jarp

After AH's OD last weekend he was terribly ill. His last drink was last Saturday night. On Monday he moved in with good friends of his, and has been doing well.

Yesterday he had a 2.5 hour appointment with his psychiatrist. Today we had a joint counselling session, which I am still doing with him as at the end of the day we are parents together, and we need to process.

At the appointment today he revealed that the assessments show no mental illness, and that he is not a 'typical' alcoholic, whatever that means. He's been referred to an addiction specialist, and the psych has given him a drug to help with cravings and something else that I don't know what it is.

What he did discover is that all this stems from the fact that we 'don't get along', that I stifle him, he feels trapped and constrained. Apparently he unconsciously has been acting 'deplorably' to 'force' me to make a decision because he was 'too gutless' to do it himself. That he has to have time apart from me so he can work out whether he wants to be with me, and whether he was even ever in love with me.

The psych made the 'interesting insight' that in living with loving friends he's been able to not drink. And he's not able to do that with me.

I was totally triggered and acted pretty badly. I've had hardly any sleep, have been on a 3 day work conference that just did me in. I yelled in the session and carried on. Partly because I'm at breaking point but partly because I'm so angry that he thinks I am going to sit here and wait for his pronouncement on our future, whilst he decides if I am good enough for him.

And no one seems to even think about what I might want, or what I might be thinking. I seriously think I don't exist.

I should be happy....I want to be done with him. If this is how he needs to play it, then I should just let him, knowing we'll get to our inevitable permemnt split anyway.

But my abandonment issues just totally triggered. It was so much easier when I was in control. Now he's taken the power back, and I'm back in our dynamic of 'he's leaving, I beg him to stay, he does me a favour and does so, but does it out of guilt. Not that I begged. I just acted like a 5 year old.

I'm nowhere near as far down the path to recovery as I thought I was. All my control issues, my repressed anger, my depression, my codie tendencies...came exploding out. HE came out looking like the sane one. I looked like I was crazy, and I'm sure the counsellor must think...no wonder he drinks!!!!

He's about to really hurt me and I am terrified because I don't get to fall apart, I have to keep everything together, and everything going with work, kids, the house, bills...everything. All that falls apart if I fall apart. I just want to run away and stop this process NOW before I break.

I'm really down, I can't stop crying this last week. On the work thing we had a night out and everyone was dancing and laughing and going crazy and I'm having this out of body experience on the dance floor where I felt like I was observing happiness whilst a huge black elephant was sitting on my chest.

I want to not do this anymore. I just don't want to BE.

Croissant

Yes, this was the exact same sob story my ex told the rehab counsellors. I was the bad one and he felt tied down by family and responsibilities.

I saw my own psychologist independently, because he had me eventually convinced I was the root cause. She helped me lose the fool.

I'm not in his life now...18 years later, he's still an addict. My fault? I think not.

queenapple

Yes, they're all so "special"; they're not like "real" alcoholics, you know-- they're different.

Bull.

This guy is doing a total number on you and your self esteem. And the psychiatrist must be an idiot.

HopefulinFLA

I'm not even sure what to say here. My jaw is on the floor. I know how unfair this must all feel to you.

Try to keep in mind that you did not make him drink, he IS responsible for his actions. It's not your fault that he chooses to drink instead of acting like a grown up and working on his issues.

Hang in there. Hugs!

Santa

Bulls**t.

All alcoholics, and many of their codependent partners, think the same. Sorry but there are no "special" alcoholics.

Also calling BS on the "friends don't make him drink" line of conversation.
I am going to take a wild guess that this psychiatrist is not an addiction specialist.

Very sorry for what you are enduring jarp but your AH is a typical, manipulative alcoholic and a real ass***e. You deserve better.

jarp

He's also conveniently forgetting that his drinking started long before I hit the scene. His psych knows this too. Apparently drinking is his 'maladaptive way of dealing with unpleasant things in his life'.

Nice to know I'm 'unpleasant'.

Although today that was probably a pretty accurate description....

LadyinBC

Yes I certainly thought I was very special and I wasn't like those "others" who were alcoholics and begging for money on the street. And me going to the liquor store, drunk, with my jammies on underneath my coat and jeans. Yes I was very special and thought of myself as a high class drunk hahaha. At the end of the day I am an alcoholic drunk just like everyone else.

And I have to agree with queen apple this psych sounds like a nut. I think you need to detach yourself for a bit and take a breather from this. Just my opinion. You don't deserve to be treated this way or have to put up with this crap.

bringiton

There is something wrong Imo. You don't know what all was said during the 2.5 hour session. My understanding is that alcoholics can sometimes be very good at manipulating situations. Please try seeing someone on your own? The doctor and your AH both mistreated you during the appointment. If you acted like a five year old I think that isn't the worst thing you could have done. Im pretty sure that the suggestion that my AHs drinking was all my fault by a "professional" would have made me sick to my stomach after all the time and suffering it takes us to learn its NOT our fault. At least you didn't just sit there, take it and believe it. I think that's pretty good. At a certain point I couldn't even do that!!

I too have abandonment issues and I know the painful desperate feelings I get. I feel rejected, hurt, embarrassed ashamed and I am convinced it's all my fault. I'm never smart, pretty or good enough. Your post really broke my heart. Not to over simplify because that isn't my intent but maybe you are still in control. You are in control of your son, the house, bills, money and yourself. He won't be able to control you forever. He seems to be going down fast but you are sane, strong enough to live through this and so smart not to believe the lies. His doctor is a joke. You are not.

Try to be kind to yourself. I'm sending you hugs and prayers.

Thumper

Oh gawd. What a lot of nonsense. I'm so sorry. I can't believe the counselor didn't interject.

When I was in the space you find yourself in now some one:one counseling sessions were priceless - very very good for me.

Tansy

My exah blamed me for his drinking too. He conveniently forgot he drank from the aged of 14 and was 33 when he met me. I did agree he found being married stressful cos he finds any responsibility stressful. He drinks cos he is stressed. He's always stressed so he always drinks. He didn't love me and when I found that out I was hurt at first but I don't care now. He's history....move on in my book. He is also a special alcoholic..not typical lol. In his one and only session of therapy he came home and told me the counsellor said if he had more sex he'd be OK.
Seriously, he thought I'd buy that!

Confuzd

Exactly. His drinking has nothing to do with you (or anyone else).

Google "terminal uniqueness", this is what many alcoholics suffer from that makes them think they're different (unique). It's "terminal" because this attitude can lead to death from untreated alcoholism.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

velma929

Well...

HE made a poor choice when he picked a life partner, didn't he?

hopeful4

I call total bull$hit. Dont go back, get your own counselor

ladyscribbler

Jarp, this confirms what I have suspected all along. You have magical powers. Kindly arrange for me to win the lottery next week. I'm not even going to buy a ticket, such is my confidence in your powers.
I'm sure him staying sober these couple of days has nothing to do with the meds he was given to control cravings. It was all due to being outside of the sphere of your influence. *eyeroll*
In exchange for the imminent cash prize I will be receiving, I have helpfully translated their words into one easy to remember expression:

Quack!

dandylion

Jarp.....first of all....Do not believe one single word of what he "interprets" that the psychiatrist said!!!!!!!!! Alcoholics can turn black into white.

I would suggest that you take your own goals into the counseling sessions if you ever go back. I would make discussions about the child ONLY. ONLY.

I would go no contact except for the child. He is out of your house. Get him out of your head as much as humanly possible.

It is pretty certain that he is "white knuckling" for the benefit of his friends.

Try to get yourself some rest, girl. At this point you have got to fight for yourself.

So....you made a scene at the session....GOOD. VERY GOOD. IF YOU DON'T STAND UP FOR YOURSELF AND CHILD.....NOBODY ELSE IS GOING TO!!!!!!!!
I am very proud of you.
About time you start showing some teeth!!!! GRRRR.

dandylion

WendyOR

I think I would have spoken up and talked about needing a counselor that is for addiction. His little comment shows he is uneducated on the issue and just dismissed the major factor here.... but, I think I would be like you and in shock... it is easy to say what we would have done, but when it happens, it is a totally different story isn't it.

Don't beat yourself up too bad over the anger, as that is all coming from hurt. You know, they can quack and act like an adolescent most of the time, but when we have that one breaking point, the guilt we put upon ourselves in horrible. Sometimes when we are strong for so long, it is easy for one thing to just put us over the edge where our hurt and anger come pouring out and it is so difficult to stop.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am sorry they painted the illusion that it was you that was causing his drinking. Remember, even without the alcohol or drug of choice, just abstaining from it does not make their brain healthy. It is the steps of recovery that start making them healthy. He could go like my xabf, and refrain for a year and a half, and one drink, one decision for moderation can send them back to that same cycle of bat sh*t craziness. Their old thinking patterns.... one drink can lead to that. Their self confidence, and their thinking of themselves of being that *not the typical alcoholic* can lead them all right down that path of self destruction, and everyone and everything in their path is coming with them.

It is ok you fell apart yesterday. Today is a new day. Today you take your power back. You wrote it in your initial post.... He is not the typical alcoholic.... he can abstain when with friends... he feels trapped and constrained.... yadda, yadda, yadda....

Nope, it doesn't sound like quacking to me.... big devilish grin on my face... and sarcasm there, because you know so much better. You have the keys and answers to know this is him quacking and it is more upsetting that the counselor doesn't have the awareness or the training to see that.

Sending you hugs... and sending you the hopes that your day is more peaceful.

He loves the bottle... it is his power and strength... it doesn't make him accountable for anything. It hides his fears and sorrow...

53500

Jarp, this is total crap, what he said and what the psychiatrist said. Just 100% total crap. You are not to blame for his drinking. You don't believe that, do you?

It's just crap. Your husband is a master manipulator (which is absolutely typical of addicts) and the psychiatrist is incompetent.

Sorry you had your time wasted listening to this bs.

That is true. The sooner you are done with him the better! Pick your battles.

Butterfly

Harp I am so sorry that you had to go through that!! If he's not a typical alcoholic why has he been referred to an addiction specialist and prescribed medication to help with cravings that to me says alcoholic!!!! I know it's hard but I wouldn't listen to what he says the psychiatrist has apparently said it sounds as though he's just making excuses to take responsibility away from him!!!

I have abandonment and attachment issues so I understand how you feel, my separated AH has also told me at times he he doesn't know what he wants, he wants to be on his own to drink the place dry but sometimes he wants to be with me others he doesn't know whether he wants to be with me, if he's in love with me. And like you I'm sitting about waiting for him to decide whether he wants me or not!! I seem to be blocked in my recovery and can't move on. I know how you feel when you say you can't fall apart as you have to keep going for the kids pay the bills etc and I know how frustrating that is while he swans about no responsibilities doing what he wants, mine is the same I have to keep everything going and it's hard and frustrating!!

I agree with the others it may help if you had your own counsellor and I wouldn't be doing the marriage guidance if it's all going to be about poor him and shifting the blame onto you!!

Look after you and your kids I know how hard that is but you are doing so well. Take back the control don't allow him to bring you down!!

biminiblue

quack. Just sayin'.

I understand abandonment issues. They have been huge in my life as well. Being abandoned by an alcoholic is actually a good thing and it is what you want in the long run. Of course he's going to try to spin it, and his shrink is his shrink after all. Find your own counsel, and don't invite him.

You are the captain of your ship. No contact with the enemy is the choice I made and I let the chips fall where they would after that. I didn't get to interject my argument to his parents, his friends, his therapist, his coworkers, etc. He got to spin that story. I went off and lived my own life. It has been more than enough. I don't care what stories he tells - nor did I ever have any control over his mental illness.

readerbaby71

I'm sorry that happened to you. Don't feel bad about your reaction--you're human and can only take so much. Sometimes we need to scream and yell. Honestly that shrink sounds like an a-hole. No mental health professional worth his/her salt would squarely place blame on another person for someone else's addiction.

HUGS to you. Hang in there.