Flavia2

I haven't posted too much about my situation lately. Partly because I'm feeling torn. After AH left more than 2 months ago I said DONT COME BACK. In the meantime, there have been ups and downs with his sobriety and I've stuck to my guns as far as him not living here.
So here's where I'm feeling unsettled: I go to marriage counseling with him but I don't think I ever want him to come back. I've never told him (or anyone else) that. I haven't said anything because I don't think he would even attempt sobriety if he knew. Is this being Codie? Or dishonest? I keep telling myself maybe my feelings will change if he does manage to stay sober.
In the meantime we (the kids and I) attend Alanon and focus on getting better. I just still have that nagging feeling. Am I the only one who feels this way?

AnvilheadII

do you want to keep putting YOUR life on hold, never speaking YOUR truth, and put HIS needs ahead of your own? your job is not to do the things you think will help him stay sober...that is HIS job. sobriety is learning to live LIFE on LIFE'S terms....no matter what comes down the pike. I can think of no better place to speak about YOUR wants and needs then the counseling sessions.........

Flavia2

I'm not brave enough to say that, Anvil😪

AnvilheadII

why not? what do you project will happen? if you speak your own truth.....

Flavia2

Well- hmmm. This is where I'm stuck. It feels like I am moving along, feeling much better, not feeling like I want to control him (or anyone), let go of the anger, able to focus on life/job/kids-then....marriage counseling. As soon as I get in there I feel bad...GUILTY.
(And yes, I realize this makes no sense.)

ladyscribbler

Maybe because the ostensible purpose of the mc is to salvage the relationship, but you know that you are just done?
I have a very hard time ending relationships. It has caused a lot of heartache for me and former partners. The first time I ever stepped up and dumped somebody without a big, protracted dramafest was with my ex. Of course I had already left, but we weren't technically "broken up" until I dumped him (over the phone, yeah I know, but he's 750 miles away). Still, I consider it progress.
Part of my programming from when I was a very young girl includes an inability to say no to or disappoint or upset a man, any man, no matter what he has done or is doing to me. I just dread it. I'm working through all of this, but I understand the unfounded guilt.

FeelingGreat

Hi flavia, It is very difficult to end a significant relationship, so I can understand how you feel. My suggestion is to schedule a solo appointment with your therapist and go through everything you've said here. The situation's going to come to a head eventually.

If your AH is staying sober in hopes of a reconciliation, it's probably not going to last long anyway. But that's his struggle.

PippiLngstockng

I like FG's suggestion to talk solo with your marriage counsellor.

You have no obligation to share your private thoughts with your AH. Plus, 3 cs, right? Nothing you say or do may have an impact over his actions/sobriety. If you could control him that easily, he would have gotten sober a long time ago...

Ladyscribbler, you just wrote something that seriously resonated with me. Thank you!!! My father was abusive to my mother and I, but if I ever stood up for either one of us, both of my parents would come down hard on me. So I grew up having a hard time setting any limits with inappropriate men. Now look at me

Take care of you, Flavia.