LadyM87

Trying to heal.

I have ended the relationship with my addicted partner and I've been trying to heal but it still hurts so much.

I've accepted the fact that his behavior is not personal to me and also have began feeling like I am not crazy but my reactions to his behaviors was normal. There's still so much pain.

Why does he think what he did to me is OK? The answer to all my sorrowing questions is always going to be "because he's an alcoholic"

This man tornaoed my life....

I was moving forward in a positive direction, I didn't want to party or drink as much and was on the path of becoming a healthier person when I had met him.... He was impressed with my goals and said he was going to help me and support me..... I fell for all his games.

He started living with me and a few months in he changed. It was soon apparent he was a hard drug user. Went through months of battling his addiction and being abused mentally and physically.... I eventually threw him out and he he came crawling back on a mission to change. I watched and help him battle his drug addiction but it was only a few months before he replaced the drugs with alcohol......

All the time manipulating me when confronted. Manipulating me when being held accountable for his actions. And I fell for it all. My gut feelings told me I was right but really, why would someone lie soooo much? And how he begged and pleaded with me ....constantly convincing me he loved me and was trying....

He's fallen apart completely now.

I met a girl in the neighborhood tby chance and she's new to the city so we've become friends over time .... I took the sstep of changing my number recently and when I explained to her why I told her to watch out for him cause he scours the bars in the area and he's bad news. Turns out he's been dating her for 3 months....

He told her he owns my apartment, he told her all sorts of stupid messed up lies..... He had he nerve to invit e her here when I was away. Her and I are actually bonding over the situation and she's called him out and cut him off.

She's a sweet girl but she's basically for lack of better words a trashier, less intelligent version of me. And the way she describes meeting him and some of the dates they've had.... He's become fully emmersed in the downward sprial of alcoholism.

I'm hurt because we were still together when they met. I'm hurt because he owes me a lot of money and he was taking her on nice dates and I guess I was chopped liver.

I feel good though because this validates all my feelings and I am not crazy.

But who does what he does?....
Like he's told her all sorts of lies about his work and his life and it's pathetic.

What's worse is ... I saw passed his flaws and was there for him to stop drugs and id be there for him to stop the booze if he'd admit it was a problem. I know I'm a great partner ad he threw it all away for alcohol.

His lies and his stories .... It's insane. It's so ****** up. I feel sorry for him but I'm so done dealing with his constant manipulation. There's ALWAYS some wild explanation ..... There's always some crazy story .... And the quality of women he's chasing now is sickly.

Bearing all this in mind....why does it still hurt so much?

I want to heal.

The tears have stopped for the most part but not completely......

I just want to stop thinking about it.... I want to heal and move on.... But it haunts me....and when I begin thinking about it I start feeling bad for the guy cause he is losing his whole life to a substance.

I just want to shut this part of my brain off. I want to stop hurting over it.


So many questions left unanswered..... But like I said the answer is always the same.... It's because he's an alcoholic.

Anyone else in a similar boat?

lillamy

Feelings are not facts.
You know he's bad news. Being betrayed and lied to always hurts, addiction or no addiction.

You will be OK. Focus on making sure you continue on the healthier path you started on. His behavior says NOTHING about you, your worth or value, or your ability to love and be loved.

Ain't nobody got time for dudes like him. Good riddance.

ladyscribbler

I was in that boat a few months ago. I have a child with my ex, but otherwise a very similar story. I'm moving on, building a life. My ex is still drinking and deluding himself.
I was angry for a long time. Angry at him for all the lies, abuse and for wasting years of my life with his empty promises. I was angrier with myself for putting up with all of it. I just felt like such a fool.
"Shutting it off" has been a process for me. I maintain limited contact due to our son, but he almost never calls him. I took him to court for child support, because he promised to send money for months and never did, so I went and got a court order. He was outraged, but it was a problem he created for himself, so I can't waste any sympathy on him for that.
I started attending Alanon meetings after I left him and also working with an individual therapist. Those two things have helped me recover my lost self esteem and learn new and healthy ways of approaching life.
Hugs. I know it's hard, but it does get better, I promise. And I think warning that poor girl makes you a real Good Samaritan. Funny how that stuff that seems to happen by chance ends up working for the greater good.

NYCDoglvr

It hurts so much because your focus is still on him. Codependents get addicted to alcoholics like alcoholics get addicted to booze. I suggest Alanon, where we can get out of the hamster wheel of pain. It saved my sanity and I recommend it. Also, read the sticky's at the top of this section.

LadyM87

Thanks so much, I do see a therapist who has helped immensely and I am planning to attend my first alanon meeting tomorrow morning. Not sure what to expect.

AnvilheadII

I begin thinking about it I start feeling bad for the guy cause he is losing his whole life to a substance.

if I understand correctly he was a full blown addict WHEN you met. his "problem" precedes you....for a long time. you just got to the show late. he's doing what he did before...using women to get whatever it is he wants. he knows EXACTLY what he is doing.....

you deserve so much better. don't try to justify or rationalize his behaviors BECAUSE he just an addict. he just isn't a very nice person and he treated you poorly and with lack of respect.

ladyscribbler

Hugs. I was really nervous about my first Alanon meeting. It was a newcomer meeting, but probably not the best fit for me. It was at a rehab, and seemed geared toward people who had someone in the rehab, which I really couldn't identify with. So I tried another meeting and found my home group. It was fantastic, so welcoming. I've also added a Saturday night meeting which I really like as well. Different meetings have different vibes, so if you don't care for one, attend a different meeting until you find one that's right for you.
There's also a really helpful sticky at the too of the F&F home page with more specific info about meeting formats and such. I'd link it, but my iPad doesn't like to cooperate with adding links for some reason.