I just dont like you
 

Did you ever get to that point? I love him but I just don't like him. I don't like him because he is a drunk, it is all about the drink, never about me or us. I believe I have reached that point of indifference.

Did you ever get there? and if you did what did that mean to you and the relationship?

When I got there I really knew it. I will always love part of my Xhusband b/c we share children and share lots of good memories. However, I don't like him at all and I think he let drinking ruin his own life.

What it meant for me was counseling and facing up to having to end the relationship, which I did. My divorce was final July 29th of this year.

I personally found it impossible to live with someone I did not like, and to this day, there are a few people I love that I just can't have in my life without sacrificing my emotional health and well-being.

Yep. Got there.

When he went to rehab after I left, and wanted me to come back, I realized there was no way I was ever coming back. I cared about him. I wanted him to find sobriety and recovery. But if (as he said) his sobriety depended on me coming back to him, it wasn't worth it for me.

I am at this point. I will always love and care about him, I just don't like him anymore. I can't stand to look at him, do things with him, let alone have a conversation with him. I do not want to be around him, period........,

Yes I got to that place and it meant it was time for me to exit the relationship.

Am there. I'm not able to even hold a conversation with him anymore. Honestly I just hate the sound of his voice and the way he even breaths. I know deep inside the only way I can let go is just being without him. I find it very hard to detach while living with active alcoholism.

What I learned in Alanon is there is a difference between love and need. What I thought was love was really my codie need which resulted in me hanging on to someone I didn't like, trust or respect. It wasn't about him, it was about me.

I'm struggling with this as well. There's so much resentment and we can't seem to have any normal conversations.

NYCDoglvr, you have made a very powerful post. I probably need to do some work.

I don't like or love my AM. She is my biological mother, but that's as far as it goes. I realized as a teenager that I really didn't have genuine feelings of love for her. I was simply acting according to societal norms. The not liking part came long before that and never went away. I've definitely found myself in a relationship where I cared deeply for the person, but I did not like them and could not accept them as they were. Love and need are definitely not one in the same.

For some reason, it wasn't until my STBXAH (addicted to pain pills) started to drink too that I started to really dislike him. The pills were hard to detect but the alcohol pushed me right over the edge.

I stopped liking xah. And I knew it when it happened and I knew it was essentially over.

The next chapter should have been preparing a very well orchestrated exit strategy.

I just thought he would behave decently because of the children.

Dumb.

I think that sometimes those of us who live with spouses/partners with addictions miss a very important point.

We begin to believe that their addiction - recovery, relapse, commitment, failure - is the key around which we base our decision to stay in the relationship or leave.

It is not. The key is whether we have a loving, committed, sharing partnership with a lover and friend that we want to sustain for the long haul. Alcoholism or other addictions are clearly major reasons why some of us can't sustain our relationships, but they aren't the only causes.

But we forget that marriages fail for many reasons, and if we just don't like the person, don't want to be in such close commitment anymore, whatever the reason, we don't have to. Whether or not they fix their addiction.

We kind of box ourselves into saying "Well, if only s/he took care of their addiction, it would probably work, and I owe it to both of us to stick it out". Well, we don't OWE it to anyone. We can choose to stay, and we can choose to leave for reasons other than their addiction.

ShootingStar1

I don't love or like my exah. Ex being the operative word. I started disliking him first then realised one day I don't actually love him either. It was game over from then on. His drinking was secondary.

You know, yesterday I had to speak with my XAH regarding some issues about our children and since summer is settling down getting on a regular visitation schedule for all of our sanity.

He said some very crappy things about a local issue that is going on. It was not directed to me, and he sort of apologized for it before our conversation ended, in a backhanded way. Did a lot of criticism of me before that though. Point being, the entire time I was sitting there thinking how much I really don't like him. How did I ever love this person who has values and morals so lacking, and so different than my own. I dunno, it really hammered in how much I just don't like him.

The criticism of me I am usto, and could not care less. Just seeing his outlook on life issues made me sad for my children more than anything else. I got to divorce him, they still have to spend time with him. Yuck.

Thank you for this thread.

I've just realized within last six weeks that my husband is an alcoholic.... it was all happening right before my eyes, but I was so blind to it.

I have in many ways detached from him over the years:

-I moved out of our bedroom because his nasal polyps and snoring disrupted my sleep and worsened my fibromyalgia.....so the literal physical intimacy is gone.

-Over the years he's away from home more and more, playing double rounds of golf every Sat & Sun, going to my brother's house (his own personal bar)..... and I really don't care. I'm actually relieved, except when our college kids are home and he's choosing to be away from them, too.

-When he yells and goes off in a verbal abusive rant (for whatever stupid reason), I just zone out....

When I first came to SR and read all threads about people who can't leave their AHs because they love them so much, I couldn't relate at all and thought what was wrong with me.

I dream of leaving and living in small house. I'm feeling stuck financially, and hating myself for staying because I realize the same thing as y'all have posted in this thread:

I just don't like him anymore. I hate to talk with him about anything beyond the weather.... just about everything else leads to a tirade about politics, middle east, end times, etc. I just don't want to hear it.

I'm working on getting myself healthy right now.... then will be considering my options in the next several months.

But yes, the thought of staying with him for the rest of my life really makes me ill. I've come to this realization and while I'm a little sad, I'm more determined to carve out a peaceful life for myself.

Thanks for posting this thread and making me feel ok!

:tyou :scoregood


This is so true. When I look back at that time I realize that in my internal dialogues that I almost never used the word "I". It was always us or we or just her name. I was losing my sense of self. At that time in my mind I didn't even exist outside of our relationship. I was being assimilated into the alkie/codie collective. Resistance was futile.

Finally I hit my bottom and had a moment of clarity and began to remove myself from the collective, establish my own identity and begin my recovery.

Thank God for this site and Al-Anon.

Your friend,