Butterfly

So today is day 6 of no contact and up until today I haven't wanted contact but today I just want to know if he's ok. I keep thinking that his blood results should be back by now and he hasn't told me the results, maybe that's his plan wait for me to ask him as he knows I will be worried. At the same time I've been feeling feeling moments of anger towards him and I could honestly say I hate him and what he has done to me and the kids I want to scream at him what he has walked out on of what drink!! I want to shake him and make him grow up. It was 5 months yesterday since he walked out and he still doesn't know what he wants well he does but doesn't know whether he can stop so he can come home so we are no further on and he seems to be happy plodding along doing what he wants. I keep thinking about all his self pitying text messages and how he is wallowing in self pity and how he tells himself he is doing this so he doesn't keep hurting me and how this is best for me, no that's what he tells himself to make this easier on him and they are making me mad, no consideration for us no thought or concern about how we are it's all about him!! I'm starting to see that he wanted me to reassure him he wasn't a selfish drunken b****** and how we are still here for him and I want to scream you are a SELFISH INCONSIDERATE THOUGHTLESS B****** YOU WALKED OUT ON 2 WONDERFUL KIDS AND A WIFE WHO LOVES YOU AND DID EVERYTHING FOR YOU TO TRY AND SUPPORT YOU SO YOU CAN DRINK AND DO WHAT YOU WANT WHEN YOU WANT, REALLY!!!!!

He hasn't seen my son since Sunday 3rd august which was for about an hour but you know he texts him regularly and might take him out for dinner tomorrow night. Awful good of him to make such an effort to spend time with my son!!

I have to see him next week as we go to DS school for his exam results and I'm feeling on edge about that as well!!

I'm feeling angry with myself aswell I stayed for 18 years and kept taking him back am I a mug why do I think so little of myself that this is what I want for my life a life with someone who clearly doesn't love me enough to treat me with respect and dignity. Why do I love him and want our marriage to work so much????

I was with my counsellor last night discussing all this so maybe that's why it's all running around in my head but I can't answer the whys I keep asking myself or even understand why I put up with it for so long surely after time a person realises that they aren't able to follow through on their promises and nothing is going to change yet I stayed. I allowed him to treat me this way and I allowed him to treat my kids the way he did by staying, I put my kids through all this when I should have walked away!!!

My counsellor has told me not to make any big decisions regarding divorce just yet until I am happier in myself as I am still very conflicted as to whether I should just divorce him and walk away, something is holding me back!!

It's my birthday later in the month and I always hated it but separated AH always made it special for me and it just feels that this , year it will be depressing as I honestly don't want to celebrate it

I am just feeling so sad now that I have vented and got my anger out

Thank you for letting me vent

hopeful4

Butterfly, I am sorry you are feeling conflicted today. Vent away, that is what we are here for.

I question you, why do all of these whys matter so much I think you just need to look at cold, hard, facts and go from there. Why does not matter, it is simply what it is.

Let yourself go through it, be strong.

Butterfly

Thank you. For me the whys do matter as I feel I need to understand why I put up with it for so long why I felt I didn't deserve better, was, I am I really blinded by love and hope. I don't no maybe it will help me move on and accept what has happened as I don't think I have yet there is something holding me back and maybe it is that I don't want to give up on him just yet!!

ladyscribbler

I started getting answers to a lot of those "why questions" by attending Alanon meetings and working a program of recovery for myself. By focusing all that energy on myself that used to go into trying to fix him and figure him out, I have gained many insights into what drew me to and kept me in an alcoholic relationship for so long. I have also been working the acoa steps with a group of people over in the Adult Children of Alcoholics forum, which has been tremendously helpful as well. Much of my behavior was a result of me repeating the pathology of my relationship with my alcoholic father, trying to get it to work, just once. Now I know that the work is on me, and that has given me freedom and serenity.

meggem

I don't have much time but I wanted to respond and I have a lot more to say but the one thing I am going to pull out of your post is your question as to why you stayed so long and you basically said what kind of idiot stays for so long when nothing has changed.


I stayed for 7 years. I stayed because I loved him and I believed him when he said things would change. And I like that about myself. It shows that I have faith in people. I stayed because everyone has hard times in their lives and maybe he was having one (or a million) and that makes me loyal. I like that about myself too.

I stayed because I wasn't sure how I would make it financially. That makes me financially responsible/intelligent.

I also stayed because I was ashamed to tell people the truth. That is something I don't like about myself. I will be working on that.

stop being so hard on yourself. You beat yourself up too much!

I too have a lot of wreckage to unravel. Maybe I will feel like you do in a few months as I am sure there are tons of cycles with this and some we repeat but you stayed because you thought it would change and you thought you could fix him, you thought you could help him. that doesn't make you a bad person or less than. It makes you a wonderful person actually. Most of us here are the most giving kindest types of people (which is half our problem I think).


Maybe you are still in love with his "potential" - I know for a while I was still hanging on to the person that was going to be emerging anytime as soon as he got his current drama under control but I realized that person was never coming. It was almost a relief to realize that. The waiting was a slow death.

hang in there, one day at a time. deep breath.

hopeful4

Great great post Meggem!!!

Everyone is in different stages of recovery and that is absolutely fine! Only you can decide what and when is for you. Butterfly, you say you have a counselor, and that is a great thing. I am betting a lot of your answers will come with the given time.

Much love!

Butterfly

Thank you everyone.

Meggem I stayed for 18 years and I think I'm still hoping that the person underneath will emerge I haven't realised that he will never change or maybe I have but don't want to admit it to myself. I still have a long way to go and everyday is different I haven't felt that emptiness feeling in a while.

Hopeful yes last night was my 3rd session. I've never had counselling before, CBT but not counselling I find it strange it's all how do you feel about that etc and I struggle with that as most of the time I don't know how I feel or if I do it changes daily, I am so conflicted!!

Butterfly

Thank you ladyscribbler I am finding that when I have no contact I focus on me and that is when I start to look at myself which I need to do!

AnvilheadII

are you writing stuff down yet Butter fly? rather than just throwing the question out there and then letting it rattle around?

write it out....why DID You stay. what did the tapes playing in your head say? where did you first hear those tapes? when you knew it was going bad, what was your rational for staying? what bargains did you make with yourself? what LIES did you tell yourself?

have a dialogue - get a notebook and a good pen and get busy.

dandylion

LOL....Butterfly.....you just did a written version of what I call the "wailing wall"...I believe I have described such "wall" to you before.

Screaming it all out loud...very loud has always been a tremendous release for me. It discharges the negative energy from your body and mind.

Writing can also be helpful.

Did you ever read co-dependent no more? This is helpful to almost everyone who reads it. It sure was for me!

Congrats of the 6 days NO Contact. It is working like a charm for you. Keep it up!!!!!!!

dandylion

Lifeishard

Hi butterfly, I can see you are in pain. Like you my ah abandoned me with x 2 small children when I have him a choice between alcohol and his family. For many months after he left I was subjected to him dangling carrots and I was the donkey believing in the false hope and promises. Originally he said he needed help for alcoholism and we continued to see each other whilst living separately. However, he suddenly started saying I don't know what I want etc etc and this was breaking me.

His then best friend told me what I needed to hear to totally cut him dead out my life. He told me that my ex had formed a relationship with an alcoholic woman behind my back. I totally broke into tiny pieces and felt my life was over. I then cut contact but didn't block my ex. He then didn't like it that I didn't text him anymore so randomly he would send me abusive texts saying he was going to ruin my life. He wanted to ruin and destroy me more as he punished me for finding out about his alcoholic enabling gf.

I had enough and took back the power and went strict 100% no contact. He is blocked on my iphone from calling or texting. He is blocked from emailing me. In 1 week Move house away from his family who live doors away. I have cut contact with all his friends and family.

The ex..... He remains with his alcoholic gf. They fight all the time. My aunt who has seen him says the bubbly outgoing personality my ex had before we split is gone replaced by a sad or angry person who looks empty inside. Reality is my ex isn't happy but he made his bed and he can lie in it as it's been 14 months since we split. I recently heard off my friends parents (who know his parents) that my ex is dreadfully unhappy with his gf and wishes he could turn back the clicks. Reality is he can't and my ex knows that I will never speak to him again.

Your ex has the power as you are allowing him to say I don't know what I want etc etc. take away his power by doing no contact. Don't worry about him.... Stuff him.... He abandoned his family. When you take away the power by not allowing him to feed you 'false hope' as he is not exactly saying he doesn't want you... He's saying he doesn't know...you then gain power as you are simply not allowing him to text, phone, email anymore.

14 months on I am ok. I have very rare down days. It's not a bed of roses for my ex as I originally thought. He doesn't love his gf.... She simply drinks with him and she is company. I am relieved to come out of this knowing that the abusive ex has no control over my life, what I do snd he knows I have moved on.

Never had closure off him.... Don't want it and don't need it. He lost a good wife but that was his choice that I couldn't control. Learned a lot on this site over the months that if we allow the ah to quack and keep us on a string we get hurt. When we stop the ah in their tracks by no contact it works and we learn to let go. What will be will be and you can't control his drinking. Let him find his own path in life and think about you and the kids.

Good luck

dandylion

Lifishard....great post and I am so happy to hear how well you are doing!!!!!!!!!!!!

dandylion

Lifeishard

Thank you. This site has been a godsend. So many postings off so many women who are where I was. Never thought I would come out if it but I have. The children and I are flourishing and moving home in 1 week.... It's took ages. Butterfly..... Stay strong as I have been where you are. How dare your ah tell you he doesn't know what he wants! Truthfully it should me you telling him that but at the moment you are chasing an alcoholic that has chosen to abandon his family. Believe that you will come through this and one day you will be happy .... Whereas the ex if he continues to drink ... Not so good. X

Katiekate

He doesn't want to stop drinking.

Those feelings you are having are hard to overcome, you have to sit in them, you will learn a lot if you sit in them. The truth is underneath those feelings. It's not easy, and sometimes it becomes overwhelming, it's like pressure building up , the only thing that will relieve it is them, so we talk about them, think about them, we feed the pressure, and then make contact, and the same monster bites us when we do. That's how it was for me.

Drinking was more important for my ex.

So painful, I'm so sorry.

jessiec

How about this ... Embracing this birthday fully with hope for the future and a commitment to yourself to finding true contentment, whether he is in your life or not. Celebrate this one heartily and happily! Make this the pivotal year that everything changes for the better!

FeelingGreat

Butterfly, when you first posted here you were a mess, and I mean that in the nicest way, but naturally your thoughts were all over the place, you were struggling to understand, and your focus was entirely on your husband and what he felt about you.
Then you went no contact and started shifting your focus to yourself and the children. Your posts were stronger and constructive.
You let him back into your life briefly, he started playing around with your emotions 'I do love you, but I love drinking', 'I'm so unhappy', 'I might get treatment', until your focus was back on him and you were once again in turmoil.
Think back on this before you get back in touch with him. You've made enormous progress even if it doesn't seem like it. Just stick to what you know is the right thing for you.

Catherine628

I can feel your pain in your post. I am so sorry. I beat myself up over staying too and feel that same need to know why. I keep going to al anon, reading, and I plan to get back into counseling. It took nearly 20 years for me to get here so I know it will take time for me to understand it all. Please be patient and gentle with yourself.

I gave his addiction all the power. I believed every promise he made when he is simply not capable of keeping promises. I believed we were special and different. I had an expectation that we would be a success story. Now I know that I will be a success story.

I know that turmoil of deciding to divorce or stay. Have faith, your answer will come. My therapist taught me to trust my gut instincts and to be more confident. This allowed me to have faith in my decisions and to quit reacting to AH's every drunken promise. For me it seemed to be such a long, tumultuous process but it was a neccessary part of my journey in healing myself. I know I still have a long road ahead of me.

Good luck to you and keep posting.

Butterfly

lifeishard, thankyou for your post it is good to know that there is a sense of closure to this and that one day i will feel happy and content.

Dandylion yes I have read co denpendency no more and I find that when Im reading it i think oh my thats me but then i forget all about what ive read, i am addicted to him. Maybe I should go back and re read those books as i read them when he first left and not sure how much i took in as i cried all the time lol

Katie i do sit on my feelings but I am really struggling with understanding them and working through them so that I can come out the other end and feel that I have found a solution or a reason so I keep asking the same questions of myself but never seem to get any further, its frustrating!!

Jessiec that actually sounds like a wonderful idea, thank you

Hopeful your right and I know this contact = pain, tears, distress, confusion, anxiety, feelings of not being good enough, rejection and so on no contact = sanity, time to try and work through my emotions and feelings, peace, ability to relax, acknowledging this is an illness and nothing to do with my own worth, focus on me! thank you, i didnt contact him and have no intention of it maybe I should write what i have just said on a post it note and carry it about with me lol

THanks Catherine, it is so painful there are days when I feel good but days I feel like crawling into bed and never getting up, my mood is so low, but it is one day at a time!!

Anvil I am journalling but as I said previously i still keep asking the same questions as I try to work through my thoughts and feelings but still dont understand them or why one day i feel one way and the next completely different.

Im low today just cant wait for work to end so I can go home, shouldnt be on here but i cant focus hes picking up my DS tonight to take him out for dinner and the thought that he may be outside the house un nerves me as i want to see him but know that its not good for me, part of me hopes he will come into the house to talk but part o fdoesnt want to see him, yet i know if he doesnt part of me will feel disappointed and another part relieved, so conflicted.

Sungrl

Your having a happy birthday has nothing to do with him at all.

The biggest regret I have is not that I met my XABF, not that he even put me through all kinds of hell.

I gave up a little bit of money in the deal.I saw and experienced things I hope to never see again. (somebody so out of there mind on all kinds of drugs he looked inhuman) I was stating to drink with him and question my own decisions. All that I could handle. I even handled the black eye.

What burns me the most is how I lost myself. I was so wrapped up in him.
Fixing him, placating him, catering to him. Him Him Him was all I ever thought about. From waking up , all day at work, all evening was obsessing over him.

You get the picture. I lost myself. I gave up my happiness for 4 years and I blamed him. Nope that was all me. I am a big girl and I let it happen.

I stopped caring about my life and happiness because I had to take care of him, or so I thought.


Don't live for what if's........ Live for yourself today

Lifeishard

Hi seeing him was hard for me to when he had the kids. I decided I couldn't see him and got my aunt to step in. The kids were dropped at hers for him to pick them up and return them and I wouldn't leave my home to collect the kids till aunt said he had been gone 10 mins. That arrangement worked but he doesn't see the kids anymore anyway? Can you find yourself a person who will help you with picking the kids up?

It's been a year since I set eyes on my ex. I simply refuse to allow him to ever see me again.... He doesn't deserve the privilege.

Oh and the birthdays and Xmas.... Wow the ex made a big deal with balloons all outside my house and big banners saying happy birthday. I missed that.... It was hard. But although the ex made 2 days a year special the rest of the days of the year were miserable! 2 good days doesn't make up for the rest of the emotional abuse and damage he did the other days. I went out with friends in my birthday instead.

It takes a long time to heal. It's crazy as I was married to my first husband for 11 years and it took months to get over him. My second husband.... The ah i still haven't fully got over him. I can only say that the ah abused me so bad, battered my self esteem, made me addicted to him and that's why it's taken so long. Back then I would have done anything to have him back but now he is feeling the repercussions of losing a good wife who refuses to have anything to do with him again. I counted the days like you and couldn't get past day 3 for a while. Now the thought of phoning him, texting or seeing him makes me ill.... As I really can't stand him.

Butterfly read books, cry, take yourself off somewhere to cry it out to release the pain, write a letter to him and burn it, but please above all take the power back and go no contact. It worked for me and many others here. It kills I know but you can do it x