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Dramatic experience, Incredible desilusion

Old 03-10-2002, 04:16 AM
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vidax
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Arrow Dramatic experience, Incredible desilusion

Hello, I am new here and come to you any advice, words, similar experience, anything that will make me believe that everything will be ok.

- I am David, a 32 years old French entrepreneur who came in the United States 6 years ago, worked a lot, built a company, created employement...

I met Stacey 2 years ago in this little bar in San Francisco.(I was going there to celebrate my work visa with my imigration attorney). I barely drink.

Stacey and I had a very good contact this night but did not see each oher for 3 month (She had gone to ireland).
We met again and fell in love. Moved in together a few month later (It was easier to share a rent in San francisco). Things were FANTASTIC! Stacey is SUPERBE, a fantastic mind and gorgeous body. Stacey and I discovered our great attraction for dancing, joking, playing, great sex, friendship... Life was great and I thought I could finally rest and start a love relationship, a familly... At 32, my hormones are yelling for a rest in my life and starting a familly!

I noticed a pattern of heavy drinking in Stacey. She would work in the very bar I met her at, A dive bar. I would go there to please her, put myself to her level but never got drunk...

Slowly, my non drinking became a problem for her.. However, feeling confident that I could do something, I tried everything:NLP, Transactional analysis, Love, Patience, resentment.

The insults then appeared in the relationship. "Do you think you are better than the others at the bar... You poor immigrant".
And we went up and down like this for 1 year and half. She would tell me she was " unconfortable" with my friends, did not want to go to the beach when it was beautiful outside...>>>"This always about what YOU Want David... What about me?"
So I would go on, walking on eggshels, telling myself it would be better tomorrow.

During all of this time of often not sleeping, Stress at work and at home, I lost a lot of business and was in such a financial duress that she would give me cash from time to time to go on with my day to day life... However, to her I was a "Loser" by now.


On the 15th of december I finally went for a week-end alone, telling Stacey that we should separate.

At my return, She had signed herself on the apartment lease, and told me that Alcohol was in fact only the consequence of day to day abuse of COCAINE AND METHAMPHETAMINE.

I hugged her, told her that we would work on this. I however quicly fell in deep depression when looking back at all of the unfairness of our relationship and her abuse on me.

I am a French Guy and did not grow up in a cocaine culture, and NO I did not know that the white stuff on her nose was cocaine. NO I did not know that the piece of paper I found with powder in it was drug. NO it was her business if she had to go that often to the restroom.

For a month and half things were better. Then it started again. on the 15th of december, she did not even come back at home. I left the apartment, signed myself out of the lease.

Stacey was a mess, she would call me again and again and threatened me to kill herself.

Then by christmas, I decided I had enough of sleeping in my office, and wanted to come back.

She did not want me anymore. She was out of controle, doing drugs openly.

I decided I would leave her some time, and stay in my office for more time.

I would call her everyday, Leave letters on her car. "I hope you eat, I hope you sleep"

Then, in January, I called one night. She hung up on me, but not well.
This night I heard her having sex with a guy for 50Min...
I was devastated!

I then would call her 20 times a day, rapidly going down, I would insult her for having lied to me all this time and put me in such bad position...

Harrasing her that much just before Valentines day sent me to jail for 15 hours with stalking and annoying phone calls charges.

Well, the case was dismissed, but we got to talk again...
I felt love and desperation again and went to our former apartment 2 weeks ago to in fact see hersun bathing next to the swimming pool with another man...

This was MY apartment! What she had before me was a small room behind a bar...

Now, I am in France, I left for 2 weeks to see my familly and learn a lot about addiction effects on people.

I now have to comute 35 minutes everyday to go to my office (Compared to 3 minutes before) and stacey rejects me completely, and does not want to even talk to me.

She says she is trying to recover...
Well thank you, I would have had the worth of her, and now some other guy will have the best? And MY APARTMENT?

Do I really know Stacey? Was I in love with a stranger? What is it going to happen to her (She has been an addict for 5 years as I understand).
Is it really hard to get out of the addiction? Is she paranoid forever?

Am I going to be ok?
 
Old 03-10-2002, 06:50 AM
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Wow Vidax...
You had a lot to get off your chest! Feel free, that's what this page is all about. Welcome!

Are you going to be okay? If you choose to be. I hope you will consider going to a live alanon or naranon meeting soon, or getting some of the literature. It's natural to resent the manipulation, but it sounds like you are letting the resentment obsess you.

Step One- We admitted that we were powerless to control the alcoholic/addict, that our lives had become unamanageable.

You wrote something to this affect... "I'm french, I did not grow up in a cocaine culture, How would I know... etc.". Well, new friend, I'm American. I did not grow up in a cocaine culture, either. I grew up in a mostly protestant suburb where hard liquor raised eyebrows. And I used the "how could I have known" lines, too. We call that "denial". I could have known, and so could you.

Will Stacey ever be okay? Statistically speaking, she has a 15% chance of recovering. If YOU want to feel better, it would be safest not to base your recovery on hers.

Keep posting!
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Old 03-10-2002, 09:18 AM
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Hello again, Vidax.

Your comment about not coming from a cocaine culture (France) made me curious. I did a little research on the web. What I found was that your exposure to drugs has a lot more to do with the circles you move in than the country of residence. Here are links to four articles about drug use in France.
http://www.mapinc.org/drugnews/v98/n058/a04.html
http://news6.thdo.bbc.co.uk/low/engl...7000/87158.stm
http://www.ex.ac.uk/politics/pol_dat...tt/france.html
http://www.ogd.org/rapport/gb/RP08_3_FRANCE.html

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Old 03-10-2002, 09:30 AM
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vidax
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Thank you Smoke.
You are really true..
It in fact it goes by pulsions..
Everything is ok, and next thing I know, I want to call her and find myself shinning again in her eyes.

Today, I started writting.. Not about Stacey, and my feelings for her anymore as I did before again and again... I wrote about me! What I wanted to do from now on. I also studied A LOT. I went on many web sites and studied the effects of cocaine and methamphetamine on the human brain. These drugs do so much damage on people... I now doubt that did even meet the real Stacey. Her body was perfect, surely due to the use of methamphetamine, and her outgoingness and fast thinking was surely the result of the drug itself.

I should just concentrate on myself, and on the incredible friends and familly members I had around me during this very hard time.

I just did not understand the ilness of being a drug addict. to me, you just have to stop taking it...

Stacey had hallucinations, irational violent behavior, and would not sleep until 4-5 in the morning...
Is it a real advanced state of addiction?

 
Old 03-10-2002, 11:01 AM
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HI Vidax...
Hard to tell about that. Those symptoms can come from a whole lot at once, or from extended use of smaller amounts. However much she is using, or however often, she won't quit until SHE is ready. Preoccupying yourself with her addiction or any other behavior is pointless. It is kind to tell an addict that you understand their problem and to point to places where they can find help. Then you just have to let go and live your own life. Your recovery is in your own hands... her's is not. Do something nice for YOURSELF today.

Hugs,
Smoke
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