Crying, raging, and up all night
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Olney, MD
Posts: 268
Crying, raging, and up all night
My AH's alcoholism has finally been brought to the ugly light. I hid it from his family, from my family, for years. Last night I had just had it and left.........and then the suicidal statements. I have been worried about him suiciding for some years, there is definitely dual diagnosis and loads of trauma, so I called his parents and finally told them what's going on and they came and got him.
And then made all sorts of decisions about going to rehab/which rehab and that he was going to be staying with them........without asking me at all. I am extremely upset over this. Extremely upset that it finally came to this.......and now its ALL about him and if feel SO alone. I feel supported IRL by no one. My dad does not believe in divorce and thinks he "just need a to get it together" and pushing and grabbing me to leave bruises is not physical abuse. All I have is my mom and one brother. His family have closed ranks around him.
Here's the thing. I know there's nothing I can do about his behavior and only my own. I don't accept any guilt or fault over his drinking. I have a lot of resentment and a lot of pain.
From all I've seen it feels like there must be something defective about me because of him. That makes me want to vomit actually. Why should something he wrong with *me* because of him. I took no part in his choices and never asked for this. I have stayed for the last 5 years of our marriage partly because I love him, well I love the person he was before the drinking.......also I was just scared to leave because of the total lack of support I knew I'd get. I cannot live with my parents. My dad is so unhelpful. I can't stay at this house much longer. Bad memories plus it's in foreclosure. I just hate the fact that I must have some horrible character defect because of something I played no part of.
And then made all sorts of decisions about going to rehab/which rehab and that he was going to be staying with them........without asking me at all. I am extremely upset over this. Extremely upset that it finally came to this.......and now its ALL about him and if feel SO alone. I feel supported IRL by no one. My dad does not believe in divorce and thinks he "just need a to get it together" and pushing and grabbing me to leave bruises is not physical abuse. All I have is my mom and one brother. His family have closed ranks around him.
Here's the thing. I know there's nothing I can do about his behavior and only my own. I don't accept any guilt or fault over his drinking. I have a lot of resentment and a lot of pain.
From all I've seen it feels like there must be something defective about me because of him. That makes me want to vomit actually. Why should something he wrong with *me* because of him. I took no part in his choices and never asked for this. I have stayed for the last 5 years of our marriage partly because I love him, well I love the person he was before the drinking.......also I was just scared to leave because of the total lack of support I knew I'd get. I cannot live with my parents. My dad is so unhelpful. I can't stay at this house much longer. Bad memories plus it's in foreclosure. I just hate the fact that I must have some horrible character defect because of something I played no part of.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
TerpGal.......you didn't Cause it and you can't Control it. Living with alcoholism has a terrible affect on the loved one.
I would advise you to get to an alanon meeting as soon as you can get there. You will be surrounded by people who have lived what you are going through and who understand more than can be put into words.
You now have this forum of people who will walk with you.
Getting a personal counselor is an enormous support and comfort......especially, now.
You do not have to go this alone....not at all!!
Don't even try to go to those that you already know don't understand or support you.
Around here, we say that that is like going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread....you are bound to be disappointed.
dandylion
I would advise you to get to an alanon meeting as soon as you can get there. You will be surrounded by people who have lived what you are going through and who understand more than can be put into words.
You now have this forum of people who will walk with you.
Getting a personal counselor is an enormous support and comfort......especially, now.
You do not have to go this alone....not at all!!
Don't even try to go to those that you already know don't understand or support you.
Around here, we say that that is like going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread....you are bound to be disappointed.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
If he has willingly decided to go into rehab then the means that got him there maybe shouldn't upset you. You reached out to his parents and they came and helped with what is above most of our pay grades. So while it may seem that the focus is on him they did help you - they could have said no.
With that said, this is not your fault. There is nothing wrong with you that caused this - no "character defect" that was driving the A ship. He is an alcoholic and would be an alcoholic if he had never laid eyes on you.
You will get a lot of support here. I am sorry for what you are going through. Be kind to yourself and post often here. (((((hugs))))).
With that said, this is not your fault. There is nothing wrong with you that caused this - no "character defect" that was driving the A ship. He is an alcoholic and would be an alcoholic if he had never laid eyes on you.
You will get a lot of support here. I am sorry for what you are going through. Be kind to yourself and post often here. (((((hugs))))).
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Gosh I understand how to feel. It took me some time to come to the realization that in laws were there for me they just didnt know it.They took him back and now I have time to heal.
There is a difference in being lonely and alone. Please try to get to alanon meetings.
There is a difference in being lonely and alone. Please try to get to alanon meetings.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Yeah on all that.
First on the support, etc.
That is why there is HERE (which is where you are, so good job on that)
AND
That is is why there is Alanon. You know about that stuff, yet?
==========
As far as His Family -- and taking over all of whatever -- babysitting, rehab, and the retardation and romper-room.
You may look back on that and SAY -- ohhh, Thank You. If he is going to be *their* project and problem . . . He is not YOUR project or problem. (That is a very, very, very, very good thing)
==========
As far as character defects on you. Little early to worry that. You will cover that as part of the Steps, once you are a ways into Alanon. Very Good stuff, that, too. So do not yet worry about whatever folks want to tell you about what is wrong with you. You will figure that out for yourself.
Can tell you what one of my BIG Character Defects was/is. Passive. Not talking Passive-Aggressive. Just plain old Passive. It seems I will just put up with crap, crap, and more crap. Just mentioning that because it may be the same for you.
But you do not need to worry about that at all for now. You will not start into that until the 4th Step, and you have some 1) No More Chaos, 2) Return to Sanity, and 3) Good Ordered Direction (G.O.D.) stuff ahead in Steps 1, 2, 3 WAY before any of that.
==========
As far as the Dual-Diagnosis and all that stuff. Yeah. Understood. We get it.
First on the support, etc.
That is why there is HERE (which is where you are, so good job on that)
AND
That is is why there is Alanon. You know about that stuff, yet?
==========
As far as His Family -- and taking over all of whatever -- babysitting, rehab, and the retardation and romper-room.
You may look back on that and SAY -- ohhh, Thank You. If he is going to be *their* project and problem . . . He is not YOUR project or problem. (That is a very, very, very, very good thing)
==========
As far as character defects on you. Little early to worry that. You will cover that as part of the Steps, once you are a ways into Alanon. Very Good stuff, that, too. So do not yet worry about whatever folks want to tell you about what is wrong with you. You will figure that out for yourself.
Can tell you what one of my BIG Character Defects was/is. Passive. Not talking Passive-Aggressive. Just plain old Passive. It seems I will just put up with crap, crap, and more crap. Just mentioning that because it may be the same for you.
But you do not need to worry about that at all for now. You will not start into that until the 4th Step, and you have some 1) No More Chaos, 2) Return to Sanity, and 3) Good Ordered Direction (G.O.D.) stuff ahead in Steps 1, 2, 3 WAY before any of that.
==========
As far as the Dual-Diagnosis and all that stuff. Yeah. Understood. We get it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 339
I agree with Hammer. His parents taking him might not seem like a good thing to you now but you might look back on it as a huge blessing.
Use this time to heal yourself. Living with an alcoholic is stressful. Al anon teaches us we aren't alone and we aren't powerful enough to fight this disease. Talking with people who don't live with alcoholism only increases my anxiety. I've found they often tell me the opposite of what I should do.
The book Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews is very good.
Use this time to heal yourself. Living with an alcoholic is stressful. Al anon teaches us we aren't alone and we aren't powerful enough to fight this disease. Talking with people who don't live with alcoholism only increases my anxiety. I've found they often tell me the opposite of what I should do.
The book Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews is very good.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Hey, TerpGal, we're here for you on SR. Many of us have lived through what you are living through, and we hear you.
The three C's about alcoholism:
You didn't cause it;
You can't control it;
You can't cure it.
You've been dealing with this for five years now, and in breaking the silence, you are finally acknowledging that. His family didn't know (or didn't choose to acknowledge what they did know), and they are at the start of the long process of coming to wisdom on what an alcoholic is and does. Of course they want to blame someone else. As time goes on, either he will choose true recovery, or he will do with them what he has done with you. The veil will be peeled back one way or another.
Now, time alone is a gift for you. You can begin to separate yourself from the drama and chaos of life with an alcoholic and begin to sort out who you are and who you want to be.
Lots of people won't understand, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that you find a support system and a path to recovery for yourself.
If you haven't read the "stickies", they are permanent threads of long term interest that are posted at the top of the Friends and Families of Alcoholics index page. There is a profound one that English Garden started called "What Abuse Is", and I posted my story there. You have been abused, and now you are taking the first steps to freedom and healing.
We're with you,
ShootingStar1
The three C's about alcoholism:
You didn't cause it;
You can't control it;
You can't cure it.
You've been dealing with this for five years now, and in breaking the silence, you are finally acknowledging that. His family didn't know (or didn't choose to acknowledge what they did know), and they are at the start of the long process of coming to wisdom on what an alcoholic is and does. Of course they want to blame someone else. As time goes on, either he will choose true recovery, or he will do with them what he has done with you. The veil will be peeled back one way or another.
Now, time alone is a gift for you. You can begin to separate yourself from the drama and chaos of life with an alcoholic and begin to sort out who you are and who you want to be.
Lots of people won't understand, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that you find a support system and a path to recovery for yourself.
If you haven't read the "stickies", they are permanent threads of long term interest that are posted at the top of the Friends and Families of Alcoholics index page. There is a profound one that English Garden started called "What Abuse Is", and I posted my story there. You have been abused, and now you are taking the first steps to freedom and healing.
We're with you,
ShootingStar1
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Olney, MD
Posts: 268
That is the thing. I have been living in fear. Living in fear long before AH back to when I was little with my dad. Now he wasn't a substance abuser by any stretch but was emotionally and verbally abusive and hyper religious. I still fear him, in some ways. I don't know how to live without fear. I don't know how to live or who I am really. I have been struggling just to survive. Not e.enough room in there to realize who you are or to really live.
ILs do not blame me at all and understand why I am so angry. They did this with his sister. MIL grew up with an alcoholic father. They do expect me to give him a chance though, and I don't know if I'm on board with that right now. The trust is totally gone.
ILs do not blame me at all and understand why I am so angry. They did this with his sister. MIL grew up with an alcoholic father. They do expect me to give him a chance though, and I don't know if I'm on board with that right now. The trust is totally gone.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 52
Terpgal-
That is a really tough situation. It sounds like you really do need time to figure yourself out before you can be happy with anyone, let alone someone who has already put you through so much. Make sure you take care of you, otherwise you won't be able to help anyone else.
That is a really tough situation. It sounds like you really do need time to figure yourself out before you can be happy with anyone, let alone someone who has already put you through so much. Make sure you take care of you, otherwise you won't be able to help anyone else.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 765
Hi Terpgal
Sometimes we don't want change anymore than the A does.
But we all need a program if we want to be healthy. This is a family disease.
If you called AHs parents to come handle it, then that's what they're doing. Let it go. Let AH do what he needs to do - and talk to people at Alanon about how and when to make contact again. That is where your support is.
This can be the beginning of a much better life if you are willing to do you own work.
Best
Sometimes we don't want change anymore than the A does.
But we all need a program if we want to be healthy. This is a family disease.
If you called AHs parents to come handle it, then that's what they're doing. Let it go. Let AH do what he needs to do - and talk to people at Alanon about how and when to make contact again. That is where your support is.
This can be the beginning of a much better life if you are willing to do you own work.
Best
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Olney, MD
Posts: 268
Maybe someone can allay my fears about Alanon for me. I believe in God and try to get to church regularly (just connected with a great church that is about as far away from my religious zealot Catholic upbringing), but I still have a lot of gross feelings about religion because of my father. And my WORST fear is becoming a hyper religious zealot like him.
I also have a therapist and a psychiatrist. I have been battling my own mental illness (uncomplicated by substance abuse) since I was a child. One therapy session a week isn't going to cut it. Not for now.
I also have a therapist and a psychiatrist. I have been battling my own mental illness (uncomplicated by substance abuse) since I was a child. One therapy session a week isn't going to cut it. Not for now.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
Lots of people have gross or indifferent or plain old dislike of religion- BillW himself had mixed opinions too. If you do try Alanon, you'll hear about the need for a higher power- it can be anything at all, whatever it is is up to you. Some people make the fellowship their higher power for a while, some find their concept of God (or whatever) is transformed thru the program, some find the higher power they came in with reinforced and refined...
Anyone who tries to dictate a particular religion to you in alanon is out of line. That said the program has a christian heritage so the vocabulary and concepts come from that side of the fence, but thats as far as it goes. You don't have to explain your higher power or religion issues to anyone.... if you do try the program and dive in, get a sponsor etc then the higher power question is likely to come up between you but that is a conversation for another day- when you're working closely with that person, whom you have grown to respect and trust.
Good luck!
Anyone who tries to dictate a particular religion to you in alanon is out of line. That said the program has a christian heritage so the vocabulary and concepts come from that side of the fence, but thats as far as it goes. You don't have to explain your higher power or religion issues to anyone.... if you do try the program and dive in, get a sponsor etc then the higher power question is likely to come up between you but that is a conversation for another day- when you're working closely with that person, whom you have grown to respect and trust.
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 494
Give him a chance? You've given him a chance, you've been living with his abuse. That was his chance.
Let them take him on, see how well they can fix him (they can't).
My father was not an addict either but he was strict and I was afraid of his temper. He was the only person in our house allowed to express anger. As a consequence I rationalized away or stuffed down legitimate anger most of my adult life. I'm just coming to terms with this stuff in my 50s.
Let them take him on, see how well they can fix him (they can't).
My father was not an addict either but he was strict and I was afraid of his temper. He was the only person in our house allowed to express anger. As a consequence I rationalized away or stuffed down legitimate anger most of my adult life. I'm just coming to terms with this stuff in my 50s.
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