Gracey

While on vacation last week, my AH and I had a fight……..My parents had promised our six year old that they were going to take her to the ice crème store and they obviously forgot…….they, left without her……..my daughter was very upset….she was telling my husband what had happened……and my AH started to bi*** at me telling me how could they do that to there own granddaughter, she is blood……he kept going on and on and kept cursing….like it was the worse thing in the world that they could have done to HIM……I didn’t know what to say…..I wasn’t half as upset as he was, they were my parents and have 18 grandchildren, and that is the way they are……we were three streets away from their camp site and they were probably sick of waiting and left……..he kept going on and on how his mother would never have done that to our daughter……….Oh boy, did I get caught up in that one……I have two older kids that are not her natural grandchildren…..(and their natural grandparents have nothing to do with them from my ex-husband side……and my parents are two hours away…..) I have been with my husband for 10 years and as I have said in other posts……this women would do anything for Bree, (natural grand child) but nothing for my two older kids (not natural grandchildren)……she would bring treats over for bree and she would actually tell bree to hide them in her drawers for later….. I could go on forever about Christmas, birthdays….. and I have fought about this for years……..I would tell her not to bring anything over for Bree if she didn’t have something for the rest of them……then don’t bring anything at all…..(I don’t understand how anyone could be so cold hearted to kids) If I have neighbor kids over, I don’t give to one and not the other…..

So anyway of course I said something to the affect, well you now have a little bit of understanding of how I feel when your mother does this to my kids……It hurts you, because your daughter is hurting…….and you were so upset about it that you had to tell me about it and ask me how could they do that to her……..I said your mother has done this to my kids for the last ten years…………….of course that escalated into a lot more……from him anyway…..he said that he doesn’t understand why people in black coats have the decision to give custody to the mother only……he kept calling me a Mother F***** and a fat ass…….when I walk away he follows me and says you wanted to start this well her you go you have gotten me mad now……..and he will go on for hours……..he says he is young enough that he could start a family over again……..he says he is tired of all this crap……..and that point I just clam up and don’t say anything to him…….When he is upset with me he uses my daughter against me…..(Six year old) he will start treating her really, really special……he would say come on Bree lets just me and you go for a walk)……I can tell he is doing this on purpose to hurt me……It is almost like he is giving the message to bree like I am not important enough…….It seems like he is always blaming me and making me to be the bad person in her eyes……he and his mother have been doing this for the last six years with just little things that they do……Is it possible for her to be really brain washed at this age against her own mother……who lives with her now……I do tell her how much I love her……but I always feel like it is his mother and my AH against me to get bree’s affection…..they both have talked in front of bree about my two older kids, on how they shouldn’t use them as an example and so on and so on…….All of this isn’t in my head……I don’t just dream of things to fight with him about……..when I see something I don’t like I let him know…….and then he don’t like what I am saying………So anyway when he was complaining about what my parents did, I know that I should have just shut up……..I should have recognized a lot sooner that I should have walked away………

I feel like I have let him say or do what he wants and I have walked away for the past month or more……..but it still bothers me inside……..I get so mad at myself cause I am letting this person walk all over me and I just happily walk away…..(with a smile) so it doesn’t cause bigger problems?????????? I feel like he can say anything he wants to about my older kids and can complain and say hidden digs all day………..and as soon as I express myself for finally get tired of it and say something…..it turns into a huge war…….and you know what is worse, he is stronger then me…….and he scares me at times and I am afraid of him………..I am afraid of getting hurt………and when he says those horrible things I really believe that he means them…..I feel he feels like he is stuck and that he does hate me……and he hates my two older kids……the I love you at the end of the day and I am sorry is not enough to heel the pain in between……I do feel guilty if I leave, he says I would ruin his credit….and that is the only thing that he has going for him…….he would loose his daughter, he would have to pay child support…..and he couldn’t make it and it is all my fault……..I would ruin him………..We had one week of fun, and one day of hell on vacation…… he didn’t complain much at all and when he did it wasn’t directed toward me or my two older kids it was mainly about wanting a beer and he cant do this forever and he hopes that I would change my mind one day and let him have one again…….(I simply say it is not my choice if you drink or not I know that I cant live like that anymore).

Rose56

"... was mainly about wanting a beer and he cant do this forever and he hopes that I would change my mind one day and let him have one again"

Ah, it seems that this is what the anger is about!!! Remember living with an alcoholic often involves the crazies. Situations that make us crazy because we start believing them. I am sorry you are hurting. Can you call an alanon friend? Your approach about the ice cream is very reasonable. My prayers are with you.

Nightowl

his choice of words are ...wow...very hurtful. totally uncalled for. not fair fighting at all. I think Rose is right on....he's angry cause YOU won't let him drink. Hmmmm....he isn't getting it. And how sad for your daughter to be stuck in the middle of his little immature power struggle. There is a lot going on here. You seem to be doubting yourself a lot, but understandably...I've been a relationship that made me doubt myself a lot. The little fights over who's parents does waht for who, etc. ...just let that go. It isn't going to change. You can't control his parents or yours.

well I don't have any real sage advice but can just offer you a big hug. No one deserves to be spoken to that way. I don't like those words he chose ONE BIT! big hugs to you and your daughter

Gracey

I feel like he is the one that brought his mother into it……by saying she would never have done that to Bree…..that is when I lost it…….(his mother is perfect). Is he really hell bent, that he cant see that it is what his mother has done to my two older kids and how that must of affected them over the last ten years….I would always try to cover it up to my kids, but they are not stupid……the one time my parents forget something, he gets to say whatever he wants and I have to sit there and take everything…..then he starts saying, your two older kids aren’t blood to my mother…..and just because I chose to have an already made family doesn’t mean she has to accept it….. and why don’t I go after the people who should be doing things for them……(my ex and his parents doesn’t have anything to do with them) they haven’t for over 10 years….I have been with my husband now since my son was 2 ½ and his mother watched him before that….you would think that there would be something there……..she cant even call them on their birthday and spend over $200.00 dollars on Bree…….she is such a bitcchhhhhhhh to my kids…..

Am I way off here please someone set me straight……..

Magichappens

Why do you listen to the obvious manipulation coming out of this mans mouth? It sounds like both of you are stuggling for control of each other, and neither is willing to let go and detach. That is your choice, but you don't have to live that way. Taking the focus off of him and learning to take care of your own well being is another choice that you have. Al-Anon has helped me to heal and become whole. I love my H but I don't have to let his actions and decisions determine how I will think and feel today. As for your kids, his kids, his mom, your mom, they are all individuals that must find their path in life. Is your total enmeshment in his life the example you want your kids to follow? If you detach, won't that teach them something about detachment?
Blame and fault finding is not a solution. Self awareness, self examination, self caring are solution oriented. If you are looking for some solutions, it may be time to try something different. Al-Anon has worked for me. I highly recomend it for anyone who is suffering from the effects of someone else's alcoholism. Hugs, Magic

Nightowl

heck no his mom wouldn't have done that to Bree, she is playing ahuge game and that would have messed up her manipulation. She would have been absolutely sure to take Bree and make a big production of it probably. And maybe perhaps even "forgotten" your kids on top of it. She sounds like she has no love and compassion. And you aren't going to change her.

Certainly you have every right to feel hurt and anger toward her. And anger for your h's comment. He knew it would hurt. But I guess I was just suggesting that you step out of their game. Don't get drawn in. You know who is right in this instance in your heart and you aren't going to change his mind. I know....when to stand up for yourself and when to detach are hard to figure out.

I will confirm that you do have every right to be hurt and angry with your husband's comments and your mil's actions towards your kids. That would hurt. But they will grow up knowing that life isn't fair and that sometimes even "family" can hurt your feelings.

I don't know if I am making sense. But just trying to find a way for you to live in peace with a situation that isn't going to change any time soon. huge hugs