Children Find Selfie Porn on Dad's Phone

Old 08-16-2014, 03:20 PM
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It's always my bad behavior, he cries and people all get angry at me, ignoring the children who are being hurt by his abuse.

He has had me spinning ALL day long.

And I thought I was going to get the day off to ride in the countryside.

I have no life when he is near me.
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Old 08-16-2014, 03:31 PM
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I wouldn't call what you did was bad behavior
at all. You went there as a concerned parent,
entitled to the safety and well being of your
children. You did what any concerned responsible
mother would do for their own kids, especially
since his behavior concerning porn was in
question.

Do you feel deep down what did out of
concern for your kids was right? If so,
no need not hang ur head down or feel
sorry. You remained strong and brought
ur kids back into a healthy environment.

I still say, stay strong.
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Old 08-16-2014, 04:45 PM
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We seem to have married and divorced similar narcissistic active alcoholics.

Here is my list:
Children - Create boundaries for their safety when with the alcoholic parent. Stick to, document, and enforce those boundaries. Pray for their safety, and give my fear or worry over to God.
AXH - Detach and repeat: Not my monkey (anymore). My focus is on my own recovery and not whether said monkey is eating bananas or scratching at fleas.
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Old 08-16-2014, 04:58 PM
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Pippi..you did the right thing for your children..never doubt it!
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Old 08-16-2014, 05:40 PM
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If you believe that your children were in danger at that campground and that he is a sexual deviant that intentionally let his children see his dick pics you are 110% right in getting them and doing whatever you can to keep them away from him.

If you believe that it was unintentional and he would password his phone after bringing it to his attention than it might be good to reflect on your motivation because if this is the case it was simply a maneuver to win another battle in your war with him and the kids were in the middle.

I don't know him and I don't know what kind of pictures they were so I've no idea which one - just throwing it out there because I don't think a dick pic makes anyone a pervert or a danger or should cause any child mental scarring but there is likely more to the story with his history etc.
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Old 08-16-2014, 05:42 PM
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he cries and people all get angry at me
Says who, other than him?
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Old 08-16-2014, 06:02 PM
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If this issue was raised before the camping, I would not have let them go.

Drama hurts kids much more than we realise, such as the campground incident ....and now, he's asking for them tomorrow?

This all became messy way too quickly. If your children were with a male friend of the family and were exposed to those pics, you would have gone straight to the police. Hell, I'd be wanting to kill the person.

This is sexual abuse. Let's be clear.

If it were me, there would be no way I'd be letting those children back with him. His incident afterwards....who cares. I would be strapping my children to my body before I'd let them go back to him.

I remember reading when my children were younger, that it takes but a moment for a child to be sexually abused (the robe incident above demonstrates that). This is not accidental. I refuse to believe that.
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Old 08-16-2014, 07:01 PM
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Do you know if they saw the pics accidentally or on purpose? It honestly sounds like they saw them by accident while looking through his phone.

If it was an accident, I would say something to him about not letting such things be around the kids. If it was on purpose, then I would tell your attorney and seek supervised visits.

As long as they are in no immediate harm, he has a right to see them as their father. If you try to prevent those visits without having proof of his purposeful sexual indiscretions and the court on your side, I think you run the risk of it backfiring on you eventually. Did he show them the pics or did they come across them on their own?
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Old 08-16-2014, 07:30 PM
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I'm sorry, but anyone who has inappropriate pics on their phone knows they are there.

In fact, I personally believe some people are capable of sexually abusing children to get back at the Mother. "Oh, it was an accident" is a thin excuse for something that could be seen as grooming children and desensitising them to sexualised images and behaviour.

I'm sorry. But I find minimising and saying "oh maybe it was an accident" is just another form of codependent enabling.

If this was a neighbour alone with your children would you accept this behaviour?

People know when they have their sleazy pics on their phone. Children grow up into adults, and they ask questions like, "why didn't you protect me?"

If your Mother won't protect you, be your last bastion against all things, then who will be?
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Old 08-16-2014, 09:47 PM
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I agree some AX's are capable of doing things, including sexual abuse, to spite the other parent or to cause a reaction, drama, or anxiety.

I do not agree that holding two equal possibilities in mind - accident or intentional - is codependent enabling. We often don't have all the facts.

Unlike if it was a neighbor letting them see porn, when of course we'd never allow them to go there again, many of us are court-ordered to turn our innocent children over to these negligent (at best) or heinous alcoholics - because absent them being found by a court to be abusing the children, we can do nothing. The entire system seems geared to "give the alcoholic the benefit of the doubt" versus "protect the best interests of the child."

This is especially terrifying to moms who have young kids, one kid, or a kid who clams up and won't share what's happening. So sometimes, holding the two possibilities in mind is the only thing that can keep us sane.
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Old 08-16-2014, 10:13 PM
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I understand peaceofpi, I most certainly have been in court ordered situations with my children. And I will say these kinds of topics I will always give children the priority. No excuses for the adult - ever.

I also have the benefit of children who are now grown and give me very real feedback on what we went through. If that man has enough time to take sleazy pics of women and gaze at his genitals and take photos, then he's got enough time to sort his life out.

The collapse at the camping ground is ridiculous behaviour. I've witnessed similar meltdowns from my ex, all for the benefit of garnering sympathy from his children. Several attempted kidnaps also. As adults they see it for what it was.

I just don't see the point of making excuses for this behaviour and assume it was an accident.
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Old 08-17-2014, 12:25 AM
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Your responses are really thoughtful and helpful. Thank you.

I heard the story about the photos 30 minutes from when my teens first returned home. It was really bothering them.

I put it out of my mind. I was abused as a child and abused by xah. And every stupid professional has heard/read my stories of xah's behavior towards me and the children but no one has stopped him in his tracks. I began to lose morale. No one cares. My lawyer here said it would take more of a catastrophe than xah being violent with DS17 and terrifying DD7 before the judge would call for supervised visits.

Every time xah comes to town there is another huge drama.

I should have reacted immediately to my teens' disclosure but they made me promise not to act before they told me. So I was reluctant to make another scene, knowing that xah would react like a volcano after an earthquake. Which he has.

I have utter contempt for him.

Do I think he kept the photos in with the family shots on purpose? Probably. Because he has been 'absent-minded' about his parental responsibilities in a way that always works to desensitize them to abuse of various kinds. Am I sure? No. But he was negligent and he keeps the children constantly in precarious, frightening situations. And so I finally rubbed the sleepy film out of my eyes and did something.

Would it have been better not to send the children with him at all? I don't know. It would have been great if he had had a full on nervous breakdown so he could be properly evaluated and treated for his madness. But I didn't have the foresight or maybe the determination to prevent the visit entirely that morning.

I believe I am doing the best that I can under incredibly trying circumstances. And I am extremely prone to mistakes but I do learn eventually.

Question is: what will happen next? He has told his entire family, lawyers and my teens how I overreacted and caused him such grief that he wound up in the hospital. Poor him x 100.
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Old 08-17-2014, 12:40 AM
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You did the right thing. He is a sick man. Whether it was accidental or on purpose, whether he was grooming your kids or just trying to get at you with "look what you're missing Pippi" (with npd that's a real possibility) or just trying to stir up a crapstorm, IT WAS WRONG.
And feel free to get angry, but all the people defending him and saying she overreacted remind me of my own parents sweeping my sexual abuse under the rug. Covering for their own terrible parenting, hoping I never said anything to anyone because it would expose their alcoholism, drug abuse, mental illness and basic parental negligence.
Minor children should not be exposed to sexual imagery of this nature. This is way different than accidentally finding dad's Playboys or watching Real Sex on Cinemax after everyone else is in bed.
If he was blackout drunk and forgot the photos were in the device, he is unfit to be around minor children unsupervised. If he knew the photos were on the device, he is a sexual deviant and unfit to be around minor children unsupervised.
Good job Pippi. Nolite te bastardes carborundorum. He is coming apart. You are getting stronger every day. And to answer your question, never send the kids with him unless it is court ordered.
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Old 08-17-2014, 12:47 AM
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I think my answer to his request to see the children today is that I am concerned about the photos and also about the state of his mental health. And until I receive further advice from professionals I am going to wait on any more non court-ordered visits.

The children are cheerful this morning. Studying in preparation for school to begin next week in their summer workbooks. Then we'll go biking in the sunshine afterwards.
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Old 08-17-2014, 01:08 AM
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Originally Posted by PippiLngstockng View Post
Your responses are really thoughtful and helpful. Thank you.

I heard the story about the photos 30 minutes from when my teens first returned home. It was really bothering them.

I put it out of my mind. I was abused as a child and abused by xah. And every stupid professional has heard/read my stories of xah's behavior towards me and the children but no one has stopped him in his tracks. I began to lose morale. No one cares. My lawyer here said it would take more of a catastrophe than xah being violent with DS17 and terrifying DD7 before the judge would call for supervised visits.

Every time xah comes to town there is another huge drama.

I should have reacted immediately to my teens' disclosure but they made me promise not to act before they told me. So I was reluctant to make another scene, knowing that xah would react like a volcano after an earthquake. Which he has.

I have utter contempt for him.

Do I think he kept the photos in with the family shots on purpose? Probably. Because he has been 'absent-minded' about his parental responsibilities in a way that always works to desensitize them to abuse of various kinds. Am I sure? No. But he was negligent and he keeps the children constantly in precarious, frightening situations. And so I finally rubbed the sleepy film out of my eyes and did something.

Would it have been better not to send the children with him at all? I don't know. It would have been great if he had had a full on nervous breakdown so he could be properly evaluated and treated for his madness. But I didn't have the foresight or maybe the determination to prevent the visit entirely that morning.

I believe I am doing the best that I can under incredibly trying circumstances. And I am extremely prone to mistakes but I do learn eventually.

Question is: what will happen next? He has told his entire family, lawyers and my teens how I overreacted and caused him such grief that he wound up in the hospital. Poor him x 100.
i know someone who is fighting just to be able to see his kids because of the nasty ex who said there was inappropriate behavior between his kids and himself
4 years he is fighting to even have contact with them, he has gone to the police to get an investigation to clear his name but they will not act as it seems it would be to traumatic for the kids to under go an investigation

so all they have is an ex partner who made the allegations in court who of cause also wants to protect the kids
no evidence at all no charges brought nothing and its so out of order as people should be able to clear there names in such circumstances.

i notice you said in your post poor him X100
that certianly comes over to me like its a battle between you, the kids seemed to have enjoyed there time with there dad until all this kicked off
and if it was a dam accident then it really is a bit much

let the police do there job on this matter and let them make up there minds if it happened, if it was an accident or on purpose

its a kangeroo court in this thread and the more that gets said the more its starting to look a bit more like a battle going on and its the kids that are going to suffer

one day kids do grow up and are able to make there own minds up they dont believe any mind games parents try to play with the kids. trust me as i found out with 1 of my own kids who left my care at just 14 to go and live with his drunk mum who would let him smoke and drink
i could of got the police on her and forced my son to come back home as i would be protecting him right ??

wrong he would of hated me for the rest of his life as he loved his mum so i let it go
within 5 months he came back home hurt but more the wiser for it and he never went back to live with her again. so it all worked out in the end without me trying to force them apart

like i say with kids you have to remember one day they will get to be mini adults and they will vote with there feet if they feel they have been robbed of time with either parent,
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Old 08-17-2014, 01:14 AM
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I have some pretty wild pics on my phone and my daughter has asked to use my phone and picked it up before. If she goes into my pics, she deserves every bit of an eye full that she can get. She shouldn't be in MY PICS when all she wanted to do was log onto FB or call her dad. My ex husband, her father, would laugh at her for getting such an eye full! She would probably laugh too and call me a sick bitch. Those pics weren't taken for her but if she's going to be nosey then hey... be prepared for what you are about to receive!
JMO.
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Old 08-17-2014, 02:09 AM
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Of course, if you let him see the children the very next day after this incident, it would seem that either a) you don't believe he is a threat to them, or b) you are a careless parent.

Be careful that you don't shoot yourself in the foot.
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Old 08-17-2014, 02:23 AM
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I wrote to him and told him that I am not comfortable leaving the children in his care at this time.

And then this just happened:

DD7 revealed something. Her father went to the supermarket with DD7 and DS11 near the campground yesterday. He sent them to another store to buy marshmellows. When they returned, DD7 saw liquor hiding in his trunk. Both children had already thought it suspicious that he sent them away.

This is in violation of the court order.

Never underestimate your children.
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Old 08-17-2014, 02:43 AM
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Indeed, never underestimate your children - I cannot agree more! Children are often far more observant than we are as adults, even whilst we are being hypervigilant.

I don't have any advice for you pippi but do what you feel is the right thing to do with that information.

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Old 08-17-2014, 03:07 AM
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Children don t miss a trick ! They see and hear much more than we give them credit for .

One of my daughters used her Dads phone one night as he gave t to her play Tetris on .
Obviously , being a kid .. She was gonna look through it .

She found pornographic pics of women he had been seeing . Explicit photos .

No kid goes on their dear old dads phone and expects to see that !!!! No kid !!

How irresponsible , kids will be kids and go for a nose around . It's up to the parents to make sure that crap isn't on there or at least well hidden . C'mon...no wonder our kids are so screwed up when you see a pics of sex in every bloody direction .

The worlds gone nuts !

ALWAYS , trust and protect your kids no matter what , we are setting their example .

You have so done the right thing Pippi , good for you xxxxx
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