA thing as a way of stringing me along with my false hope he will get better and stay sober this one last time. He's not going to is he.

biminiblue - I go back each time because I foolishly believe him when he says bottom of his heart he wants to stay sober, how I just have no idea how difficult it is. And then I feel sorry for him when he is hurting because I've left him.

hopeful4 - you're right, I don't know he was telling me the truth at all. His last relapse he only owned up that he was drinking when I said I was going over to see him so he had no choice!

The man is just out and out playing me isn't he.

flossy, let's go back to the start of your post....

he sent you a text.

regardless of the content, everything after is based on YOUR reactions. whether he said he was in an AA meeting or sitting on the moon, you did NOT have to reply.

wondered if he'd had a slip the previous night so I asked him

in the end I called him to try and diffuse the situation and explain that I hadn't accused him of drinking

asking if he drank is the same as accusing him of drinking....

Message after message

that you did not have to read. weren't you on your way to an outing?

he can't MAKE you crazy....but you can keep getting on the crazy train.
you have the power to stop this. do not engage.

and that's where he gets me every time. I asked him if he drank, so as you say AnvilheadII, I may as well have accused him of drinking. That's what I end up seeing, that I'm in the wrong for asking. The fact that he was then furious at me gets washed over. He was furious at me and stormed off one morning when he woke me up at 5am talking to the cat and I had the audacity to ask him to not speak to the cat as I needed more sleep! He just gets angry. But I forget that. All I do is look for the reason why he got angry. Because I asked if he'd had a drink!

Next time you get a text like that (which looks to me like a hook to reel you in), if you must reply, just to acknowledge you got it (and avoid another sh!tstorm, maybe) - "that's nice" or "okay" might be a good option. He will probably then accuse you of not caring, but he can't say you got into him about drinking

All I do is look for the reason why he got angry. Because I asked if he'd had a drink!

so quit asking. i'm not trying to minimize, but it really does no good to poke at the bear. my point was you did not have to respond AT ALL. or could have just replied Good for you. and when you start getting the torrent of texts....DELETE them. it's garbage. spam. do not read and do not reply. save your sanity.

yes you're right AnvilheadII thank you. I need to learn to totally disengage from this don't I.

yup!!! less him, more YOU! :)

You started your post with my EX texted me out of the blue snd then that lead to.......what bothers me the most in our relationship....

This relationship is not over yet for you is it?

I think deciding if your in or out of it, is a good starting point to YOUR recovery.