closetcodie

RAH asked to stay later today than usual (he watches our kids and normally he leaves as soon as I get home from work.)He wanted to spend time with my oldest (his stepson) before going. We have been avoiding talking about our marriage at all and just focusing on being civil for the kids until we make it to therapy. I feel unsettled about where things are between us and I am an emotional wreck because of the split, so I started talking while the kids were napping and the oldest was still gone. It ended up as an emotional break and I poured my heart out to him about how I felt about everything. He doesn't deal with emotions and in the past anything that made me cry or want to talk was just me being dramatic or crazy according to him. He actually listened to some of it today. He walked out once due to anger, but he came back in calmly and let me continue. We both verbalized that we want to work on the marriage. The talking culminated in us sleeping together, which I instantly felt regret for. After he left and for the rest of the evening I keep replaying things in my head. For the first time in our marriage I see a difference in him. I don't feel that he is just bullshitting constantly. At one point today he told me, "I will keep working on me and you keep working on you and we will see what happens with the rest." As much as it hurts to be apart, this was such a sane statement and it really is necessary at this point. He seems to be working his recovery for the first time and is attending AA 6 nights a week. I thought that I was sure that the marriage was over and I wanted to be done, but today has left me confused again. Do they ever really change?

CodeJob

I totally understand how you want the results of the race. This is like watching an endless Tour de France. Today he got the yellow jersey but tomorrow his legs might fail in the climb. Work on your detachment....

FaithNhope12

Continue working on yourself and allow him to have his recovery. Change comes in due time. As far as addicts finding recovery... If you change one thing you have to change everything. The 12 step programs AA NA provides a new way of living and if that changes him for the better if he chooses to follow the steps then that's great. Naranon is changing my life for the better. Everyone's recovery is done in their own time. Have faith in your higher power that what is meant to be will be.

ladyscribbler

My PPD boss had moments of humanity, kindness, near normalcy. With a personality disorder like this it is very difficult because I think that a lot of the crazymaking isn't really deliberate on their part. It's not meant to hurt other people, it's their mode of self protection, it's how they see, relate to and interact with the world. I'm sure my former commander was not intentionally a bad person. She couldn't help being the way she was. But people with ppd are basically incapable of change.
A night like you had tonight is probably the best you are ever going to get with your husband. He gets his own way, nothing sets him off too much and he goes away relatively happy.
I see a lot of manipulation, whether deliberate or not. Wasn't he withholding attention from you just a few days ago, giving you the silent treatment until you agreed to go get berated by his counselor?
I was really paralyzed in my life until the time came when I quit worrying about what everyone else wanted and started asking myself what kind of life I wanted. Then I was able to start taking the steps to make it happen.
Have you done much research on paranoid personality disorder? The reading I've done suggests that it is basically untreatable and those suffering from it are unable to do the work necessary to change such deeply entrenched thought patterns because they literally have no self awareness.

dandylion

closetcodie---sex is capable of intensifying bonding---especially in women due to the release of oxytocin (a bonding hormone) in the brain. This can really throw a monkey wrench into the situation when one is unsure of staying or going---unsure of what is in their best interest, at base line.
Nature and the hormones don't care a twit about your intellectual world---it is purely and blindly biology based.

Get my drift................?

dandylion

closetcodie

lady- The PPD plays in my mind more than the drinking in all honesty. I know quite a bit about it, my education is in mental health and I work in the field. Loving someone with PPD is the hardest thing I have ever been through. He twists everything in his mind and is so vindictive and hateful most of the time. I really think he is incapable of any emotion outside of anger and he has no care for anything outside of himself. It is hard though, because most people don't have a clue about PPD, including most therapists. So they buy his BS and they believe the webs he spins.

closetcodie

dandylion- I felt so much remorse after I slept with him because I knew immediately that it just made things harder emotionally for me. Every time I feel like I can see solid ground I do something that puts me back under water with him.

ladyscribbler

How did he end up with the diagnosis, if you don't mind me asking? Was it from the first therapist, the one he eventually decided was persecuting him?
I imagine it must have been a relief for you, to some extent, knowing the cause of his crazy behavior and understanding that you aren't at fault.
You mentioned trying to divorce him in an earlier post, but him throwing up so many obstacles that you finally got exhausted and gave up. Had he been diagnosed at that point?
Sorry if I'm being intrusive, feel free to tell me to myob. I'm just concerned for you. It sounds like you are breaking your back to support this family and getting nothing but abuse and crazymaking in return for your trouble. I had a similar experience and my heart goes out to you. I know that feeling of utter emotional exhaustion that comes from dealing with ppd at close range. Please do keep posting, if only to tell me to mind my own business.

closetcodie

He was diagnosed long before I met him and I knew of his diagnosis' when I started seeing him. His history of mental health issues began when he was a young child. The first time he was institutionalized he was in 2nd grade. His mental health records have his PPD diagnosis when he was 19. That was almost 20 yrs ago and every therapist he has seen since I have met him has upheld the PPD diagnosis. APD and Bipolar were also added in his 20s. He started self-medicating with pot at 12 and with alcohol at 16, or so he has told me. He spent a combined 9 yrs in prison for OWIs and habitual substance offender charges prior to meeting me. Living with someone with PPD is a hell that most people can't understand. It goes so far beyond alcoholism or addiction. It feels like a huge relief to meet someone who has also dealt with a PPD individual and understands the hell.

ladyscribbler

He has a lot to lose if you choose to leave this relationship. You almost did at one point before and he fought tooth and nail. If I'm understanding your posts, you are the primary breadwinner and he does not work, correct?
So is it possible that he's telling you what he thinks you want to hear in order to keep his comfortable life intact?
My commander could temporarily feign the appearance of normalcy in order to pass an inspection or get through an investigation. She was investigated several times during the year, and each time her superiors thought they could mentor her and work with her to improve her leadership skills. She went along with whatever she had to in order to get them off her back, and whenever the scrutiny was over she redoubled her paranoia and went sickhouse on all her staff. It was a nightmare. Anytime we were questioned about her we got called into her office immediately afterward for a "follow up" from her. Basically this was an interrogation so she could find out what we told investigators and get all her counter attacks ready.
What do you want from this relationship? What are your hopes? How would you feel if he fell of the face of the earth tomorrow?

redatlanta

My mother has PPD. My husband has Bi-polar. The BP is controlled very well though he has his moments. I am asked at times how I put up with it and my stock answer is.......after dealing with my mom BP is the equivalent of a stubbed toe.


" Living with someone with PPD is a hell that most people can't understand".

My Dad loves my mom beyond anything I have ever seen, but says if he had it to do all over again he would have never married her.

I don't really have any advice for you other than to say IME it never goes away, though the behavior waxes and wanes. At it's worst she is intolerable. It has caused huge problems for my dad aside from just having to live with it. Friendships and family relationships have been affected by her paranoia. Therapy to the extent of being helpful has not been something she ever actively pursued because "there is nothing wrong with her", and if she is really off her rocker the therapist "is colluding with your father to try and make me think I am crazy".

I'd just put some more thought into what your life will be like living with this. Its very, very hard.

hopeful4

I applaud this answer. I left my XAH much more for his mental issues than his alcoholism, which was just self treating it. Goodness, the thought of spending the rest of my life on that crazy train about made me crazy too! It took time to find the place to get off, but once I did the relief was immediate.

XXX

closetcodie

I have contacted my attorney and asked him to resume the divorce proceedings. I have given this so much thought and this forum has been such a huge support during this time. I love my husband. I love him with all of my heart, but I don't like him or the way that life is when I am with him. I don't like the changes in me when he is in my life. I don't like the disrespect I have to have for myself to allow someone to do the things to me that he has done.

To answer your questions, I am the breadwinner and have been for the majority of our marriage. He can not maintain social contacts in order to keep jobs. He normally ends up being fired for showing up drunk. I don't think that money has to do with him staying though, because his parents pay him to leave me. They financially support whatever lifestyle he chooses if he is not living with me. Back up to the last time he ran off with a woman, his father paid for his hotel room for 2 days and his bus ticket to get there and back. His father is old and needs someone to take care of him. When he can get RAH to leave the kids and I and move back in with him, he has someone to cut his firewood and clean his house and do his yard work.....His dad knows how to play into his paranoia in order to get him to do whatever he wants him to do. It is a sick relationship and I truly believe that his PPD was caused by severe childhood trauma. Both of his parents were very physically abusive and his father and older brother were sexually abusive. When I met RAH, I witnessed things with his father that made me believe that he would purposefully support his drinking so that he could do sexual things while he was intoxicated and/or passed out. RAH has spoken of the abuse while intoxicated, but refuses to while sober. He denies it and holds his dad on a pedestal that is troubling. So all I can do is take steps to ensure that my kids are not allowed around his parents so that they are safe. At this point, I realize that there is nothing I can do but ensure my own sanity and the safety of my kids. I love him, but I can't live this way anymore.

ladyscribbler

Hugs. What a horrible situation, and I agree 100% that his family sounds toxic. It's too late to save him, but at least you can protect yourself and your children. So sorry you're going through this.